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I have realized that finding out my divorce was final has given rise to new anger in me. I thought I had it all out but, apparently not. I'm not sure why it has revisited me, but I am going with that I haven't done all the forgiveness work I need to do. I am allowing Michael to continue to have a voice in my head. I am still trying to find a rational explaination for the irrational events that ended my marriage. I still somehow expect him to care about my and the kids feelings, when there is no reality in that expectation. Even more so, I keep expecting his father to be the man I thought he was, which he has already shown he's not. The people I thought they were live only in my illusions.
I also want to really figure out why I am hanging on to this. I have never been someone who couldn't let go. I think it has a lot to do with how it was done to me without me having any voice at all. It was done "to" me; my ego is overly involved. Being so completely abandoned without any second thoughts has taken a gigantic chunk out of my sense of having value and desirablity. I have always felt unique, valuable and special and the complete ease at which he walked away has made me doubt myself to the very core of my being. For the very first time in my life I am questioning my worth as a women, as someone lovable. I am suddenly judging myself harshly, something I have never done. I used to feel bigger than life. These days, more often than not, I feel invisible, or worse, visible but discounted. My natural self confidence has taken a hike. I want, more than anything, to come home to myself.
Is that you, Jo? Please come home. I miss you.
Comments
dont know what its worth, but you arent invisible to me..for whatever reason, god gave me you as *the go to person* in this hell i'm going thru..and you cant say cause we're so much alike..lol
msde
I know what u mean. We get dumped and we question ourselves about everything all the while they move on and life dont skip a beat for the ex. Don't except that lie that enters our thoughts. The devil attacks there and he is mean. You are a pearl. U rock in the eyes of Jesus. I love you and you are going to come out a winner i just know it. Start telling yourself oppisite of what satan puts in your head because he is a liar only to come to steal kill and destroy. You are greatly blessed ,highley favored and deeply loved! Don't forget it.!!!!!
onelasttime
Jo, you have also been my go-to person (as you know). Not only do you really understand just what I mean, you say exactly what I need to hear. You aren't invisible to us! Somehow this trauma has just temporarily lost you to yourself sometimes, maybe.
purplefinch
I'm not sure that what you are feeling is real anger, perhaps more like "resentment". At least that's what I'm getting from your words.
I also feel that most of us would like to be over and done with the emotions of this quickly, but is that really wise?
As for self confidence and self worth...mine went running and screaming down the street some time ago...I'll chase it down eventually!
courier
Resentment. Not sure. I'm going to mull that. I think it might be that I'm indignant.
Indignant: a feeling, characterized by, or expressing strong displeasure at something considered unjust, offensive, insulting, or base.
Yup. That's it.
joanespring
I could echo SO much that you said. My divorce is being "done" to me too, and my husband dumped me like old clothes with no warning to speak of.
In my case, I have had much chronic illness, was 12 years older than my spouse, and I think my looks have suffered. But love is supposed to look past that..... He has not admitted it, but I believe I was left for another woman. And I am not sure age and looks are completely the issue, but in my fifties, they are to me.
Anyway, I feel to be about two cents worth of woman now. I'm hoping in time to change back to the self that I was much fonder of, and many of my best characteristics will not be affected by aging,. But I really feel low, reduced. Damaged.
Seeing a therapist who says that women can lose much of themselves in their marriages.
Your mileage may vary but I have thought a great deal about that and think that in my case, way too true. I left a lot behind in those 18 years with him..... and I hope to rediscover it .... the good stuff that belongs to me ......
would be happy to discuss this more.... hugs to you, boyd
boyd52
I feel like I'm worthless too. I feel like my emotions were used and abused. I Want to be loved and touched but that is now gone. I truly feel for you. I too am hanging on and can't let go. I feel as if we are still together but in reality we are not. I feel like I am a dirty rag tossed to the side, worthless and useless. I know there is no other person to take his place. He made me feel special. He accepted me for who I was and not for who I wasn't. That's what I liked about him. But now Everything is gone. I will never get it back. It Hurts deeply More than the pain of my physical disease. It will last for eternity.
Will I ever be able to find a place to call home? Someone to love and who loves me in return?
Big Hgs to you!
Dolphinsforever
im new, you dont know me, but i can say your feelings are my feelings. I wish i had the answers for you. the answers that you deserve to hear. I feel your loss, it brings back the hurt of my divorce. I remember the hurt, then thinking i was done, then out of the blue the hurt like cancer attacks you a second time but this time it hurts more or in a different way. I would like to share a metophore with you even if i dont know you that well, so please take it with a grain of salt. YOUr heart feels like its breaking into a million pieces, but its actually getting bigger. Think about this for a second. Think about a different muscle, when you work out your bicept you break it down, stretch it out, it hurts like heck for a while then it rebuilds itself. now its bigger and stronger , you skip a day for the healing to begin, and you work out that muscle again, and the same thing happens, but NOW your bicept is super strong, it has changed physically and is cabaple of handling more then you ever expected. SO now back to your heart , it hurts, its healling, its growing, getting stronger, and this time next year or maybe sooner, your heart will be so strong and able to love more then you ever loved before, I beleive God is preparing your heart for a new deeper kind of love, a love that will take you to a place that you have newer been before. Its ok to cry your letting the hurt out, so a new type , a new unconditional love will fill its place. I promise! i really do! I say that with all confindence!
elzkrn7
Jo , mine is more the feeling of rejection, and self worth, i still to this day feel the rejection part bleeding thru. And she made me feel like i was the insane one, or the one that was all the problem. made me doubt who i was and if my motives were true. , after time now , i do feel i was true, and what i did was for our betterment, but the rejection is what i found hard to dispel.
Dun4now
*splutter* *spit* *wheeze* *THWAK!* *THUNK*
Oh for gods sake!!!! What the hell kind of pity part is this?!?!?! You all get off your toilet's and flush!!!!
Sure, maybe your not perfect and could work on a thing or two but in no way does that mean what he did had some validation and if you were this or that *more of a women* it wouldn't have happened! It wasn't about you or any lack in you, it was about him and a need to be sick, party and a certain 26 year old!!!! The way he handled it was more about his cowardice than anything else. It's very simple, it's not complicated! He's Bi-polar!!! He had an affair!!! He left!!!! He's a coward and a practicing addict!!!! End of story!!!! Your experiencing anger because you should, it's part of the healing process, it's normal!!! You need to get mad, you've been depressed!!! Maybe you need your anger to help propel you out of depression and into action!!!! Just allow it, sit with it experience it and process it. Get a bat and beat a pillow if you have to but by GOD do not give your power away to that ass and convince yourself your less than in any way shape or form! Your all woman!!! A damn gorgeous, smart, deep, intelligent, funny one at that!!!!!! You are awesome and don't you forget it!!!! And that goes for the rest of you whiners to!!!!!!
peace out....
LouieJ
Well hell
Lou I love u girl
Here I am avoiding the site and everything, feeling all down and just like Jo was writing about, so I come to read her journal again and in stead I read Lou's comment and that kicks me in the ass and tells me to wake the fuck up
Another one I owe to you Lou
Jo, I hope you get out of this soon sweetie, cause we love you and value you
yogamomm
Sorry I didn't respond to your journal earlier. I have been out all day.
I felt "invisible and discounted" during the marriage, and I can't honestly say which is worse. As for forgiveness, in my divorce care group they said it is something in your heart, not that you have to be nice or see him again. And I did that; I told him I forgave him. But that is different from forgetting. I think I know you pretty well by now, and you can forgive, but will never understand it or forget it. To forgive is to stop feeling angry and resentful. It isn't anger or resentment but a feeling of disbelief and betrayal.
A husband, by definition (Old English), is supposed to be a steward, a caretaker. One who is responsible to care for people. Ours weren't that. The didn't look after us and care for us.
I think we hold on because we want to believe that they will "snap out of it" and come to their senses, be contrite, and end this nightmare. But we know it won't happen and the decree makes that very final.
You are one of the most interesting, intelligent, articulate, wise people I have had the pleasure to know. I have seen your strength and wisdom at work in your advice to others. Now, you need to take this advice that you so kindly gave. Your worth is not attached to him. Your worth was there before, during, and after you knew him.
To be continued . .
Bert55
I think it's only natural to feel a little "back slip" when you see it nin black and white. I realize that deep down, you do know it's not about you, but self doubt is natural now. You are a huge presence here on DS...you have much worth - as a woman and as a person. ((Jo))
novacandycaine
I still have my days like this. When my brain is fully functioning I realize that he is the worthless, discounted one. These men choose to have affairs, it is about their low self esteem...nothing more.
solongbye
All right, here's my froggy kick in the ass. WAKE UP!!! He isn't worth the sweat off a proverbial ball sack!! You helped someone who has never had self esteem find that inner strength. You have value and worth and for christ sakes, think of the college kiddies!! They OBVIOUSLY see the attractive woman you are. Let mister "walked away cause I'm insecure about my manhood" out of that corner in your head, seal the room and bar the windows. You're pissed cause you think you let someone get the better of you and you didn't see it coming. Pride sucks, especially when it gets whacked upside the head. Pick it's ass back up, dust it off and put it back. He could only find her cause he was too damn dumb to get off the computer. You have real life, those who love you and I'm sure, wanna rock the socks off of ya. Find Jo!
FroggyFriend
my fave website would say your are reorganizing your world view, and you've got the scaffolding up, and you may be exhausted and pissed off at the task.
for me it's a shame thing, something i'm excavating and hopefully evicting, but that doesn't sound like you.
hmmm.... have you read the dance of anger?
trailblazer
I realize the danger of anger, but I guess we would have to define and categorize anger. My righteous anger is what keeps me out of the "pity party" mode, and I need to keep that just at hand when I start feeling all weepy.
Bert55
The reality is your are single again and FREE to be YOU! When you hear his little voice get in your head, chant to yourself like I do (Asshole, ASShole)(this is a reminder of HIm and why you divorced (heheheeh). Allow yourself all the years of pent-up internalized anger and emotions to spill. I give you permission to cry for what once was and then I want to cry for all "The Possibilities that will be Available" to your future. You will be processing the stages of mourning of a marriage that once had love and meaning. Stand proud of your accomplishment and remember no person should be treated less than themselves. Look in the mirror and see the REAL YOU, she isn't INVISABLE anymore to no one. YOU ARE a woman named JOANE! applaud applaud applaud!! Yehhhhhhhhhhhh YOU! SusieQ
Heckster