bluehippo's Journal

Dear Zygote in my belly (can I call you an embryo yet?),

I just wanted you to know that you are so loved. You don't have a name, a sex, a brain or even a heartbeat...but my heart skips a beat just thinking of you. I love that I am sick with nausea because of the changes going on in my body to aid in bringing you into this world safely. You are my reason for living. You are the very joy of my life. I've desired to have you since the age of 9 and probably prior to that. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that by that age I was fixated on what you would be like. I can't wait to feel you continue growing in my belly. I long for the days where I may get a small glimpse into what your foot or hand looks like as it slides across my belly. I can't wait to feel your boney elbows poking me in the side from within. These are all things that I can only imagine in an 'Alien' viewer type of way because it has never happened to me. I've cried so many tears over you not being here. And I've been praying for so long that today would come. Today is the day that I'm CERTAIN that I'm pregnant with you. All of the items I've seen online and all of the symptoms that I have felt have confirmed that you are alive within me. Although, you are probably just a mere ball of cells as I type this from my hotel bed. I'm playing hookie from work this afternoon because you have me so tired and nauseous. It's okay, though. I'd do anything for you. Afterall, I've waited my whole life to meet you. I hope I can be even half of the mother that you deserve. I know that I've got a long way to go to being what you need in life, but I promise that I will never forget what a blessing I've been given in you. I hope that years of prenatal vitamins have made my uterus nice and plush for you. I hope that my body doesn't fail you. I will do everything that I can to make certain that you know that I love you...I've always loved you...and I will always love you. You are my greatest accomplishment and my brightest life moment. Please forgive me, in advance, for my neuroticism and overprotection. Oh, and the strangely huge amounts of affection that I duly plan on showering you with. There's nothing I can do about it. Hopefully, your daddy will be a good balancer for me. But I want you to know now that you are in for it ;) Just the mere thought of holding you in my arms one day, feeding you from my breasts, kissing your face and smelling your hair for the first time has my face dripping with tears. What can I say? Your mom is overwhelmed with pride in you and you haven't even had your first recital. Just know...you were planned in love...you were conceived in love...you ARE love.

Have you ever just prayed to die? To just not wake up anymore...I'm so sick of hurting and never having an end to it. I'm in Little Rock on work travel, alone, sick and sad. I'm tired of hearing about Mother's Day. I'm tired of not having a baby. I'm tired of wanting...wanting...wanting and never getting. Everyone else can just achieve something that should just come so naturally. But here I am...living through others, again. I hate this! I hate the fact that folks can just decide they want to start trying and then become pregnant. I'm sick of tracking the pregnancies of my friends. I thought that maybe Clomid would be of assistance. But I just read online that if the man's hormone levels are normal, then it probably won't help. I can't get financing and I don't have medical insurance that covers it. There is no one that I can tell. There is no one that can help. I hate life. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to feel anymore. I don't want to cry anymore.