AngeGirl2007's Journal

10 May 2008

Hello Angel Doll!

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. A very bittersweet day. It is a day for mothers everywhere to be honored and remembered and lifted up. A day to celebrate the love and the heart and the sacrificial emotion that mothers pour into these souls lent to them by God. I however do not know how to celebrate. I do not know what to do this day. I am a mother but I am not a complete mother. I do not have all of my children here to celebrate with me. How that hurts!

Your brother Matthew brought home a tulip from school for me in a canister that he'd painted and decorated himself. On the wall, from when he was younger, is a picture he'd made of his handprint that was made to look like a flower. Over on my stereo is a photo frame that your oldest brother Jordan made when he was about 9 or 10 with a picture of him that is cut to the shape of a heart. In my bedroom, on my bookshelf, are two Momma bears from my very first Mother's Day. Kenny and Cheyenne have never made me gifts for Mother's Day--they're too young--but they've been here to give hugs and kisses as have Jordan and Matthew. I will never know a Mother's Day with you. I will never receive a hand made card with the letters written backwards and topsy turvy. I will never receive a bouquet of dandelions that are falling apart in your little hands that were used to lovingly pick them for me. I will never feel your arms around my neck or your kiss on my cheek. I will never hear your little voice say, "Here, Momma! I made this specially for you!"  Maybe over the passing of time, if time is gentle enough, I will remember that I do have you in my heart and in my soul and though you are not here in the physical sense you are here in the truest sense. Right now though, Angel Girl, this just doesn't seem enough and I hurt so bad right now. I am selfish enough to admit that tomorrow will not even begin to feel like a celebration without you to hold and to love and to gaze at.

So what will you do tomorrow, your first Mother's Day in Heaven? Will you watch over me and somehow send me a reminder that you are but a whisper and a prayer away? Will you let me know in your own gentle little way that love stretches beyond the veil of eternity and that I am loved by you as much as you are by me? Will you take Jesus by the hand and smile at me and say, "That's my Momma!" Will you whisper in my ear that I am still a momma even though you are in the most gentle of arms right now and that when my work here is done you will be waiting for me?  I pray all of these things, my little one, since the one thing I want more than anything else in the world I cannot have and that is you here in my arms. I do not want to face tomorrow, or any day, without you.

I continue to love you forever and a day, my Angel Doll!

Momma