Melanie35's Journal

Ma,

I have so much to tell you, and as usual I have no idea where to start. For one, where the hell are you?????? Your supposed to be here when I make decisions that screw up my life. This is harder than the time I lived in Alaska, remember you used to send us packages with peanutbutter M&M's because we couldn't get hem up there? and you used to aggrevate the hell out of me when you would call me at 5am my time (because you couldn't remember the time difference) to tell me how much tomatoes were a pound in Winne Dixie. You used to aggrevate the heck out of me with that lol! Remeber when I lived on Luquer Street when I first got married and you used to call me as to crack of dawn and I wouldn't answer the phone? you used to talk to my voice mail like it was an answering machine *Mel, pick up, tis is mom* hahaha I used to crack up when I listened to those messages.

Your lil Mel is doing good, she is driving now, can you belive it? just yesterday we were pushing her stroller around the Brooklyn botanical garden and she was calling you "me-maw", now she is driving me to get coffee. Wow I did good with her!

Gracie is well Gracie, she is so mad that you left her. She has been angry for almost 2 years straight, she wets the ned every night, she busts out crying all the time saying "I miss grandma", she sleeps with Bruno and tells Jamie how Bruno was "grandma's teddybear". I am terrified that she will never be the same. All I can do is hold her when she is crying, and I think about all the good things she will miss out on because your not here. Who will teach her to make peanutbutter eggs at Easter? you know I can't even get them right. Last Easter when I wanted to make the pickled eggs and red beets, I remembered you saying the last Easter you were here "Mel you better get over here and learn how to make these because I won't be here next Easter" Damn you for always being right.

Jamie is wonderful, just getting ready for public school, remember when Mel and Grace went for their first days? and you were there? God, Jamie won't ever know who you are and she won't ever have a me-maw of her own. She is something ma, she really is, just as willful as I ever wa, everything is her way or the highway. I should of know she would be like this from when she was just walking and would go into your room and turn off your oxygen machine, then run away laughing. That's a sign if there ever was one. She gives Lil Mel a run for her money, and Godbless Mel she tries so hard to fill the place in our hearts that have been empty since you left.

I wish you could of seen North Dakota, it was beautiful, right up until that snowplow hit me. How funny you would of thought it was for your Brooklyn girl to be living amongst the cows lol! God, one night I even pulled a dead and frozen colt accross a field, yeah, I know, funny for me,the girl who cries if she breaks a nail. I got one hell of an education up there mom, and I made you secret cheesecake in the resturaunt, it was a huge hit!! I never did get your potato salad right, but then you never would show me the right way to make it, remember you had me sitting at the table showing me?? how many times did you *show* me and it was never exactly like yours??? Damn you for not showing me how to be you, and for not sharing your receipes with me, how in the hell am I supposed to show the girls??? There is no legacy to give them, because I don't even know who you were, I never knew, and now I have more questions than answers. What will I tell the girls when they are older and ask me about you?

I could lie and tell them you were the most wonderful mother on the planet, but the truth is you kinda sucked as a mother, you were the best grandmom, but as a mother, well you were no June Cleaver.

I still wear your Jim Beam t-shirts, and that's still my signature drink. I still have your nightgowns that were in your laundry basket when you died, yeah, I know ma *gross* but they smell like you. I used to smell them all the time, I don't anymore but I don't know what to do with them.

I also wanted to tell you sorry about Fred. The night you were dying, Jim let him out your door because he was very "antsy" and about two hours later he realized that he had never brought him back in, the next morning, Tony called to tell me that Fred was by the funeral parlor up on Courtney, he had been hit by a car. Jim went up and got him, and brought him back to the house. I buried him in the nightgown you died in, in the rose garden in the front of the house. I was so glad you died before he did, so you didn't have to know what happened to him. But see, you kept saying Fred thought he was my dog, in the end he showed you, he didn't want you to go without him, just like the twlight zone ma!

So I left Jim, I got tired of him hitting me and in the end when he wouldn't work, I came to my sense and left. I can still hear you saying "he is going to kill you one day Mel". I don't know why it took me so long, but I am glad I finally did it. I havn't talked to Josh since the day you died, I heard he was in jail in Pa, for something that happened around Wilkes-Barre. He called the day you died, he thought you had left him money, and he wanted to drive down and see you, but I wouldn't let him, I told him "you've been telling people your mother was dead for 10 years, and you didn't talk to her when she was alive why do you want to see her now"? in the end I won, and he didn't come down.

Ma, it scares the hell out of me to think I am the last of your bloodline, the last of the family. when I was little you used to tell me and Josh when we fought that all we had was eachother, and now I don't have that at all.

Why didn't you tell me how sick you were??? Why did you always try to shield me from things? If I had known, if you had been honest, there were so many things I would of wanted to say to you.

That morning I found you in bed, and I got in with you and held you, that was the closet we have been since I was a child, all the damn years we spent arguing and not talking, and being angry with eachother, and now your gone, and there is no turning back. Why the hell didn't you tell me ma? I had a ight to know and so did the girls, we deserved the chance to say good-bye. I know you were very private and thats how you lived your life, but that was selfish way to die. Now I am stuck in denial for almost 2 years, and I have no idea what to do with all this pain. I keep telling myself the same thing you used to tell me when life got tough "your a toughie Mel" and I know you thought I could get thru anything, because you made me that tough, but this is something I can't get through, or over, or under, or around.

Ma, I hope you know that in my own way, I loved you, you were my best friend, and I HATE that I never got to tell you that, I HATE that you raised me to be so hard-hearted, that I couldn't tell you that.  Well your plan to make me tough back-fired ma, cause' for almost 2 years, there has been no wind in my sails, no bounce in my step, I feel like I could walk accross the country. The only joy I get now is from the kids, and even that is a doyble edged sword, because I think of all they will miss out on without you.

Boy, was I a rotten kid, and lord knows we had some tuff times in our relationship, and I wouldn't change anything, and I would like to think I wouldn't of acted any differently had I known you were going to die.

I hope all that stuff that you taught me is true, I hope that you are *here* and are aware of whats going on, I hope your able to watch over us.

I hope the memorial service was okay, Lil Mel insisted she sing for you, I know I shouldn't of let her, because it was too hard, but she insisted.  She seems to be okay with losing you, but back behind those big brown eyes, I see her broken heart, to her, you were and always will be the best thing since sliced bread. God you were a good grandmom, and I hope it will be many years before I get the chance to be one! haha

Can you see all this grey hair I got now? Grey at 35 WOW why couldn't I get your long legs? why did I have to get your premature greying? I can finally say to you what you always said to me "you gave me these greys".

When my son died, I remember you saying "Mel my heart aches for you", well now ma, my heart aches for you, for all the silly little quirks we had in common, for that morning cup of coffee, for the times I had to call you to get dead lizards, for the days we shopped at the south street seaport, for a glimpse of you going to work in your nurses cap, for those 2 fingers of Jim Beam we enjoyed together, for the laughs and the heartaches we shared. You really were my best friend ma, you were the one phone call I could make that could fix everything. Now I am the adult, now I am the person on the other end of the phone trying to make things okay. Maybe it was time for me to grow up, maybe I needed to start living without you as a crutch, who knows why you had to go.

I imagine by now you have found out lots of "unknowns" so tell me ma, is there a God? did you find my son when you got up there? are you being his heavenly me-ma? did you even make it to heaven? (I bet you did) is Uncle Ben up there and Aunt Mary? did you find your mom & dad? and all the patients you took care of? and Tasha and Fred and Silky? was Fred there at the gate? was it like the episode of the twilight zone we used to watch with the guy and his dog? Lord I bet you are itching to talk to me, just so you can tell me about how badly I screwed up my life since you died, and as usual, I will disagree and tell you "I have things under control ma".

I'll tell you what, I never thought anything could stop me on a dime, not with all the crap I have lived through, but damn if losing you didn't stop me on a dime, the only thing in life that really could.

I hope you knew how much I loved you, I hope you could hear me that night when I held you and whispered in your ear, I really hope you understood me, I can still feel your head on my shoulder sometimes, that was so hard that night when you were on the side of the bed. God that was the hardest thing I ever did, and I tried to press my heart up against yours when I was kneeling in front of you, trying to do to you what I do to the girls, make your heart feel my heart, I hope it did ma.  I never ever thought I would hold you in your final hours, I never thought I would be able to, I never thought I would see my mother, superwoman, like that. You were so beautiful that morning I found you, when I took that stupid oxygen tube off your nose, you looked so good ma, and there was Bruno, right there next to you. HAHA remember the time you lost him and you went crazy????? remember we used to argue about him being cremated with you? and I wanted one of the girls to have him?? They all take turns sleeping with him, and he has been getting around, he has travelled all over.

In case I never told you enough, or in case I wasn't crystal clear, I love you mom, always have, always will, and I know you had to go, and I know why you hung on as long as you did.

You were right "this is a toughie baby".

If there is a heaven, I bet your sitting on a cruise ship, having dinner, 2 fingers of Jim with a little water and 2 cubes of ice, Fred sitting at your feet, and Franky Baby Sinatra performing. 

I'll see you when I get there, save me a seat.