Brenda9's Journal

Was feeling okay this morning.  Good in fact.  Not anymore.  I feel like crap again.  The chest pains, the panic, the dizziness... the excessive worry about the future.

I have a feeling my hubby has something planned for Mother's Day for me this weekend, because he forgot my birthday.  The only problem is, I don't feel well enough now to enjoy it.  I think he's going to want to take me out to dinner, and I just don't know if I will be able to go.  I highly doubt it.

Boy oh boy, the lie I've become entangled in... remember how my hubby thinks I'm taking the pills that I'm not?  Well, each and every day, I take a pill out of the bottle and drop it into the bottom of my purse.  I don't take them.  The thing is, he's not stupid.  He believes I'm taking them, but he also knows that a prescription runs out.  He knows that each time, I get a month's worth written to me on the prescription.  The first time, we could only afford to get two weeks worth.  The next time, his Dad took me to get the other half.  THEN, I would have been out of pills, and so to cover my lie, I told him that I made an appointment to see my doctor, got another prescription and had my friend take me to the appointment and to the pharmacy.  Again, I only got 2 weeks worth (so I told him - actually, what I did was take 2 weeks worth of pills out of the bottom of my purse and put them back into the empty bottle).  I almost got caught on that one - because he wanted to know why no money had been taken out of the bank to pay for the pills... it's sad how easily I am able to lie to him... I am ashamed about it... but, I quickly told him that "oh yeah, Carol paid for them, and I have to pay her back".  So, the next time I went to the bank, I took out $40 and just tucked it away.  Carols's husband runs a vaccuum repair shop in town, and we needed vaccuum bags, so that same day that I went to the bank, I went to get the bags, and then told my hubby that I gave Carol's husband the $40 to give to Carol while I was there.  By the skin of my teeth - I dodged that bullet.  However, I have once again run out of pills.  The next time I ran out of pills (he would know there should still be 2 weeks worth at the pharmacy), I took a chance and asked my father-in-law to stop at the pharmacy when he drove me home from my therapist appointment... luckily, he didn't want to come in.  I went inside, and bought some hair dye and some chocolate, and came out with a bag sticking out of my big purse, so that he would think I got the pills.

Now, here I am... no pills again.  My hubby says to me yesterday, "I'll be home early tomorrow, so I'll come get you and we can pick up your prescription."  What could I say?  There would be no reason for me not to accept his offer.  And he will definitely come in with me and even stand at the pharmacy counter with me.  SO, what I did was, I called the Pharmacy to ask if there were any pills left on my prescription - they said that yes there were 2 pills.  I thought well, I could easily say to my husband that I called in using the automated phone system to re-fill my order, but was unaware that I was down to only two pills... when we go get them, I can act surprised and say, "Well, I guess I have to make an appointment with my doctor."  Hubby would buy that.  BUT, while still on the phone with me, the pharmacist asked me if I needed to see my doctor again, or if she would be willing to call it in.  I said I wasn't sure, but I would check with my doctor.  SO, I called my Doctor right after I hung up with the pharmacy.  She knows that I'm not taking the pills - her I've been honest with.  Until today.  I told her that I had thrown the pills away, but that I should have kept the pills because I've decided I want to try again, so I need another prescription, but that I'm not feeling well and could she phone it into the pharmacy?  She said she would do that, but that she also wanted to see me on Friday.  So, I made the appointment.  Now, you see... when my hubby comes home, I'll say, "I'll check with the Pharmacy to make sure the prescription is ready."  Then I'll call, and find out, and if it is, we'll go get it, and if it isn't, we'll wait - but it will be "proof" to him that I have pills there still, and we can actually go and get them when they're ready.

I had no idea I could be so devious.  But, this is bound to catch up with me.  I mean... what happens in a month when I "run out of pills again"?  I'll have to come up with another lie for my hubby, or continue to lie to my doctor.  I don't want to lie to my doctor - I want her to know exactly what she's dealing with.  See, with her, I can easily say that once again, I just couldn't bring myself to take the pills.  But... then I can't get more prescriptions to cover my lie with my husband.  I can't just tell him that his Dad is taking me to the pharmacy to pick them up, because it may come up between them... he may say, while visiting his Dad, "Did Brenda remember to get her prescription?"  And Dad say, "No... well, I didn't take her there... I don't know."  Then, if I later tell my husband that his Dad did take me, and he already knows that he didn't..... OMG.  Caught in the act!  And, I can't keep asking Dad to drop in there, and expect that he's not going to come inside each time... the first time he took me to the pharmacy he came inside to pick up something for himself.  If he comes in again, and I don't go to the pharmacy counter... he'll know.  Again - caught in the act!

I know you must all think I'm mad... that I should just fess up and tell my husband what's going on.  But now... the lies I've told, the incredible acting I've done... he talks about how he can see the pills having an effect on me, and I agree with him.  We discuss how, certain things I'm feeling could be side effects.  I told him, when I was having a small panic attack, that the pills only seem to work to lessen, and not take away the anxiety.  So therefore, I still get mild panic.  He hasn't seen me have a bad panic attack since I pretended to start taking the pills.  He knows I had a bad one at the therapist's office, but figures it was because I had been so upset and depressed (depression he thinks is a side effect from the pills), and that the therapist brought up stuff that upset me further.  The pills aren't infallible.

I'm going to Hell, is where I'm going.  How can God forgive me for this web of lies?