robertbm's Journal

trapped

Friday, April 18, 2008 | A Frustrating story

i have never shared this thought/feeling with anyone. let me start by saying i know i'm immensley lucky to have survived and i am very thankful. but, sometimes i have an overwhelming feeling of being trapped. i get this feeling because i'm in a body that is almost entirely bereft of any real quality. this is going to sound narcissistic, but its true, my mind is still as lucid as a MENSA level person. i had so much potential to do great things i believe, in college i always claimed i'd in time become the sec. of educ. in the cabinet. cognitively i can still do anything, my body just keeps me from thriving, also when i try to push my body it answers back with a seizure, uugghh. i just thought this life had great things in store for me, i guess it still might.

i know i will miss out on many things in my life because of my injuries and things regarding the injury. for example i cant get real job, not because my injury but because if i make too much money i lose some of my insurance, uugghh. these things r least of my worries though. i'm more worried bout things like not ever getting opportunity to have wife/family. because i know i can still love someone immensely, but also i dont wanna end up in an institution after my parents pass, if i'm married at least i'll have my wife. as far as kids i'm torn, give me your opinions, is it responsible for a man as physically inept as i to have kid(s) given i wont be able to help wife as much as i'd like. throw your opinions at me if u read ty

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Comments

Finding meaning and purpose in life is difficult, I am still trying to find it myself. There is only so much you can plan for. I have tried to plan my life for 3, 5, 10 years out, unfortunatly it is impossible to do. Yes, goals are good, but you never know what life is going to throw your way (As I'm sure you already know:(). Deciding to have a baby is between two people, they should be the ones deciding to bring a child into the world.

PotterGirl
I can't say what to do or how to plan, but I try to look at the "glass being half full" and have grand mal and petit mal seizures.. I've been married for almost 20yrs and have 2 teenage sons who help me deal with the seizures as best as possible. Sometimes they add to the problems and sometimes they are the "cure" of some of mine. My older son has gone with me to the ER on one occasion when my husband was at work. My younger son called 911 for me and provided them with the needed information for directions, etc.

lorianne39
let me just say this you have a fully functioning brain and with that you can accomplish miracles. We all have things that hold us back from doing what we want in some ways. I quit college to be a husband and a father, that was my excuse, I could have finished school, I chose not to. You can be the sec. of education if you choose to you can be a father if you choose to. Although I don't know you all that well, I must say you have one key element that is completely necessary with anything you pursue you are honest with yourself, that is a quality that is rare these days

tossedaside
Oh honey though I can not say I understand what you are going through, I can say you have the potential to do whatever you choose. The road to your goals maybe a hard one, but there is still a path for you. We never know our true purpose here, but follow your heart. There may be special plans for you, you may be one who changes education forever. I quit college due to many issues and challenges, and now have picked it right back up to pursue my dream. We can not see the future. I think you need to do whatever your dream is. This injury you may feel is a burden but just maybe the footprint you leave on education. As far as a relationship, we have no real control in falling in love. If it is supposed to happen it will, and you two can decide together what you want. I know it is hard but to wonder these things, just don't let them drive you crazy. Focus on your goals, and be great, I know you are.

cometdoc
hun. Have you ever thought maybe your purpose in life, may not be what you always expected? I mean for instance, you may not ever get to your goal of sec. of educaton, (then again nothing really is stopping you) but you can still enhance the lives of others. You have enhanced mine immensely.

As for a wife and family, do not lose faith there is a Ms. Right out there for you. With Ms. Right will come the children. :)

fallengoddess
To me, the quality of a human being is what's in their heart. It's not about their career status, what they drive or where they live. Love supercedes everything. I believe when you truly fall in love with someone, you love that person for who they are and what's in their heart. And when that happens, it doesn't matter if the person has limitations. People adapt - and they make it work. Everyone (injured or not) has limitations. I have a twin brother and an older sister who are perfectly healthy; yet, they cannot put themselves out there and be there for me at a time like this when they know I cannot drive and I have medical appointments. I have to look at that as their limitations. I sense your determination. That being said, don't ever give up on your dreams. The best is yet to come :-)

JuneyB
You know? Sometimes I say to myself that I wish I had died in the accident
we were in because of all the pain I put with because it seemed that everyone hated me anyway because I was being bullied at school, bullied at home by my sister, bullied by some of her friends, bullied on the school bus, and and ignored most of the time by my parents, who had other pressing issues going on that I can understand now. I was so lonesome for a group of friends or even one friend that actually was nice to me that I would call our own phone number, hang it up, and have it ring & I'd pretend that I was talking to my best friend on the other end. All I really had were bullies bullying me around and "walking all over me" like an old carpet.

StephP
Just because you have a disability doesn't mean it's irresponsible to have children. You are still able to love them.

joylei