AngeGirl2007's Journal

I got a phone call this morning from one of the local child care centers. I have an interview with them Tuesday morning at 10:30! I am stunned but in a good way. I've been sending out resumes and filling out applications, it seems, every other day since becoming unemployed and to no avail. To say that it has been discourgaing is at the least being polite. It has started to get old. I have not been able to provide for my family the way I've needed and wanted to and I have felt guilty for the help that has been extended to me. I know...why should I feel guilty? I hear that question a lot and I probably shouldn't but the truth is, I do. I want to be able to repay the ones who help and when I can't...well...it bothers me. I am also looking at it from the angle of having something to keep my hands and my mind occupied so that I am not just sitting here looking at the circumstances that have been surrounding me and then getting more and more down about it. So we will see what Tuesday brings. 

It's funny but I really used to question the passage of Scripture that talkes about God being our vindicator and how He promises a two-fold recompense for our former shame. In layman's terms, He promises double for our trouble.  I have seriously got to learn to quit doing that because always, without missing a beat, He comes through. Maybe not when I think He should or expect Him to but He still does. I got a call the other day from my friend Teresa (the one I used to work with) and she informed me that my former boss--the one I used to refer to as Dragon Lady here--was fired recently. I about fell over when she told me and yes, it's nasty of me, but I have to admit I chuckled a wee bit. As I told her, I don't take delight in the misery of others but when God says He will make your enemies His footstool, He MEANS that thing! It was just the irony of it all! Then I get called this morning for a job interview. Maybe things are finally beginning to fall into place. Or at the very least be on an even keel.

Wednesday marked five months since Angel's been gone and it was a very tough day. Her dad took the day off from work and after his AA meeting we went over to one of the local food banks and from there went to K-mart and scoped out the candles. We finally settled on one of those that's a mid-sized candle in a glass-like jar and it's called "Misty Morning Woods" and the scent is so calming and so soothing. Once dinner got out of the way we looked up Scriptures to read and I read a bit from "An Empty Cradle, A Full Heart" (powerful little book). As it got darker he lit the candle and I had Jordan put on my Avril Lavigne CD--the one with "Slipped Away." We said a prayer and basically just talked and prayed some more and cried even more. I thought about it and that night was the first time I openly acknowledged the date of her passing, rather than just trying to hide from it. It was also the first time that her dad and I openly grieved for her together. It's different talking about it over the phone or passing e-mails back and forth and sharing verses and information that wat. But when you're sitting there together in person,  there is nothing to hide behind. You are right there confronted with the harsh reality of what has happened and it is a whole new experience. It felt good to be able to grieve with him. It felt good to be able to talk about her and express my sadness and my heartbreak and my questions of why and what is hte purpose of it all? It also felt good to see and hear him grieve and to hear his thoughts and gain his persepctive. We have walked a very difficult road and it has been nice to be able to continue this walk even as friends. It has not been easy for either of us to accept this new direction, the direction of friendship, which is very understandable but right now this is the direction we need to be in and it feels good to have God leading the way rather than me walking a path of my own design, expecting God to bless it. That way always ends in disaster.  Her dad is now 12 days sober and I am very proud of him. I cannot begin to imagine the struggle that goes along with this but I am pleased to see the determination. It also feels good to be taking care of me and the kids and putting us first which is something I talked about frequently but should have been doing all along. I thought it would be selfish of me to put the needs of myself and the kids ahead of everyone else but really I was being selfish by NOT putting us first, if that makes any sense.  Ohhh.......the thinks I am thinking and the lessons I am learning...............life may be hard some of the time but God is good ALL of the time!