evan42's Journal

I haven't written anything in a while. Mostly I've just been trying to digest things. I told Sarah that I was letting go and I am trying to do that. Sunday I went to a spa and got a fancy massage. Even though I don't really have the money for that kind of thing it felt really nice to do something like that. I have been in a little physical discomfort and it was nice being free of that for a day. I want to work out a budget so I can do it monthly or something. Every week would be awesome, but that would be a few hundred bucks under what I pay for rent... Not gonna happen.

I've spoken to Sarah a few times and I saw her for a few minutes yesterday. She called me last night and said it was awesome seeing me. She said she misses me and she loves me. I miss her and love her too, but I know it's just the yo-yo thing... If only she could make up her mind about what she wants...

She's actually kind of mad at me right now. It's because of stupid myspace too! I left a comment on a friend's page joking about living in the woods and getting a rash. She thought I was making fun of her getting a rash when we climbed Bishop's Peak on New Year's Day. I've called her and messaged her about a hundred times tonight. It wasn't about her. I'm not the type of person to do something mean on purpose.

She'll get over it or she won't I suppose. And I know I shouldn't let it bother me... But it does. I don't like hurting her feelings no matter what we are to eachother anymore.

I feel weird about it all. I'm just really trying to do what I can do be happy again. Moving on is the only way I think that can happen right now. ...it's just tough because I still love her and miss her so much. ...and it's even tougher when she says the same thing. But I know that we aren't supposed to be together right now.

I dunno. I should just take a shower and go to bed and forget about it. I can't do anything to make her feel better right now and I shouldn't call anymore. Knowing her I probably won't hear from her for a couple of days. Maybe a week. I'm just going to plan on living my life as usual and if I hear from her then it's icing on the cake.

I need to make more money. Some things would be a bit easier to deal with if I wasn't worrying about bills. At least I have my tax refund coming in soon. It'll get my credit cards down a bit and relieve some stress there. I also went to one of my old jobs and told them that if they need any help on the weekend they should give me a call. With being single now, I'm pretty fucking bored on the weekends. So instead of spending money to be entertained, I'd might as well make a couple extra bucks and stay busy.

Anyway...