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Agggghhhh!
i just wrote a whole entry and it got deleted with the wrong touch of a button.
what does that mean? besides that i effed up?
it drives home the point i was making, or th.e general feeling of frustration that i have.
that things, feelings, life in general is beyond my control.
but also that our thoughts create our feelings.
and feelings create more feelings.
deep and vague. boggy.
and our judgements on our feelings, our thoughts, esp. about ourself
puts it in a category, keeps it there so that we can't release it. can't move beyond it.
i'm tired of being overwhelmed, feeling frustrated.
i was thinking last night to myself:
'wtf was i thinking of when i decided to go to school?!'
my kids need me. i can't be organized. my house is an insane mess. i would take a picture and put it here but my batteries are dead. trust me it's bad.
i'm losing sense of the bigger goal. all these little worries are getting in the way.
and i'm not sure if it's so that i become stronger, and learn to...what is the word i'm looking for? learn to get through it. get beyond it. keep my eye on the goal. i was never good at sports. not because i'm not athletic. believe in myself.
is that it? what i'm supposed to learn?
to perceviere?
i don't know.
i do alright when i take life as it's supposed to be taken,
in little minute doses. day by day is too stretched out .
the house with things all over the place, clothes everywhere. THINGS. too many things physical and emotional.
yesterday was a rough day for me. i was at home with my 5 and 7 y/o's asking me, begging me to go somewhere, do something fun. and i had to write a paper for psych class. i finally got it finished at night. and i didn't study for a test i have today. and i didn't get housework done.
and all the while this is going on i'm trying to heal from an emotional mess that i created. an attachment to another person that i was not supposed to have. but it filled a need in me, or many and i have to figure out how to fill myself up. but it takes time. and effort. i'm reading different books. one last night i started again was "the anatomy of spirit" by carolyn meiss (think its spelled). it's got some native american wisdom and other blends of truth in it. one lady was saying that the 'shaman healer' told her to walk straight or she would get a broken leg. he was speaking spiritually because she wanted another woman's man. our physical body is so entwined with our emotional, spiritual, mental aspects.
life was simpler in my 20's. i don't know why that is.
Comments
School is just hard. Some people can do it while doing 50 million other things. I can't, it takes up alot of my focus. Don't be too hard on yourself. I hate to say it, but you've got to let things like housework slide. Kids take priority, but you've got to try and play the balancing act. :)
You have no idea how much I'm empathizing with you as I read this! I'm in a similar boat... different stressors.
Just keep taking things step by step is my only advice. Look forward to small bits of free time and don't always try to cram every minute of it with responsibility. You need your down time!
Hugs and keep it up. One test won't kill you. lol You just may have to play catch up. Lord only knows how often during nursing school, my life was defined test by test. lol
pixie0413
my house suffered BEFORE school. ;-)
i don't know how to do the balancing act--how do i go from right brained to left brained?!
this is my down (or up) time. it helps me i think.
lets me know i'm not alone.
((thanks pix))))
whyrae
Before I had any kids, my house was neat, organized. Then four kids and homeschooling. I gradually became more and more relaxed about a messy house and a good bloody thing. My kids did manage to learn something through the yearr...a little more than making their beds (actually they didn't ever learn that) and they turned out OK. My house, well, it's still messy because I can't seem to turn back on those 'neat & tidy' genes. But, you know what?, I don't care anymore. There is so many things in life far more important.
ibex
I've been very frustrated and scattered-minded lately. I feel that my spiritual walk isn't near what it should be even as I've been more busy and involved in church activities. So I can definitely relate to the frustration, esp. about cleaning house.
SuzyG2
Maybe you need to be a little "easier" on yourself. You have taken on a lot of responsibility with going back to school, and raising the children. If and when you have time, take one room at a time, and try and tackle it that way...Don't look at the big picture, look only at the one thing that might bother you the most, and do that. Say for instance it is a sink full of dishes...Well just do the dishes, and pat yourself on the back and tell yourself "good job!" Might sound corny, but if it was a friend or family member that was in your shoes, you wouldn't feel about them the way you do about yourself, right. So start being kinder to yourself, and tackle only one chore at a time.....
Gypzlady
Good advice Gypzlady. You explain better. lol
It's overwhelming to tackle everything at once!
You are definately not alone in this Rae... )
{Hugs}
pixie0413
i appreciate the encouragement so much. i appreciate each of you. taking time out to make me feel better about myself. (((hugs)) you are right--i would never be as hard on others as i am on myself.
i will be nicer to me.
thank you!!!
whyrae
I think you are awesome Rae! And you may have a messy house because your life is so full with activities, dates, obligations, joys, pains. We humans juggle a lot in our lives and it can be exhausting, but to always have love in your heart and to always make strides as you have done says you are COMPLETELY CAPABLE!
RAE ROCKS!!!
SugarEmbargo
awww. thank you!!! =o) (((HUGS)))
whyrae
Our house has been in various states of disarray since the A. Lack of motivation for both of us. I didn't even pay bills for 2 or 3 months during and after the affair! I just couldn't summon the strength to open the mail.
Infidel
that sounds like me infidel
whyrae
You are doing alot of things and trying to be perfect at it all. It is ok to let something go that isn't as imortant. You could maybe take one class less at school? I hope you can find peace and the balance that you are searching for in life. Keep venting and striving for the goals which are most imprtant right "this minute". I am here for you and wishing for the best.
empathy
((hugs)) thank you. =)
whyrae