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Well, today is two months since my mom has passed. It seems forever ago since Jan. 27, 2008, but then again, it seems like yesterday. I just can't get those final moments out of my head and wonder if I could have done something more to make her feel more comfortable. I gave her as many meds as the hospice nurse said was allowed. I am sure I have gone over all of this before, but it keeps running in my head like a movie. Exactly what I did, my dad did, how mom was acting...... I would give anyhing to talk to her one more time and give her a hug and a kiss.
I still just can't believe it. I try not to think about it, but when I do, and I say to myself, "my mom died" I am still in shock and have an overhwleming feeling of disbeief. My dad's birthday is today. He is up in Seattle watching my nephew while my sister, her husband and his family go on a cruise around Hawaii. So, this is the first birthday that my family has not been together. I have an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I just hope I can keep it together until the day is over so I am not crying at my desk.
I still feel like calling her everyday to talk to her. I am very angry, upset, empty, sad, lonely and very pissed off.
I have to say that working is a good distraction for me, but when I used to work, I would call mom during the day and see how she was doing, and/or tell her about my day. Once I get home and realize that mom is truly not here anymore I just can't believe it. I just can't describe it. I am sure that most of you reading this will understand.
I had better go. If I type anymore I will start crying..... again.
Margo
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I understand how you feel. My husband's last breath is etched in my mind forever. Yoi must believe though that you did all you could. Sometimes we just feel so helpless. My husband would also call me several times a day and the phone is so quiet, I even changed to a plan with less minutes, that really hit me hard. It's been 8 months since his death and there are days when I still cannot believe what happened. I will tell you though that threre are FEWER days now. I walk around the house now and talk to him. I pray that he can hear me. The birthdays, holidays are all different now, but I hope that for you and I there will come a day when we are going to be able to smile at our loved ones memories. Remember what they taught us in life and be able to go on with that in our hearts. I heard a song the other day and it said that I will always carry a part of you with me, so wherever I am there you will be. I do find that somewhat comforting and I hope it is for you. She is always in your heart and what a great place to be....
alicea
Margo,
yes we understand. My mum passed two weeks before your dear mum and I can say , like alicea, that the sad days fet further and further apart. I can now go for a week or so. But then it hits like a tonne of bricks! This is going to go on forever I think.
We all love our mums dearly and noone can ever replace her. NEVER NEVER NEVER!
I hope your dads birthday was good for him. I guess he would enjoy being with his grandson.
Take care and I am glad that you are enjoying your job!
Sam
jeansbaby
Hi Margo,
I'm sorry you are feeling badly. The month anniversaries are very hard. I am sure that you did everything that you could to help your Mom. The what ifs are something that I think we all think about. Holidays and birthdays are not the same anymore. Instead of looking forward to them, I usually dread them because I know my Mom won't be here with us. I am glad that your job is working out for you. I hope that your Dad has a nice birthday. It is probably good for him to be busy watching his grandson. I know what you mean about calling your Mom up. I still feel the same way. Even though I am very close to my Dad, I felt like I could talk to my Mother about more personal things and I don't have that anymore. She would always know just what to say to make me feel better. I hope that you will be doing better soon. Take care.
Trisha
missyoumom