evan42's Journal

I came home to my parents and brother on Friday night. Last weekend after everything started going downhill, I made plans to fly home and just be away from it all. For the most part, it's been a good "retreat" of sorts. I've gotten to see and talk to my family without being in tears and just feel human.

A wrench was thrown in the works before I left on Friday though. Sarah called and told me in tears that she was fired from her job. It's something that concerns me because temporarily, it is/was making her more depressed. However, it's done a bit of distracting from our problems. It's given me a chance to talk to her and have normal conversations when she calls, and support her in a way that I think can help her out more than just with getting over losing her job.

It's felt very good with her calling me a few times a day because she's down and looking for me to confide in. The distance over the weekend has also made it so she has to go to her friends and family too, which I think is incredibly important.

I feel a lot of ways about this. I am scared that it will make things worse. I am optimistic that it will give her a chance to sort her life out and actually do things for herself. I'm not the only one that has told her to take this time between jobs to take a vacation. It's hard to tell how all of this will effect our break and possible reconciliation. But I can't do anything about it, so mostly I'm still trying to stick with just trying to keep myself going in a happy direction. It's all I can do.

I'm going back to LA tomorrow and maybe tomorrow or Tuesday night I will see her. Possibly not - we could wait this break out. I think it depends a lot on how she feels. This thing has gotten so complicated but I still feel like my feelings about her are clear: I love her an miss her a lot; and want to be in a relationship with her. But I should say that I don't want to be in the same relationship with her. Getting back together means starting over completely.

I feel stronger this weekend than I did last weekend. I know that as time goes on I will feel stronger and happier. I only hope for her that it goes the same way for her and that perhaps we can do that together. I'm a big sap... It's hard to give up on being happy with her.