AngeGirl2007's Journal

Well, as of the fourth of this month, I will be gainfully unemployed five months. I am nowhere near my goal of a new job and I am growing more and more discouraged. I have applied everywhere...or at least it seems like everywhere....online as well as in person. I have had three interviews which have turned up fruitless. I have sat here crying, feeling so useless because I cannot begin to take care of my family this way. It is slowly taking its toll. I have a college degree...Bachelor of Arts.....and I just got done applying for a job at Burger King! Not that I think I am too good for Burger King. I've worked fast food before and if it means helping my family I will gladly  do it again. It is still an honest day's work. I just thought I would be in a different place in my life right now. 

My little Angel's due date is fast approaching...seven days from now...and I don't want to face it though I know I have to. I have not spent much time here as I did. I have barely posted anything, written anything..maybe a few things here and there but not like I was. I feel in some ways that I have retreated inward a bit. I have not done anything with her memorial site, I have not added any pictures and I couldn't begin to say the last time I'd written to her. I haven't even glanced through her box and I am so confused by this. Have I forgotten her? Is it typical to have a space of time where you don't frequent some of these things like in the beginning when the pain was still so raw? Am I ignoring her? What does this all mean? 

A while back I had contacted a site that gives teddy bears to grieving parents free of charge. I hadn't heard anything so I just pushed it to the back of my mind and forgot about it. A couple of weeks ago I got a package in the mail. It was the softest white teddy bear with a Christmas-y red ribbon around its neck along with a sympathy note. Talk about timing, huh? 

I have also finally mustered up my courage and am now attending face to face meetings through Al Anon. For the past month I have attended meetings online because I was unable to get to local meetings. A few weeks ago I went with my bf to an open AA meeting where an Al Anon speaker was the guest of honor. It was an awesome meeting and while there, I hooked up with a gal who attends the local Al Anon group and she offered to pick me up for the meetings. I jumped at the chance. I'll say this..it is sucha  different experience from the online meetings. What I mean is that face to face there is nowhere to hide. Here in front of my computer I can leave the room, look away, or just plain exit out. But when you're elbow to elbow with people it is a whole new ball game. How nice it was to hear the stories of other people who are walking their own road to recovery because I suddenly didn't feel quite so alone. In the beginning of all of this mess I did. I felt alone and sick and scared. It was very comforting to hear what others are going through and reading in their books has helped to strengthen me as well. I was naughty and treated myself to a new BIble, one that I have wanted for years but was never able to acquire it. It is called "The Life Recovery Bible" and it's for folks working a 12 step program. I can hardly wait to get into it because I think with the journey I am on it will definitely fill in the missing places, not to mention shopw me how to properly apply the 12 steps in my life.  The Word of God always does and I am so hungry for that lately. I have not tasted of it as I once did. And I guess this is where I am coming to see the cold, hard reality of the first step in my life~~~how I have admitted that I am powerless over alcohol and its effects and that my life is indeed unmanageable. I am finally admitting that to myself and that I had become sick as well from this disease. Now it is a matter of getting better.