AngeGirl2007's Journal

Well, I finally heard from him last night. He's okay, all things considered. He actually let the neighbor guy live. I asked him what happened and all he said was,  "Just kept grilling his ass and he finally left."  Apparently he's been working over at one of the other elementary schools along with his school. So here I've been for the last three days thinking the worst because of not hearing anything and not being able to find out anything. This is what I've come to expect though so I guess I'm not overly surprised.

I did find something else out though. Something I've suspected for quite some time but kept my mouth shut about because I didn't want to play doctor, so to speak, and I wasn't quite sure how it would be taken. He told me he's been doing some reading these past few days and everything that he's read lines completely up with everything that he's experiencing  and he said it is him to a T. However he also said, "It's not what I want." I finally asked, "What are we talking about?" He said, "It's BP." I said, "Oh, you're bipolar." Unofficially, yes, he's bipolar.  I said, "Well, that would explain some things as well as answer a lot of questions." "Yeah, but it's not what I want." And I finally asked him, "So with this knowledge, what are you going to do?" He told me he didn't know because he doesn't believe in drugs; the side effects are more than he can take. I told him I wasn't surprised at this and that I had wondered for some time but didn't want to say and told him why.  Admittedly, I don't know much about bipolar. My ex-husband's older sister is bipolar (along with something called Borderline Personality Disorder, which I don't have a clue on that one).  I know what I've seen and dealt with where she's concerned and looking back I see a lot of scary similarities.  That right there was enough to drain me.  There are probably members of my  family with this disorder also but where everyone is so widespread and no one is really in contact much anymore it's hard to find out where it all lies. I know bipolar is genetic wehich concerns me. I look at my children and they seem to get hit from all sides. Now hearing this last night and "I don't know what to do because I don't believe in drugs." Well, our son and daughter could possibly develop this later in their lives. Should that happen, how do I help them?  Just let them fight it on their own because  the possible side effects could be worse than what they'd actually be dealing with? 

I know I probably sound cold but it just seems to me like once again he is not willing to do what he needs to do to get himself better. Like everything else in his life, this is not going to go away by itself; in fact this isn't going to go away at all. It's nothing to mess around with but it's treatable.  Being bipolar on top of the alcoholism--that is not a good mix. Each are hard enough to deal with by themselves. As much as I can't stand his neighbor, I am glad that it didn't escalate to where it was headed. However the image of him standing over this guy with something in his hand that contained claw like protrusions and a plan of how to use it (yes, he had a plan) is NOT something I want to see when I close my eyes at night.  I am still disturbed by this.

You know, I honestly believed there for a while that there was something wrong with me. I believed if I just loved him, prayed for him, encouraged him, supported him, and ignored everything else and just learned to "tolerate" that it'd be okay. He'd see what I was willing to do for him and he'd start to make the change. Well, Kenny's going on 5 years old and that hasn't happened yet. In fact the only person who has changed has been me and the person I have become is someone I don't like or recognize. I used to be loving and  giving, someone who by nature was very happy. I used to smile and sing and laugh. I do none of these things anymore. I am angry, bitter, and anxious. I have alienated myself from the people who have been there for me to try to keep someone who wants what he wants when he wants it. I've lost sight of my dreams and my goals. I've lost sight concerning my faith. In that regard I just went my own way out of my own rebellion but losing Angel did leave me shaken in that area too. I have made some bad, stupid choices. The only ones I don't regret are my children and I don't consider them to be bad, stupid choices. They've been my anchor.  The other night when I went to bed I lay there thinking about all of these things and I told God I can't do this anymore. I just can't. I asked Him back into my life. I also asked Him to go with my xSH, to protect him, because I do love him and I probably always will if for no other reason than he gave me the best part of him which was Kenny, Cheyenne, and Angel. But I just can't keep going like this. If I do, I will totally lose myself. I'll lose myself emotionally,   I'll lose myself physically and I'll lose myself spiritually and quite frankly, there's NO man worth going to Hell over.  Of course I'll still pray for him. That I can't not do. But I just can't see hm and me ever really being able to feel a happy, healthy, fully-functioning couple and family. Not like this. There's just too much that scares me and I don't know if I could ever feel completely safe with him again. Even if he were to get the help he needs, I would be too scared. Relapses are common. He's relapsed more than once and each time its worse than before.

He's actually paranoid about Angel's website now. It's like, good grief!  I had gotten a care package in the mail day before yesterday from a support group in Canada (I found the website online through another miscarriage site). They sent me a little brown bear with purple feathers that have been  applied so to look like angel wings, which I have on my stereo. They also sent me a little bottle of aromatherapy ltion (it smells so good) and a folder of resources which included some poems. One was called "Dear Daddy" and it touched me so I included it on Angel's site, giving credit where due of course, and tried to e-mail it to him. Well, it didn't go through and I explained what it was about and he's concerned because he's got this idea  now that someone could do a search on the last name and send out hateful correspondence to either myself, him, or someone in his family because of the way things are (he brought up again that there was no recollection of the father being included on the site). That and he doesn't want his e-mail disclosed anywhere. First of all, I'm not going to do that; there's no point and second of all, if he thinks I'm removing Angel's website to humor his paranoia, he's got another thing coming. I created that site for my baby. Yes, I said, my baby because I am the one who carried her, felt her,  prayed for her, dreamed of her, lost her, and I am the one striving to keep her memory alive, not him! I have no grave to visit and the best I can do is pull that site up, listen to Josh Groban, and read the letters I've written to her and I can't tell you what that does. You'd think I'd come away just a total head case but I actually feel I've been with her when I can do this and I try to at least once each night. He's taken more away from me than he should've been allowed to; he's not taking this too!