MelindaG's Journal

Journal Entry for September 2, 2007 Mood

Sunday, September 2, 2007

So much pain and anger. A broken heart. My day was going OK, until I went upstairs into my bedroom. I found a magazine on the floor, next to a small paper bag. It was a porn magazine. Just laying there on the floor, in plain view for my 4-year-old son to find.

I'm so tired of all of it. I was starting to have second thoughts about leaving him, but this just sealed it. I can't. I won't. I'm so hurt, so broken hearted. I have to leave now. There's no going back. The magazine was from April 2006. That means he was lying to me for over a year and a half. Lies. Lies. LIES!!!!

This was earlier this afternoon. I got hit because of it. Because I ripped it up and threw it at him, hitting him the face. It's done now. I know there's more, but I'm not even going to bother looking for it. I am done. WE are done. There's nothing left of my heart to break. I feel no love for him. I see him for the liar that he is. He is a pervert. A liar. And a cold-hearted son of a bitch. He can't stop the porn, and he told me flat out that he won't. Well- that's all I needed to hear. I don't love him at all. He's just some disgusting (because of the constant masturbation), lying, abusive, rude, cold-hearted boy. He isn't even a man. A REAL man would say, "Honey, I love you enough that I will stop looking at porn. I made a promise to you, and I will keep that promise." He has broken EVERY SINGLE PROMISE he has ever made to me. Not ONE has been kept. A REAL MAN would NEVER go back on his word. A REAL MAN would know how to love someone. A REAL MAN would NEVER hit a woman, no matter what the cercumstances are. NEVER!

I don't want to live like this. I want to feel comfortable in my own home, knowing that there isn't any porn anywhere inside of it. I want to feel comfortable in my own body. With him, I feel like I am not sexy or beautiful. He MADE me this way with his porn. If I WAS sexy and beautiful, he wouldn't need porn. Well, guess what- I am a REAL woman. I have curves, I have stretch marks from being pregnant, I have flaws. I am not 18 years old, with a perfect body. Why would he want me after looking at those girls? I am so nasty that even my own husband won't touch me.

I handed him a knife, and told him to kill me. I wanted him to. I still do. I want this pain in my heart to go away. I want it all to be over with now. I don't want to go through this. I don't want to deal with this pain from the broken heart he has given me. I hate him, and all that he is.

But, I have to 'keep the peace' for our son. I have to walk away without yelling. So, I'm just going to pack my things and go. I will be pleasant to him- I have to be.

Hug MelindaG

Send to a Friend

Comments

Sorry that You are in so much pain. There are better ways to do this. Be strong for you and your son.

JoshN
Oh, sweetheart, I am so very, very sorry. But you mustn't give up on life. Life is beautiful. This man is what is making it ugly for you. I went through similar problems. I know how hard you try and try to trust them, and how very much it hurts to have that trust thrown back in your face... as though it had no value. *hug* I'm so sorry.

cyndi2774
Yes, Melinda, it is time to walk away. I know how difficult this time is for you and I am thinking about your. But you do have your son and your parents to help you through this. Do no let him make you feel less of a person. The problem is his and not a reflection of you. Hugs and good thoughts, Sharon

carlos
Melinda I agree with carlos. it is time to walk away. But please don't give up on life because Jonathan needs you, and think about him daily please. Remember I'm here if you need to talk. Denise

nhcountrygril
Melinda, i am so sorry you endured the awful abuse. i agree with Sharon (Carlos). It's time for new start, new safe, happier, and more pleasant start to a new life. You have your son, your life, and future. :)

Chris1981
Im so sorry you poor thing. I know you are strong enough to walk away and do so quickly before you son gets hurt. We are here for you!

luvnmy2babies
Melinda, How many times have you been through this ? You have managed to pick yourself up each time and your going to survive it this time too. This time its different though. You have gained strength gradually and now your getting strong enough to walk away from that self centered addict that is holding your spirit down. You deserve to be happy girl. Get out of there. DO not let him have contact with your son after the divorce, Fight it. His addiction has put your son in danger several times. Stop fooling yourself. You see the good in everybody and refuse to see reality. I'm the same way ! He is not good for you or for your son. Get out of there and fight for custody.

Joline
it is wrong for him to expose your child to that and you are so right to want to protect him. i am not proud to say i let this go on in my family and it eventually destroyed our marriage & corrupted my kids. you are so smart to recognize it's damaging effects now. i wish you luck & peace if that is possible, with making a new life for yourself and your son.

mckeeckm