Terence64's Journal

I feel guilty and anxious when I leave the house and my dogs behind,even when it's to do something that I should enjoy like going out to eat or to a movie.I feel that I am abandoning my dogs and that they will feel the same isolation that I feel alone in my house.I get so angry that the only drug that helps me(Diazepam)is the one that I need to cut back on,while the others Buspar, and Lexapro are not doing anything for me so far.My Sister and Brother can not understand why I am not grateful and happy that I have been able to stay in my parents house since their deaths,and only have to pay what amounts to one quarter of my monthly disability check to help in paying the house mortgage. But I also have to pay the utility bills and for groceries,which has made me have to cancel my satellite T.V. movie channels which helped me pass the evenings. The fact that at the present time I should be grateful that I'm not out on the streets makes me feel even worse, for I think as I get older I will probably end up dying in a hospital bed like my parents, but with no children of my own there to comfort me.

I want to take the dogs out for their first(?)late Saturday early Sunday morning walk around the neighborhood since my Dad died,but I want to take my 40mgs. of Diazepam so I'll be very peaceful and calm as I walk and will have The Dennis Prager Radio Show playing on my Walkman while I have my earplugs in. But I am still scared of waking up on Sunday afternoon for some reason. One of these meds is screwing me up;sleeping,red blotches on my body I sure as he** didn't need those things to happen when there should be nothing for me to worry about,after all my Mom and Dad aren't alive for me why should I be so scared of dying?