MargoCadmus's Journal

Well, I am going to make this short because I don't want to start crying just yet.  Today is 10 weeks, and I find that I am crying less and feeling guilty about it.  I am so busy during the week with work, kids, baseball, softball, etc., that I don't stop and realize what has happened.  But, when I do, I do into my hysterical mode and my heart aches just like it was 10 weeks ago. 

I still think to myself during the day, "oh, I have to call mom" or "I have to tell mom about that"  That's when I stop and think......  For the first time this week, I did that and was remembering her saying that she was scared, the last thing she said and I started to cry at my desk.  It breaks my heart to know how scared she must have been, not knowing what was waiting for her, if anything. I keep asking for a sign from her, but I am not getting anything.  

I tried to prepare myself for so long because I knew what the outcome of her disease was going to be, but no matter how much I tried to prepare and think I would be able to handle it, I was so wrong.  Nothing can ever prepare you for losing your mom, best friend, beautiful person who always took care of everyone but herself.  She was the most selfless person on the planet and she did not deserve this. 

I still feel like this is a dream and that she is just away with my dad on one of their RV trips they used to take, except she is never coming back.  I just don't know how I am going to live the rest of my life without her.

She loved her grandkids so much, and waited so long for me to give them to her, 5-1/2 yrs to be exact.  I wish I could have given the to her sooner so she could have had more  time with them.  They were the joy of her life.  It's just not fair.  She loved them so much, she needed more time with them.  Her face always lit up when they came running in her house to her for hugs and kisses.  She would always say, "who's coming in my house?"  They loved that...

I have to go now since I am now crying...... again.  But that's OK, I guess it's good to let it out. 

I am so lucky I have a good family that loves and supports me. Without them, I don't know what I would do.

Thanks for listening.

Margo