treadingwater's Journal

isn't it weird how th slightest thing can drive you crazy when you're feeling down! My mouse isn't working properly, well not when I'm touching it anyway. My 14 year old daughter can work it perfectly. Without sounding paranoid it's another exmaple of when "it knows" or "they know"; of when feeling down magnifies every tiny little trifling issue that normally wouldn't be seen as a problem, into a validation of useless we are and how we can't do anything right.  Before I joined this site I was becoming concerned about how down I was becoming: that I wouldn't be able to catch up on everything that wasn't getting done and that I was cutting myself off from everything and everyone that I need to stay sane.  I realise now that I'd forgotten how it feels to be truly depressed and maybe returning to that state is where my fear really lies.  At my lowest I self-harmed, physically. Not by cutting but by scratching. The pain wasn't instant, it was like being set on fire; on of my many suicidal fantasies. aybe when I cut off all my hair it was to stop me setting light to it, I thought at the time it was so I'd stop pulling it out, I was almost bald on top. I know now that I was just hurting; screaming from my soul and yet too embarrassed, ashamed and terrified of this pain to "allow it." I want to be more in touch with my feelings but everytimeI deal with one issue my subconscious throws me another. It's like stripping away the layers of an onion.