tweetysd's Journal

  My Mama and Papa with one of my dogs Purty Girl.

It's been 1 month and 2 weeks since I lost my Mama. I found her only 4 years ago. She is my biological mom, and she had to give me up for adoption when I was 5 days old. When I got married, My husband Doug, found her through the internet American embassy. We got the call to meet her in Puerto Rico, at her sisters house, for she, at the time, lived in Germany. It was the happiest time in my whole life. I mean, I was very happy when I married my husband, but the excitement of finding my biological mom was undescribeable. She moved to Puerto Rico to be closer to me, I live in Texas. And I got to go see her often, and she came here as much as she could. I just recently moved into our own home in July, and she and papa came to help me move in. She did my whole house on the inside. See, I had open-heart surgery and have had 4 strokes and got myself well, so I can be with my mama. Now she is gone!

I don't know how to handle this. I keep waiting for her to call, but none come. I miss her saying, "love you,miss you,hug you, kiss you'. I got to say I love you to her the day before she died. But, I will never feel her hugs and kisses, and hear her say 'I love you too.' She was going to come live with us soon. She became a permanent residence of Puerto Rico just so she could be close to me. How many times we talked on the phone everyday. Like clockwork. When I could, I would go there to visit and when she could she would come here. She was even planning to come live with us.(I know I probably already said that). But I am having a really hard time trying to cope.

I had a terrible childhood. Incest and drugs, rape, and emotional problems. I hate myself and don't know why I could ever love myself because of all the things I've done. Of course, now, I am happily married and have 4 dogs and 2 ferrets and a new house. I was extremely happy until my mama passed away in November. She was only 68 years old. She died of a heart attack. I was on my way to her when she passed, so I never had a chance to say good-bye or tell her I love her. I was at the airport terminal, when it happened. Everyone knew but me. They told me on our way to her house. Of course, I thought I was going to the hospital to see her. My family didn't want me to know while I was at the airport because they knew I would flip out. So when they did tell me, they made sure I was near a hospital, because my heart is not strong. I satayed in Puerto Rico for two weeks to help Papa sort through things and to help him through this period. So I never had a real chance to grief, but now it seems like I am numb. I have talked to papa everyday to try to get him to come live with us, but he has to wait on word about mama's pensions from Germany before he can come live with us. He really wants to come, and I hate that I had to leave him in Puerto Rico.

I have Pneumonia right now and my heart is not strong. But I get up everyday and go on. I really don't want to, but have to because of my husband and my animals. I am just going through the motions right now. It feels like I will never be the same again.