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carried's Journal

game night - feeling wary Mood

Friday, March 21, 2008 | A Venting story

so, it's Friday, and ABOUT TIME, 'swhat I say! Looking forward to my game night. Trouble is, one of the people that USED to come all the time and was SUPPOSED to quit smoking along with two of my other friends has NOT been coming lately. I suspected maybe she had gone back to smoking, and it turns out I was right. She is coming tonight, and I don't know how I feel about that - I guess I nailed it in the title: wary. I like her a lot, and I certainly don't hold smoking against her. She's quite a bit younger than I am and a cop. The way I look at it, I smoked 36 years and am not out of the woods yet by any means. She may have lots more smoking to do before she's really ready, and that's not for me to say. My wariness has more to do with me. The only time I've spent any time around any smokers was at that bonfire that time, and I have to say, I didn't enjoy it much. I remembered to look at them and notice their anxiety and I didn't like smelling the smoke they occasionally blew in my face. I'm a LITTLE worried about being tempted, but not TOO much since the other folks are ex-smokers or non-smokers. I guess I've been sheltering myself. It's gotten better smelling my smoking co-worker, she still stinks, but it doesn't set off craves anymore and it doesn't seem to be as strong. I don't know. I'm just wary. Maybe that's a good thing. I know I need to keep on guard. It's also making me think of the pool where I go in summer on Sundays to play water volleyball. The owners are non-smokers, but a LOT of people smoke there, and I sure used to do plenty of it! Play three games, get out and smoke. Play three more games, get out and smoke. ETC. That will be different. I was at another ex-smoker friend's last night after we went for a walk in the woods. It was hot in the car, so I put my dog in her back yard while she cooked, and it dawned on me that was the first time I had been there as an ex-smoker. I felt really good about it. She is an EXCELLENT gardener, and her back yard is like an English garden, but with mainly native plants. I remembered feeling guilty before smoking out there amongst all that beauty, and I was proud last night I could enjoy it without poisoning the air. BUT, it felt weird, too. I suspect tonite might also be a bit weird. SOOOoooo, anyhoo. There it is. Wary. Weird. On guard. A bit anxious. But most of all, freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

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Comments

Carried, you have it all figured out, you just haven't figured out that you do.

"The only time I've spent any time around any smokers was at that bonfire that time, and I have to say, I didn't enjoy it much. I remembered to look at them and notice their anxiety and I didn't like smelling the smoke they occasionally blew in my face."

"my smoking co-worker, she still stinks, but it doesn't set off craves anymore"

"I know I need to keep on guard." (Very, very important)

"that was the first time I had been there as an ex-smoker. I felt really good about it."

"...her back yard is like an English garden ... I remembered feeling guilty before smoking out there amongst all that beauty, and I was proud last night I could enjoy it without poisoning the air."

You'll do great. Have a blast. :)

shevie
Carried, bundle up all that pride you feel and take it with you to game night tonight! If a crave or hint of a crave hits you, stop, think of the english garden and all the freeeeeeeeedom you have take a deep breath and awknowledge that pride you so know that you have. You will be fine!!!

Shell7
Free is the best. As I have gotten further out with my quit, I haven't needed to remain as wary. It may work the same way for you. But for right now, vigilance in the service of your quit is not a bad thing. Whatever it takes, right?

Beesley
That is so fabulous! And smoking does ugly up the beauty of things. Now you have visioned it. It's been amazing to me how many things I notice now that I am Breathing Free. I'm proud of you. Wait till you kick everyones butt at water volleyball!!!!

wils