atruefriend's Journal

I just saw my new therapist yesterday for the first time. I really like her. The hour goes by way too fast. I could have talked for hours... possibly days. I am really lost. I am really confused. I am really going crazy.  After talking with my therapits, I went to see HER. We spent the entire afternoon together and it was wonderful... until the end part when I had to leave HER. It gets harder to leave every time.

On my drive home, SHE called me. SHE was VERY sad... VERY down... it scared me. I know why SHE's sad. SHE didn't want me to leave. SHE never wants me to leave. But I have a home. I have a husband. I have ... responsibilities that I can't ignore. I am living two lives and it is killing me.

SHE's going on a date this weekend. SHE's been talking to a girl for about a week now. SHE likes her. SHE's IN LOVE with ME, but she feels she has to put herself out there. It's not like I can expect her not to date. SHE wants a relationship and SHE knows this one with me is going no where. Honestly, the idea of her being with someone else is KILLING ME. It's RIPPING MY HEART OUT. It's MAKING ME PHYSICALLY ILL. What does this mean?

Meanwhile, possibly to distract myself from HER attempt to move on, I'm trying to prevent MY issues from jeopardizing my marriage. I'm trying to protect myself, my husband, our marriage, our life together, my family ... all while my brain can't think about anything but HER. I am overwhelmed. I am not equipped for this situation - emotionally or otherwise.  My therapist ... I get the impression she thinks my marriage has issues beyond HER ... and she's probably right. Who am I kidding? I know she's right. I wouldn't have been so easily suaded into this relationship with HER if there wasn't something wrong or missing at home. I have a feeling therapy is going to lead me down a path of self discovery I wasn't expecting, nor am fully prepared for. Are we ever? Who really enjoys having a mirror put in front of their face and shown all there short comings and flaws and bad choices? Who wants to hear that their marriage - the thing they pride themselves on the most in life - isn't healthy? I have always thought of my marriage - of my husband - as being the BEST thing that ever happened to me. I've never felt worthy of him or his love. So, now that I find out it's quite possibly a sham, what does that say about my life? When everyone around you sees your relationship as this PERFECT thing... How can you then admit to yourself that it's not? Is my marriage a fraud? What the hell?!?!  I love my husband. I adore him. When I think of losing him, I literally stop breathing. I don't want him out of my life... but what does that really mean?  I mean, is my love for him, is my relationship with him, truly right for me? Is it healthy? I firmly believe people cannot be in healthy relationships until they themselves are healthy. So, if I'm not healthy (which I know I'm not), then that means 50% of my marriage isn't healthy. I know my husband definitely has issues he needs to address after all of these years so he's not truly healthy either... so that means our marriage isn't healthy because neither of us are. What the hell???

My therapist asked me, "In a perfect world and through this therapy, what do you want for yourself?"

I answered, "I want passion and chemistry with my husband. I want my marriage."  Then, without skipping a beat, I said, "I have no idea who I am. I want to figure out who I am, no matter what that means. And whoever I find myself to be, I want to be okay with it no matter what it is." I think my therapist thinks I'm a lesbian.

I try to figure everything out all of the time. I try to piece things together; find a connection to what happens and why and with who and how it all intersects and connects - to try and find reason and puspose behind it. I cannot stop believing that everything in life happens for a reason. We are all intertwined and connected in some way for a purpose. Sometimes I think that maybe SHE is here to be our wake up call. But then I stop myself because SHE's much more than that. I know SHE's in my life for a reason. SHE's way more than a catalyst for us figuring out our marriage is in trouble. I cannot minimize HER. I will not minimize her. SHE's more. I love HER. I honestly fear I can't let go of HER even if it's the best thing for me to do. I've never in my life experienced the kind of chemistry and passion that I have with HER with anyone else. I am so terribly lost and confused. I really hope my therapist can help me. I guess she realizes I'm really screwed up because I just saw her for the first time yesterday and she already wants to see me again today.

Things with HER didn't end well last night on the phone. I didn't call her back after she basically hung up on me (she likes to do that and I find that to be immature and pretty much the most disrespectful thing you can do to someone, which is why when people hang up on me, I'm not inspired to call them back). We usually talk before I go to bed and we didn't last night - honestly, I couldn't. I could not. I was on melt-down mode. After she hung up, my husband came into the kitchen where I was making dinner. He wanted to know all about my therapy appointment. I think I said two words before bursting into tears. I bawled through the entire conversation... I told him everything. I shared my deepest feelings for HER with him - which he's known about, but I'm not sure he realized just how deep it's gotten until last night. I could see the fear in his eyes; the fear of losing me. It broke my already fractured heart. He listened, he was sensitive to what I was telling him -- but he didn't comfort me. I was bawling and he never once took me in his arms. That's not like him. That scared me. He's shutting down. He's scared about going to the therapist, but knows he needs to go. I believe a lot of our issues stem from him. I believe I've gotten used to and adapted who I am because of how he's always been before and during our marriage. I believe I've compromised on things missing for so long they've finally come to a head. I believe we can't be right until he's in therapy, too. He wants to go. That's a first step. I have no idea what's going to happen, but at least we can say we're doing everything we know to do. We're trying. 

My therapist recommended a book for me and I started reading it last night. It's called Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie. I always thought co-dependency meant the same as being dependent or being dependent on people depending on you; like, you can't live without another person. I never considered myself to be co-dependent because I sincerely consider myself to be a very self-sufficient, independent woman. As I read, I'm finding it means a lot more than that and I identify with about 90% of it. I'm also realizing that a lot of how I am, how I think, how I react has been taught to me by my parents and their dysfunctional marriage. My family has always been very good at sweeping things under the preverbial rug. The problem with that is, eventually the rug is so high off the floor and so lumpy you're literally consumed by it and have no choice but to deal with what's under it... clean out what you've swept under there, even from years past. I guess this year I'll be doing some serious "house" cleaning.

I was in bed by 9pm last night. I had to go to bed because I knew if I stayed up much later I would call HER and I couldn't call. I can't call HER because I have nothing to say that will make it okay. I can't be what SHE needs right now. And I refuse to mislead HER or to tell HER what I know she wants and needs to hear from me until I can actually live up to it. So... what choice do I have? I can't string HER along. I can't lie to HER. I can't hurt HER. I can't keep HER from finding the love SHE deserves and wants. I can't stand in HER way. I love HER so much but it's still not enough. SHE needs and wants and deserves more... and this is all I can give right now and it's not enough. 

I cannot let go of HER. I try, but I fail. When I'm not with HER or not talking to HER I miss HER. I need HER. I cannot deal with HER moving on.

But SHE is moving on.... and I can't do anything about it.

I'm sobbing again.

I cry a lot these days.

I have to get well. I have to figure things out. Thank God for therapy.