secret17's Journal

Well, I've decided I've let my back heal enough to do yoga again. I think it's the stress...but at the same time, my back wouldn't hurt this bad because of simple stress. Dunno, I may try to go to the spa and get a massage or something...or I could invest in one of those shitazu back massagers...they are about the same price as one massage...I dunno, I think I just need to take a day or two...or a week or something and just chill.

Well, my grand mother has decided to try and come back into my life. I know what she's doing. She sent me $250 and she made my favorite meal...yeah, I know what she's doing. She's also offered me a job and wants me to clean her house. Yeah, I'm not doing it. Because I know her. She's a controlling, self centered bitch...and to be honest, I've turned out just like her. Well, she did raise me! She feels like I use her, I feel like she uses me. But she's trying to come back into my life all at once. She has called me every other day!!!! And all she's trying to do is use me to get her hot dog stand working. I'll work for her for three weeks...and if I don't get much money out of it (and I don't think I will) I'm quitting. I can't put it on a resume because it's family work. I'd be getting money, and I really need that. But if I'm not getting anything out of it...no way.

Back to my main point, my grand mother is trying to come into my life all together. Full speed. She threatened to hit me, she threatened to call the police and put me in jail as a "run away" for trying to get rid of the situation she was placing me in, she tried to say I hit her (or attempted too or something)...she ingnored me for a year. Would have nothing to do with me. And now she wants me around to help her with her business. And she wants me to clean hosue...yeah...not going to work. I know how she pays. She won't pay me fairly for cleaning her house. That, and the last time I tried to clean her house I "wasn't doing it right." I was living with her at the time, and she was complaining that I never did anything around the house, so I went to clean the bathtub, and then she started complaining about me not doing it right. (I find this funny because when she came and cleaned my house, dad yelled at her for the same reason she yelled at me, and she said he was just being selfish and unappreciative.) I know what she's trying to do. She's trying to make herself seem all great, and then when I'm comfortable with her turn into the self focused person she is.

Okay, I guess my biggest complaint against her is that she's always tried to mold me. She's tried to make me what she wants me to be. It annoys the hell out of me. That was my biggest nag when I wanted to become a chef--because my grandmother always wanted me to be an amazing cook. And, hell, let's face it, she programmed me into liking to cook. She's manliputated me as a child. She tried to program me, and she got away with it for awhile. Then when my step-mom came along (even though she was very unfair to me) I got to have my own opinions. That, and I saw my grandmother be completely unfair to her. I saw how once she gets a grudge she never lets it go...that and every little thing becomes a personal attack against her. Once upon a time, my step-mom tried to tell my grandma where the doctor's office was because it moved. Well, my step mom said it was beside a hotel. When we got there, my grandma said it was behind the hotel. (technically, they were both right because the building was sideways). Well, my grandma went into this whole story about how my stepmom tried to sabatage my grandma's health...I don't even like my step-mom, and I even think that's going too far!!!

I don't know, I'm just not ready for her to be a large part of my life. I mean, I'm very thankful for the $250 she gave me, but I'm not going to let that make me have her as a part of my life. I just know that she is trying to control me...and I hate that feeling...