Journal Entry for July 22, 2008
July 22, 2008 2:31pm
I thought seeing a worse family would make me more appreciative of mine. I almost forgot what a tosser my dad is. He reversed into someone nearly and …
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PowerOut
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Kids are Dying out in the Snow; Look at em go, Look at em go.
Recently: 47 hugs given, 45 hugs received more …
About Me
......................http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wFSXjOlvZpc&feature=related................................................................................ I'm tired. I'm young and I was tired a long time ago. Tired of ignorance. I have realised my main problem is not caring enough about myself, taking a large weight of issues out of my control on myself. I haven't learnt how to stop this yet. I hate your ignorant existance. I live in a world of truth and honesty, and anyone expecting to get close to me could get hurt, I'm a cynic, and there's very little I believe in, except friends, I can see through things, I know when someone's lying, or being selfish, it is a curse and a blessing. I've spent my life battling and fighting to convince people that we as people cannot go on 'like this', and I will continue too, I either give up, or end up dead. It's my choice.
Interests
*Not accepting new friends except for special circumstances - a lot of my friends including myself need support and I'm stretching too thin as it is, thanks for understanding* You can't kickstart a dead horse I am very passionate about music. I take my I-pod everywhere. When I wash up, cook food, take a bath, go on a bus. I live and breathe music and am finally learning guitar, it's SUCH a great release for me, I never started because of lack of self esteem, thanks to my family. My other passion is photography - sadly I don't believe in splatting my work all over the internet until I'm assured my stuff won't be pinched via google image searches. I photograph everything if it interests me, I was always too lazy to pain or draw, I've worked in graveyards, big cities and small towns, I've also done a project on homlessness.
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Hugbook
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Hey you. I just wrote a journal entry about last night, but I wanted to personally say to you that I'm sorry. I shouldn't have acted the way I did, but I was having a bit of a breakdown. So sorry, but also thank you for talking to me last night. Even if I didn't say much, I really do appreciate your help.
Hug
Well, it was a while ago. Mostly I remember simply reading your posts. Many have uplifted me at times! I haven't read any of your more recent ones I don't think, which explains a lot I suppose. I understand what you mean- I didn't know you went through chemo. Are you recovered/recovering well from cancer then?
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Hug
The fact you've said sorry is all I need Powerout. I am sorry you have been feeling bad lately as well. I didn't mean to seem like I was attacking you today-- I know we don't usually speak but I do remember you being there for me in past times, so I appreciate your presence on DS. I'm here of course if you ever need someone to listen.
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Well I don't know if you know, but I had just started to feel better after being suicidal for a few days, and I finally had some strength to post what you call 'cheesy.' It takes a lot of courage for some people to try and be positive, ya know? And no one else laughed-- they were just supportive and told me if they liked it or they left it. You can be honest powerout, but there was no need to poke fun of me.
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Hug
I finally made a positive post and you said it made you 'nauseous,' and that you were trying to insult my post. I was trying to write about how life wasn't so bad- you don't remember?
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Goals
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Support Groups
Close Depression
Type: Clinical (Major) DepressionDepressed since the age of 12 or 13, perhaps before. Clinical at age 13-14-15 to sometimes almost going to the loony bin! Had cancer when I was 12 and neglected as a child. Brought up in world war 3. Pretty much how everything started. That and never having anything positive said about me almost my whole life up until now.
Treatments
- Psychotherapy Working / Worked
- Writing Working / Worked
Close Acute Myelogenous Leukemia (AML)
Had this april 2000. In hospital for 5-6 months solid.
Treatments
- Chemotherapy Working / Worked
- Seven years later - I think it did the trick.
- Cytarabine Working / Worked
- Whole body aches... blisters on your.. eyes? mm
Open Family Issues
Grew up alone.Parents are only together because of an accidental child. Mum is subordinate house wife, dad is a post war stereotype man. To give you an idea of how much of a shit he is. We have two cats. He's usually the first one home. He sits next to the door or the computer while they pine to come in even in wind and snow and nobodies fed them all day. He is abusive, a bully, he eats like a pig, he's racist, homophobic and generally played a big part in ruining my life and others.
Treatments
Open Video Game Addiction
World of warcraft Enough said right? But I started playing even in beta. I was a fan of RTS and loved WC3. I would like to say I don't think I was addicted in a proper way though perhaps that is denial. I became addicted because I couldn't face my life I had nobody to talk to and I was a failiure, I never realised I cared so much about games because I felt I was achieving something.
Treatments
- Cold Turkey Working / Worked
- I just suddenly stopped playing. I have kind of stopped before but the apathy towards life seemed to continue and everything felt hopeless. My motto with a few fellow players was I give up on life. *update* I missed my 'friends' after spending 6 months mostly alone (friends at uni) I started playing some again, at first it was a bit rocky, but I've (call me sad - i dont care) put a lock on how much I can play and I can't play after 1am. So far its going ok)
Open College Stress
Due to depression, sleeping problems, apathy, I've failed or done a bodge job at college. I've failed to get a decent amount of A-levels twice and almost failed my 3rd attempt, shockingly. It's really, really got me down and I've really felt pathetic. I'm 21 and getting so much stick from all the younger guys. I can get along with younger guys but it seems I can't make proper friends now.
Open Insomnia
Once didnt sleep for 3 months solid. Much more scarring experience then having cancer, I can tell you that for sure. Cancer has 'healed', my 'phobia' of my bed hasn't.
Open Anxiety
Totally random anxiety. Usually when stone cold sober and meeting new people out.. At college I'm not as nervous, probably because I'm older and feel a bit more secure, despite having no good friends.
Treatments
- Positive Thinking Somewhat Helpful
- It's a battle, feels like I have the two characters on my shoulder. I literally argue with myself in my head, gives me a headache.
Open Physical & Emotional Abuse
I was emotionally bullied by pretty much everyone in my family. My sisters spread rumours that I was gay when I was a teenager.. lot's of stuff. I even stopped eating dinner with them and had to eat in my room.
Treatments
- Music Somewhat Helpful
- Being so sensitive and listening to the wrong music makes you feel worse. It CAN help but you have to be in the right frame of mind. Couldn't live without it anyway.
- Psychotherapy Somewhat Helpful
- Can't reverse the damage
- Talking Somewhat Helpful
- Venting .. I would vent a lot to my friends. They got very fed up with me.. but I was so angry all the time.
Open Codependency
I havn't been diagnosed - but I believe it to be the single most life destroying thign in me at the moment even if I don't have it I've got similar characteristics.
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