evan42's Journal

There's so much to write right now. I don't really have the energy to explain all the details.

Sarah doesn't want to be with me. She said that I'm the sweetest guy she's ever met and that I deserve to be with someone who can appreciate that. We had such a good time last night... But it was so good because we were both saying goodbye. Not that saying goodbye was the good part, but because we could just be happy for a night because there was nothing to lose. I saw her family, and although they didn't know it, I was saying goodbye to them too. We were up so late talking about it all. She said that she knows we'll get married one day. She knows we'll get back together. But not now. We are both too messed up. We got in an argument towards the end and I couldn't make myself go. I knew that starting today we wouldn't talk for a long time and I didn't want to leave on that note. But it was like 4am and she was starting to fall asleep and I think she was mad mostly because she was tired. She was drifting in and out and I got ready to go. Then I sat next to her on the bed and told her that she's mad right now, but we both will eventually forgive each other. I told her that I love her so much and that I want to be with her again some day... and that I hoped I would hear from her again soon.

She was mad up to that point but I think she heard me. I asked her to kiss me goodbye and give me a hug and she did. I told her I loved her again and she said she loved me to.

I can't describe how painful it was twisting the door knob and cracking it open. It physically hurt to do.

Oh, Sarah. When will you be in my life again? Are you just going to call me tomorrow? Are you still mad and hurt today? You're getting happier now and I will be missing out on seeing the happy Sarah again... at least for now... I don't want her to be mad at me. Last night she opened up and actually cried in front of me. I don't know if this makes sense, but it was nice to actually see that she was sad that it's over.

I don't want this to be real. I want her in my life still.

...but if she called tomorrow it would be such a bad thing... If it's on purpose or not, the going back and forth is just too exhausting. Right now I am very sad and would love to be back together with her... but I also just need a chance to let go. If we do get back together in the future, we both need to have let go of all the things that hurt. It would be brand-new. A clean slate... And with how much we've been hurting it will take some time to actually make it truly new. We have to break the cycle.

This hurts so much.