Journal Entry for March 5, 2008
March 5, 2008 6:10pm
Progress
30 %
Goal End Date is Jun 17, 08 170 days ago.
Current Weight (Lbs)
110
orphen1015’s Profile
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orphen1015
is feeling Horrible
About Me
i hate myself as of oct15, im am 23 yrs and an orphen i have no family/ real friends. i have a great husband though. i had a great mom i gave her cpr as she died in my arms.she was fine 30minuts before.
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Prayer
Honey, I am here if you need to talk, I am praying... Lord please be with her today and give her peace and the strenght she needs to get thur one day at a time.
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So SOrry for all you are going through. I take meds for anxiety too; whatever works. I have been through several losses in a short time, it's sccary to think I could lose more......love and prayers to you.
Hug
I am sending you the biggest hug I can! I am here for you as is everyone else. Anytime you are feeing really low contact one of us please!
Hug
My heart goes out to you! You are so young to loose your mom, I'm much older, and it still hurts. I hope that you are OK!!!!
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Hey, how are you doing? I'm not on here as much as I used to be, but I do check in. Remember that I'm still here if you want to talk, ok? Hope you're doing ok, hun
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Goals
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Support Groups
Close Bereavement
Type: Loss of a Parentit was october 15th.my mom had just gotten an apartment close to where i lived on oct01 so we were decorating and moving things in.god had finally answerd my prayers,this was the first place my mom had to live in 8 years.it was the best two weeks i ever had with my mom on the 15th day we went to lunch and went back to her apartment. she started not to feel good at 1:45 she felt sick she told me not to call anyone she colapsed at 2:00 i tried to give her cpr as she died in my arms on the floor.
Treatments
- Ambien Considering
- i sleep 3 hours and wake up in a panic or with nightmears even when taking double doses as my doctor perscribed 2 10mg at bed time. no side effects
- Crying Too Soon to Tell
- i cry all the time i dont know if it helps i have never cried this much in my life.
- Getting Angry Too Soon to Tell
- i scream till my throte hurts and punch pillows but walls seem to help much more when my hand hurts or my knucles bleed i feel the pain in my hand it helps to take the pain from my heart just a little.
- Grief Counseling Too Soon to Tell
- i am going to hospis for counseling and (emdr)for (ptsd) i still see my mom diying everyday,her face and eyes.
- Pets Considering
- i have 4dogs and 4cats 2 were my moms i find some comfort from seing her cats at my house and my doggies know when i am crying and upset they dont leave my side.they try to make me feel better.
- Psychotherapy Not Working
- all they wana give me is anti depressants which make me feel horrible or i am allergic to. there is no pill in the world that will not make me sad when i think of what happend. xanax seems to help me not have cronic panic atacks
- Remembering Not Working
- i dont want to remember.all i think about are the bad times because there were so few happy times except when she got her apartment and it just hurts to think about there where it happend.
- Writing Too Soon to Tell
- i write letters to my mom i ask her lots of questions,and tell her things. i ask her alot to dream with me because i cant live with out her i need her to tell me if she is ok and what to do. i still only have nightmears of her diying in my arms.
- Xanax Somewhat Helpful
- helps with the panick atacks especially since that day.but was taking it before mom died. it has major sideffects i have been taking it since feb07 and mom died 0ct 15 07. so my dosage has gone frome .25 twice a day to 2mg a day. if i miss a dose or dont take it i begin to shake and feel disorented i start to have panic attacks thinking about being on that apartment floor with my mom as she died i think this may be withdraw or i really need to be on this stuff.DOC UPD MY DOSE AGAIN 4MG A DAY.
Close Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
my mother and i have had a hard life we have been seperated due to poverty.she finally got an apartment 0ct01 on oct15 we were at her apt she started to feel ill and colapsed on the floor and in minuts i was giving her cpr as vomit was coming out of her mouth,she was turning blue and diying in my arms on the floor of her apartment.she was my only family i have no one now.and all i see is my mother liying on the floor and her lifeless face and eyes.i smell,tast and feel my mothers mouth.
Treatments
- EMDR Too Soon to Tell
- Psychotherapy Somewhat Helpful
- Xanax Somewhat Helpful
- helps to not have as many freekout panic atacksdoctor doubled my dosage to 4mg a day
Open Vegetarians & Vegans
Type: OtherHAVENT HAD MEAT IN OVER A YEAR,EXCEPT OCCATIONAL SEAFOOD. CANT STAND THE THAUGHT OF EATING SOMTHING THAT WAS ALIVE AND DIED IN PAIN.
Treatments
- Iron Working / Worked
- HAVENT BEEN TAKING YET BUT,NEED TO START TAKING
- Patience Working / Worked
- LOVE VEGGIES AND COMING UP WITH NEW DISHES
- Vitamin B12 Working / Worked
- HAVENT TAKEN IT YET, I NEED TO TAKE IT
Open Endometriosis
have the most painfull periods,the week before is the worst.i have had so much pain to the point of crying on the floor.it was only my period starting. so im not sure if i have endo... i have told my dr.about the pain and she tryed to give me b/control pills which made me crazy!
Open Pregnancy
i would like to plan to become pregnant ,i think it will help me heal some of the loss of my mother she was my only family.i am worried because i suffer from cronic panack attacks and insomnia & ptsd and take med's for this.
Open Eating Disorders
Type: AnorexiaI LOST MY MOM OCTOBER 15 2007.SINCE THINGS HAVE JUST GONE DOWN HILL FOR ME . I HAVE LOST ALOT OF WEIGHT AS EXPECTED AFTER THE TRAUMATIC LOSS OF MY ON,AND NOW I CANT EAT ANYTHING AND THE THOUGHT OF FOOD NOW MAKES ME SICK TO MY STOMACH. I AM AFRAID I AM GETTING SICK.
Open Sexual Abuse
dont want to talk about it.it has effected me my whole life and i ignored it.im ashamed. i couldent even tell my mom before she died,and still dont know how to deal with it.
Treatments
- Art Working / Worked
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Groups
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