What2doWhat2do's Journal

I moved into an apartment yesterday. I wasn't planning on staying that night, but my daughter was excited about having two homes and wanted to sleep at the apartment. Her excitement really helped me, for the moment. It pains me not knowing how my children will come out on the other side if we divorce.

I told my then spouse that I couldn't go through this any more and I wanted a divorce. For many years I was hoping silently that he would man-up and leave. But I finally realized that I needed to make this decision myself. As soon as I did, all the anger and resentment I had toward him left. I felt so much peace and I started seeing myself in a different light. That was in late July, early August.

It is now January and I'm confused. I want to leave, but then I don't want to leave. I fear not finding someone to love me the way I deserve to be loved. I fear finding someone who isn't for me, but not having the courage to say, I'm sorry this isn't going to work.

My possibly STBX was my first and only BF. The same issues that I struggle with today are the same issues I struggled with then, but at least today I know what those issues are and I'm working hard to defeat my negative self worth. But as I get closer and closer to dissolving my marriage, the more I question my decision.

I know I need to make the decision myself. It would help me know the emotional roller coaster I'm riding on is in line with someone going through a divorce. I thought since I'm asking for the divorce it would be easier.

Ugghh!!!!