JimK's Journal

Loneliness Hurts Mood

Wednesday, July 16, 2008 | A Frustrating story

Wednesday, July 16, 2008 – 10:45 A.M.

I have lived in Colorado for nearly eleven unforgettable years. My primary reason for coming here was to get away from people who had contributed to my initiation into the world of crack cocaine. At the time, I was living peacefully in my own home near the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains in Virginia.

For much of the last few months I lived there, I was in such a drug-induced state that I did not know, or care, about what was going on around me. My mind was so foggy that all I ever thought about was crack cocaine, how to get more of it, and taking pleasure in being among several girls who were usually near me. They were there either to help me with the things I could not do for myself, to be there when I used drugs in the hope that I would share some with them, or a combination of the two.

I left when I began feeling that I was in danger of losing my life either by overdosing on drugs, or by some of the drug addicts I was associating with, who were, unknown to me, stripping my house of its belongings and selling them. I finally realized what was going on when I was visited by someone from the Adult Protective Services, along with a sheriff’s deputy.

Because of the mess I had gotten myself into, I left that state at the urging of several family members who lived here. I did not like the idea, but could not see any alternative.

During the years I have lived here, I have not had a close relationship with my family as they had led me to believe would be the case. I might see my sister once, or sometimes twice, a month. She invites me to most of her children’s, and grandchildren’s birthday parties, as well as for holidays.

I rarely see my brother or anyone in his family. This hurts a lot. I do not think I deserve to be cast aside like a piece of garbage. I am not perfect in many ways, but neither is my brother.

The loneliness that I live with has begun to bother me a lot. The only friends I have had here have been drug users, and I have managed to get them out of my life, so that I will be away from their bad influences. Now I have no one other than my online friends.

I need to make a big change in my life, or else I will start relapsing and using drugs again. I have started considering the possibility of leaving here and moving to another state. That might be just what I need to jump-start my life again. Of course, that will also start one heck of an argument with my family.

The bottom line is that it is my life, and I should be able to live it the way I want. My family will not see it that way, but I feel strongly that since it is my life, I should have some right in deciding how, and where, I want to live it.

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Comments

Boy...a new, fresh, clean start somewhere where no one knows you at all, sounds much like heaven to me today.
Your family let you down somewhat. It has nothing to do with you, it is all about them.
I think your sister has made some worthwhile contributions to help you and your well being. I know you want more.
You could move. It would mean disagreeing with your family. It would mean finding a new place and getting set up again with your health care situation.
But..it is, as you so eloquently stated...it is your life.
You have the right to do with it as you see fit.
I hope that drugs do not factor in as a option.
I often wondered if I ever had the money to move close to my sons, would it hurt more to be ignored from 10 minutes away than from two hours away ?...just wondered.
The thing about you is that you do get perplexed by a problem. However, I have never seen you not to come to a healthy and appropriate solution, given some time in which to evaluate the situation. I have not doubt things will be any different in this instance.

Have you considered making friends in your current area ?
Is that possible ? Could you join a support group locally ?
What about book review clubs or something of that nature?
It is a good place to meet like minded individuals.
If you decide to move, you will make it happen.
If you decide to make friends and enhance your life in your present location, it will just be a matter of time before you succeed.
But, you are right, good friend. Alas, loneliness does hurt indeed.

GoodGod
I am not going to make any rash decisions. Time is of little consequence, so I can afford the luxury of taking weeks or months before reaching a conclusion of what will be the best thing for me to do.

I think that if you lived close to your sons, it would hurt more to be ignored from 10 minutes away, rather than from two hours away. That was the way I felt when I lived in Virginia. I could understand why I could not see my family more often because of the great distance between us. As it stands now, there are few, if any, reasons why my family cannot see me more often, since the greatest separation among us is about 75 minutes.

JimK
Jim, I'm so sorry they are missing out on your company. I think the most prominent observation there is you are invited into your sister's world but she really doesn't take much interest in yours, does she? Sounds like a very one-sided relationship. A bit of a delusional one, too.

I feel a strong urge to move as well. I think fresh starts are sometimes just what we need. It's like a shock to our system. A surge of change.

Have you considered where you would move to? I've narrowed mine down to oh, about 70 different places.

Hey, Canada is a world leader in wheelchair accessibility. I know the transportation isn't much better but we do have more people who will listen to the complaints! Better social services here, too.

Samadian