Journal Entry for April 5, 2007
April 5, 2007 10:27am
1 Comment
today sucks i woke up with a cold . i hate being sick , i just want to relax but i can never relax i dont know how to anymore.
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Have you ever just prayed to die? To just not wake up anymore...I'm so sick of hurting and never having an end to it. I'm in Little Rock on work travel, alone, sick and sad. I'm tired of hearing about Mother's Day. I'm tired of not having a baby. I'm tired of wanting...wanting...wanting and never getting. Everyone else can just achieve something that should just come so naturally. But here I am...living through others, again. I hate this! I hate the fact that folks can just decide they want to start trying and then become pregnant. I'm sick of tracking the pregnancies of my friends. I thought that maybe Clomid would be of assistance. But I just read online that if the man's hormone levels are normal, then it probably won't help. I can't get financing and I don't have medical insurance that covers it. There is no one that I can tell. There is no one that can help. I hate life. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to feel anymore. I don't want to cry anymore.
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love being alive
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have a baby
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Journal Entry for April 26, 2007
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hey its me agsin...i am sick as hellp ihave been for the last couple days and its likeing killing me i dont like it bout noon i get so tired and have this big headack and stoamck at noon i just want to go and layt down i fee; sp bad amd o kist wamt ...
Journal Entry for January 28, 2007
January 28, 2007 10:43pm
2 Comments
My soon to be ex husband called me tonight and every word out of his mouth just infuriates me. I remain calm and talk politely, but inside my head I just want to tell him what a horrible person I really think he is. He wanted to know why I ...
Sweetie, I can really relate to how you're feeling. I'm so tired of trying and hoping and crying and wishing and failing and caring. I don't want to do it anymore. Last night i started thinking about ways that i could just peacefully die. I seriously thought about putting my pillow over my head and letting myself suffocate in my sleep.
But, i know that's not the right answer. i hope you do too. Being dead would help you get pregnant for sure. Do you have a therapist you can go see?
My therapist keeps telling me that I'm letting this infertility ruin my life and that's a choice i made to let it affect me like that and that right now i should put TTC on hold until i can get control of myself. I know i should probably listen to his advice but i just haven't been able to let go yet. I can't imagine letting a month go by without trying. it's not like you can get those months back later. but he's probably right, it's unlikely that i'll get pregnant anyway if i'm so unbalanced emotionally. so i'm sorta wasting those months as it is and then maybe even ruining months in the future because i'm not dealing with it now.
what do you think? maybe both of us should think about taking a month or two off. i can't believe i just typed that.
well... either way.... don't give up on life. i won't if you don't, okay?
Elanorien