atruefriend's Journal

On January 22, I saw my therapist again. This was my fourth visit. If I thought she was hard on me before, nothing prepared me for this past Tuesday. She was BRUTAL. When I left her office, I felt like I'd been hit by a MACK truck - three times.

She basically told me I was being selfish and cruel to my husband. That my relationship with HER was "inappropriate" and that if she was going to continue treating me, I was required to end ALL contact with HER.  She told me that if I keep going down the path I'm currently on I would drive my husband to suicide. !!!

I'm already feeling like I want to give up and here she was ripping open the already gaping hole in my heart only to shove a hot poker into it. The guilt is unbearable. My emotions have never been more out of whack than they are right now. My therapist told me that if I had not ended all contact with HER before our appointment today at 6pm, she would be forced to drop me as a patient and instruct my husband (whom she is treating separately right now) to LEAVE ME. !!!

She called me a child. Said that my involvement with HER is my way of reliving the youth I never had. She keeps telling me, "There are no free lunches." In other words, I can't have my cake and eat it too. I KNOW THIS. I know I have to make a choice. But I am NOT capable of that right now. How can I make a choice when I don't know what I want... when I don't know WHO I am right now???

In all honesty, I think my therapist is missing the whole point as to why I came to her in the first place. I came to her because I am struggling with identity issues within myself. These identity issues are mine and mine alone. They are affecting my marriage - YES! I mean, of course they are! But if I can get myself well, then the marriage should fall back into place. Or at least, once I'm well, we will have a better chance at fixing the marriage. But only once I'm well! When someone is dealing with inner conflict, even if it has nothing or little to do with the relationship they are in, it's going to affect the marriage. So, I came to her so she could help me figure things out for myself - within myself, but now she's solely focused on treating my marriage. I don't need her to treat my marital issues, I need her to treat MY issues and THEN we can work on the marriage. How can you fix my marriage if I'm still screwed up?!? It's like, taking your beat up old car in for a brand new shiney paint job.  What's the point of painting it and making it all pretty if your transmission is missing??  You cannot fix my relationship with my husband until I figure out WHY I'm having the inner conflict that I'm having. How come I can see this without a degree in psychology, but she can't?

When I explained the newest revelation from my therapist to HER yesterday, she freaked. She really lost it. She realized that she was going to lose me - because I can't leave my husband. Not right now. It would be impetuous and unfair to leave now. I haven't even begun to figure out my issues - I have NO clue where we are headed.  And even if I knew that my marriage wasn't going to survive (even after therapy), is it really healthy for me to jump from one relationship right into another? Of course not. I know this. And still... my heart longs for her. It wants to be with her... and him.

So, yesterday, SHE ended things with me. SHE will not accept my phone calls, SHE will not respond to my emails, SHE has deleted me from her My Space - SHE has deleted me from her life - for her own sanity. SHE did what I haven't had the courage to do.

I am crushed. I am in physical pain. I don't know how I got myself into this. I really don't...

I am in love with her.

But I am married to him... and feel tremendous obligation to him and to the life we've built.

All I know is, I'm in need of some clarity and fast. I found another therapist today. I have an appointment with her on Monday at 3pm. I PRAY she is the right fit for me. I pray...

I'm not going to my current therapist anymore. My husband agrees with me that she's not helping me. That a therapist who's dealt with post-gastric bypass patients and those suffering with identity/sexual issues is better suited for me. So, that's where I'm headed now. Please pray that this is the right path, that clarity is coming soon, and that it will be a price I can afford... that we can all afford.