LyndaJT's Journal

Ok I admit it. Claiming some people may think I don't love my daughter may have been a bit OTT (over the top). Yet I was only trying to make a point and that was that a lot of people seem to think I don't appreciate or value what I already have when in fact they couldn't be more wrong. I feel like I'm constantly having to prove my gratitude for my daughter and justify why I want another child. Why, oh why when child-bearing is the most natural thing in the world?

I guess my cage just really got rattled this week as I felt singled out when not just one, but two friends basically conveyed the same thing in two different emails. I just have to remember their comments did ultimately come from a good place.

Yesterday I met up with two MOTs and their children at a local cafe. It was a bit of a handful for the MOTs dealing with two kids in an area that wasn't fenced off. So I helped out here and there with the kids. It is always a relief when I can just dive in there and genuinely want to help out MOTs. It makes a nice change from feeling riddled with envy and resentment.

There are some changes/opportunities coming up in the wings. In two weeks time I'm doing my acrylic and oils evening art course. I have a new creative friend that I met at the gym and we've quite seriously talked about setting up a stall at a local market in late December. (it's an annual market). That gives me a couple of months to get some paintings together. My attitude is I've got nothing to lose. I just want to give it a go - and to have some fun doing it! Yes you heard - fun!!

I applied for a work-from-home position recently and the company was interested but didn't have any vacancies. Next month I am going in for a couple of tests - a spelling grammar test and a microsoft word test as they are now recruiting. The job involves transcribing from audio tapes. I'm just looking for something extra to do since my daughter will be moving on to morning Kindy at some point next year which equates to 5 x four hour mornings a week. I have a wee freelance job on the go at the moment too (graphic design). I'm just being reminded of my skills at this point and of possibilities/opportunities to utilise them.

I'm still trying to stick to one day at a time and to concentrate on God's will for me within every single day. If I can trust God in increments, then maybe I'll be able to trust Him in the bigger picture too.

From my blog Praying for another shot at motherhood.

I've simmered down a bit since yesterday. But still angry that some people continue to get it so wrong with SIF. Do I expect too much from others? Just a wee bit of understanding would really help but I just don't get that for the most part.

I do need to talk about it though. I have a very dear friend who is a generation older that I can connect with around a lot of subjects. She's been through some terrible heart-ache in her life - two of her adult children (out of six) have passed away over the last fifteen years or so. I had a bit of a chat with her yesterday and felt a lot lighter. I guess I've just been feeling so misunderstood and unheard for a while. Guess I just need to connect with the people I do get some support from a little more often.

I went to my antenatal class get-together yesterday. There were four of us in the end - two MOTs and two MOOs. One of the MOTs phoned me before we met up to see if I wanted to go for a walk beforehand. But I was in the midst of a SIF cry so declined. Turns out they all met beforehand and walked from her house to the cafe we were meeting at. Immediately I felt on the outside and it's just what being a SI is all about - feeling emotionally locked away and disconnected from most people we know.

In our antenatal class our babies arrived in succession there was some emotional connection in a new-Mum-doing-it-at-the-same-time-kind-of-a-way. But we've been meeting less over the years and our catch-ups are just that - catch-ups. I'm friends with the MOO and see her pretty much every week. She's in the loop re: my SIF. The MOTs heard a bit about my SIF in the beginning but didn't ask yesterday - didn't go near it and I wasn't about to bring it up. On one hand I was kind of relieved that I didn't have to expose myself. Yet it makes me feel so alone and isolated when I have something as big as SIF going on and no-one wants to poach the subject. Especially within a group of women I've known since becoming a mother.

I got home after the antenatal catch-up and phoned the health shop my former herbalist works at and have an appointment for next Wednesday! I also phoned the "healer lady" and left a message saying I was discontinuing the sessions. I want to keep things simple and financially we can only afford to pay for one treatment at a time. I'm really hoping that I'm on the right track now. The last time I saw the herbalist, around four years ago I had almost a two hour consultation as she delved right into my health history throughout my whole life and pieced past health complaints with ones in the present. Apparently she'll be doing similar this time at the initial consult. When I switch practitioners I always feel a little renewed and empowered that I have hopefully found someone who is able to tune into me.

I am feeling really disappointed and judged by the friends recently who've basically said that I am not grateful for what I have. They may as well have just come out with it - that they don't think I love my daughter. I'm furious at that underlying accusation!! I do love my daughter. So very, very much. I am still blown away that I am a Mum. I still see it as a miracle that she's here. I have lots of moments where I just look at her and think Is she really mine? I feel so blessed to be able to be a SAHM and to be able to spend so much time with her. If I didn't love her so much or value being a SAHM, do you think I'd want another child?

I know of Mums who stopped at one child (when they could have had another) for various reasons. Some found motherhood more stressful and tiring than they'd imagined. For some it was a financial decision. But they were very clear that they didn't want another child even though they loved their child very much.

Wanting to become a mother be it for the first, second, or third time isn't something any woman takes lightly. Of course she's thought about it and isn't acting on a whim. It's mostly a very powerful urge that any woman who has had the maternal tug can identify with. It's the most natural thing in the world to desire children. I just get pissed that my desire is sometimes treated as a ridiculous want. Why? Because the writing is on the wall that it's not going to happen? Well it's not over til God and I decide it's over. I'm listening to me and I'm listening to God. I cannot afford to take on other peoples judgements and negativity at this time. It goes back to that saying if you haven't got anything nice to say, then don't say it!

From my blog Praying for another shot at motherhood.

Where do I start? Seems this week has been quite the testing week. I just feel so hurt and angry in reaction to a few scenarios.

Two friends have emailed me recently after reading my blog. The thing is we have a family blog as well and there is a link to this blog on it. What often happens is I send out a link when our family blog is updated and sometimes friends and family read my blog then. So they are not regular readers - they will just read one or two posts, just getting a snippet of SIF. I know it's a risk having a blog. I know I get judged in good and bad ways. But when you are judged by friends it is particularly harsh.

Two friends this week have basically told me to just be grateful for what I have. This really, really stinks because I f**ken am. The whole point of this blog is to give me a place to vent and to share my SIF journey. We have a family blog for the lighter side of life. I am not just the person portrayed in this blog. Yes, being a SI affects me daily and does overshadow most of my life. But it is through this blog that I am attempting to live the best life I can given my circumstances.

I won't be emailing back these friends for a little bit. I need some time to get what was intended to be their well-meaning comments into perspective. If they were well-meaning though how come I ended up in tears after reading each of their emails?

The lack of empathy has to be the hardest part of living with SIF. The general consensus out there really is "You've got one f**ken child so just be grateful for what you have, and stop feeling sorry for yourself!" Grrrr!

I am very hurt and angry with my Dr too. She really hasn't gotten the fact I want to sort out my hormonal imbalance and hasn't tried very hard to move beyond the no-mans land she has me in. So I have been praying to my Higher Power to lead me to the next person who can help me sort things out. Seems my prayers have been answered as yesterday a newish friend popped round. She is just lovely, very open-minded and a bit younger. Anyway she had success with a herbalist in town who uses medicine as well as herbs who restores her own hormonal imbalance. I went to see this herbalist myself years ago before my daughter was conceived in relation to heavy periods that had me blacking out. (medically they were unable to resolve this for me ). She went overseas for a while so when I next needed a herbalist when TTC this time round I used someone else who didn't unfortunately help me.

However, I am inspired to use the former herbalist again and have made contact with her via email. I have also been researching hormonal imbalances on the Net and the writing is so on the wall that my low levels of progesterone are the reasons why I have all these menopausal symptoms. Although I have the progesterone cream I want to be under the guidance of someone who can track things with me instead of applying it on my own. My Dr only prescribed it to me because I said I'd heard of it.

Okay, I feel a wee bit better after writing this all out. I just have overall felt so misunderstood this week. It is just the worst feeling. I am catching up with some of the Mums from my antenatal class this morning. I organised it yet am anxious about seeing three MOTs all at once. There'll be one other MOO who is TTC. One of the Mums phoned me this week and I shared how it's hard work entertaining preschoolers when Kindy isn't on in the school holidays. She went on to share how it wasn't so bad in her household as she has two children quite close in age who play pretty well together. I'm actually finding it harder to deal with the MOTs whose second children are in the toddler stage/interactive stage with their older siblings.

For so long my daughter wasn't interested in babies but yesterday on a playdate with a MOT she said "Oh she's cute" about the baby I was holding. She's quite fascinated by babies now and finds them quite amusing. Anyway, better get ready for my antenatal get-together. I pray for serenity today. May have to say The Serenity Prayer a few times in the car on the way there!

By the way if any of my friends are reading this and are wondering how to support me - just encourage me and let me be where I'm at. I am not going to be struggling with SIF forever. But while I am, I need as many people as possible to be on my side. That means being open-minded and as accepting as possible about my angst. If someone had died you wouldn't tell them to snap out of it - you would let them grieve as long as they needed to. Well the same applies here. SIF is just one of those processes that takes time. No one likes to see a friend in pain. But sometimes that's exactly where they are meant to be.

From my blog Praying for another shot at motherhood.