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Well, I survived another year and 10 months... It will be my 2 year anniversary in January of discovering my problem and starting my fight against anorexia. Since then, I've been through some good times, but have also had a few relapses. At least now I recognize what is happening to me and I can either try to correct it myself or call a friend to support me. I have been at a constant 105 pounds for about the last year, which is much better for me, but still not enough. 110 or 115 would be about right. My clothes are too loose on me and I can see my ribs. I have also learned to cook some meals myself. But, it is still a daily battle to force myself to eat properly. Especially when I am stressed out. I realize now that stress or sadness is my trigger. But, the sadness is funny because sometimes missing a meal will send me into a depression quicker than lightning. So, in reality the sadness is the result of some other initial trigger. Anyway, I don't have it all figured out yet. I just know that I still have a problem. And it interferes with my life. It interferes with my job. In fact I am not working right now because I cannot stand to be trapped on a job with a scheduled lunch break and a frozen dinner and coworkers pestering you to be social with them. At home I am learning to eat when I am hungry, like a normal person should. The biggest accomplishment for me is that now my mind actually registers when I am hungry. Before I never received the signal... and then many hours later I am starving, weak and lying on the floor. So, now I get the signal and often time eat, but sometimes not depending on my mood. Well, that is enough of me rambling. If anyone else out there is fighting a battle please message me and maybe we can help eachother through it. --Milo
Didn't eat enough today or yesterday. Am hungry but don't want to eat. So I just lay down in a constant state of weakness, either awake or alseep. Nothing sounds good, tastes good, is good for me, is not allergic, [fill in the blank with any of my lame excuses here]. Plain and simply, it's more of an outright refusal to eat. Why do I do this?
At least this is progress... I am aknowledging that my hunger exists and I can feel it for a change. I realize that the hunger is trying to tell me that my body needs to eat. Plus, I have been eating at least 1000 calories a day lately, which is improvement.
But, many times I don't listen to what the hunger means and instead, that hunger sensation in my stomach is more of a comforting feeling. It is a comfort because for so many years that hunger feeling reminds me of my emotional pain. Or maybe it takes my mind off of my emotional pain. Either way, the physical pain feels good.
Damn, did I just say that? Wow. Okay, cool, so this must be progress too. Why does the physical pain feel good? Because depriving myself of nourishment represents my deprived soul. It makes whatever emotions become real, or visible, or noticed. By me and others. It says, hey I'm here and I hurt! Someone listen to me! Help me!
Woa, my fingers just keep typing away here. Why does restricting food represent my emotional pain? Because I don't deserve to be loved, I don't matter, and I don't deserve to feel good. It is a way to deny pleasure to myself, deny happiness. It is a form of self-destruction. Maybe like any other negative addiction.
So, this thought process has helped make some more progress here. I need to learn to love myself, which will lead to feeding myself. That seems right because on days that I do eat more, I like myself better. Those are the days that my therapist's rule works for me: FOOD IS FUEL. But, on other days, when I hate myself, it doesn't work.
Why do I hate myself so much? I don't know. Because... because... let me ponder on that for a while.
At least this is progress... I am aknowledging that my hunger exists and I can feel it for a change. I realize that the hunger is trying to tell me that my body needs to eat. Plus, I have been eating at least 1000 calories a day lately, which is improvement.
But, many times I don't listen to what the hunger means and instead, that hunger sensation in my stomach is more of a comforting feeling. It is a comfort because for so many years that hunger feeling reminds me of my emotional pain. Or maybe it takes my mind off of my emotional pain. Either way, the physical pain feels good.
Damn, did I just say that? Wow. Okay, cool, so this must be progress too. Why does the physical pain feel good? Because depriving myself of nourishment represents my deprived soul. It makes whatever emotions become real, or visible, or noticed. By me and others. It says, hey I'm here and I hurt! Someone listen to me! Help me!
Woa, my fingers just keep typing away here. Why does restricting food represent my emotional pain? Because I don't deserve to be loved, I don't matter, and I don't deserve to feel good. It is a way to deny pleasure to myself, deny happiness. It is a form of self-destruction. Maybe like any other negative addiction.
So, this thought process has helped make some more progress here. I need to learn to love myself, which will lead to feeding myself. That seems right because on days that I do eat more, I like myself better. Those are the days that my therapist's rule works for me: FOOD IS FUEL. But, on other days, when I hate myself, it doesn't work.
Why do I hate myself so much? I don't know. Because... because... let me ponder on that for a while.
Comments
Take meds so I can function in a lifestyle that I don't like? Isn't depression when things aren't going right in your life, aren't going the way that nourishes your soul, so your mind and body rebel? Maybe a marriage or a job that isn't in sync with your true self. So, why take meds to make me ignore it and carry on longer in situations that don't suit me. Or is depression on a deeper level? Not due to external factors but internal ones. Anyone have any thoughts?
Comments
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I think that if you have been depressed since 7th grade, that meds should be part of your medical therapy. You eating disorder can contribute to your depression, and vica versa, so I think you should try to feel better with medication, then you will have the chance to make right the things that you want to change in your life. Depression may get in the way of that, and I hope that no matter what, you find the answer that will make you feel better. HUGS....
Past Entries
| February 2007 |
Monday, 2/05
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I know what you mean about comfort pain only for me its just depression. I think there was a similar thread recently. Anyway, your journal entry got me thinking about why its like that. I really hate myself too. I often feel like cryin "help me" to someone, but I dont do it.
I read your other entry too. I can relate to crying on the floor and feeling stupid about it. Im not only an adult, but guys aint suppose to cry like that. I havent told anyone, but Ive been crying almost every night for the past month.
I do computer programming for a living too. I struggle with insomnia and concentration problems. I dont have a real eating disorder but people say Im too skinny. Loss of appetite is common with depression.
I had a counselor once who was big on nutrition. She believes a lot of depression is caused by unhealthy diets.
Anyway, I should get back to studying for a test tomorrow (Im part-time student) and hopefully sleep a few hours. It felt good to see someone sent me a hug, so thank you much! Talk to you later! :)
L05er
Hi, so how long did you last after you got off the meds before you started to get depressed again? I think I've decided to try going without the meds. I know too many people who have had bad experiences with them. You know what? It is okay to cry. It is human. I mean, this book I read (Finding your Own North Star) says that your emotions are the equivalent to your immune system. Just like your body fighting off a cold, your emotions fight off unhappiness. I don't know if this makes any sense when I explain it. All I'm saying is that your crying may mean that your are trying to fight off something that might be wrong in your life... I encourage you to keep crying. For however many more days it takes. I'm starting to believe unhappiness is due to fear/anger. (I mean outside of people who have experienced terrible trauma or grief.) Like, when I think about why I am unhappy it is because things aren't going my way in life and I am angry about it because I fear making the neccessary changes to fix it. So instead I sit here with my hands tied and that is why my soul crys. Then there are thoughts that, hey my life isn't as bad as others, so who am I to want to toss it out and reach for something better? So many people would give anything to have my life, except me. And I think how ungrateful I am, and can't I just stick it out and make it work?
I'm here for you, you are not alone. Thanks for the hug back. :) Take care.
milo90