Rbergeso's Journal

    Start out happy. Date a girl who likes animals and is embarrassed to sneeze. Eventually you’ll realize that she’s weighing you down and you’ve become a caged bird yearning for freedom. You’re being constrained and that’s no way to live. Plus you want to have sex with other people. Break the news gently. When she just asks why over and over as she cries softly into her hands, you’ll wish two things. First, you shouldn’t have done this at the Olive Garden. Second, she could have handled this without making you into some kind of jerk. But it doesn’t matter, because now you’re free. Drink heavily over the next week and a half. Don’t speak with anyone other than her roommate to see if she’s okay. She’s not okay, and the roommate dutifully hates you. Hate her for that.

    Five days later you’re sitting at the kitchen table wondering if that glass of orange juice is safe to drink and it hits you. You’re in love. You feel as if you’ve made an important discovery about yourself and the smiles come easy as you saunter over to her place with a bouquet of daisies (pat yourself on the back for remembering her favorite flower). When she answers the door and you explain everything to her, she gives you a terribly violent look as she slams the door in your face. Remind yourself on the walk back not to get involved with such strong willed girls in the future, but don’t lose your dignity over this until two and a half days later when you show up at her house at 4 am, drunk out of your mind and missing a sandal. Yell a little bit. The next morning, her mom will call you and sternly request that you leave her daughter alone. When she hangs up, think of something witty to say.

    Now comes the depression. It’s vivid. It’s deep. Relish that, but wish there was a less painful way to be miserable all the time. Remind yourself that there is a child in Somalia with dysentery and a bad back. It won’t make you feel any better, but it’s good to be in touch with the world. Try something artistic. Write a story about a boy who suffers from depression after getting dumped by his girlfriend and is just about to discover the secret to permanent happiness when he is hit by a meteor. Send it to your mom. When she calls you the next day crying because she thinks the boy is you, scoff at her. Explain that the boy in the story has brown eyes and is a full inch and a half taller than you. She suggests therapy. Say you’ll consider it.

    Decide that your time might be well spent engaged in a constructive hobby. Try cooking. Figure out the difference between an Australian Chardonnay and a southern California one. Listen to obscure Cambodian music. Walk into a locally operated coffee shop and order the most intelligent sounding drink they carry. Approach a tattered beatnik with a ripped hoodie and an uneven goatee. Strike up a conversation about existentialism. Keep it going until either you pass out from boredom or he realizes you probably lied about being a philosophy major since you mispronounced Sartre and you thought Nietzche was a board game.

    When your old flame finds a new love interest, it’s time to start thinking about getting laid again. You’re charming in an eccentric sort of way. Use that. Go to a dive bar with your roommates and order three shots of whiskey. Walk up to the friendliest looking girl and introduce yourself. She won’t hear you when you shout your name several times but it won’t matter because when you make a joke that is way too subtle/offensive, she politely excuses herself to go to the bathroom. When she gets ten feet away, she points you out to another girl and they have a good laugh. Leave through the emergency exit without telling anyone. Later that night, you’ll come to the conclusion that certain people will never understand you. And she probably looks weird naked anyway. Remember the Somalian boy. This time, give him Lupus and tear off one of his arms.

    Eventually, you’ll meet a pretty brunette in a white sundress at a house party. After some conversation, she’ll realize that you’re reasonably funny and attractive. She takes you back to her place and although you’re somewhat alarmed that she has a whole mason jar full of condoms, the next afternoon you think maybe you have a girlfriend now. This feeling will continue until two days later when you call her and a man with a heavy Italian accent answers the phone. Consider leaving the country and starting a new life in the Sahara.

   

    Three months later you’re walking down the street and you see your old girlfriend. She’s wearing clothes that you don’t recognize and is paler than before but it’s definitely her and she looks genuinely happy. Hate her for that. When you start to cross the road to steal that smile away, it hits you. Maybe by staying out of her life, you’re causing her happiness. Maybe that’s really all she needs. For the first time in a long time, you don’t feel so terrible. Walk into an alley and jump a dilapidated fence so she doesn’t see you. Let her go. Things will be okay. You’ll be okay.