Join Now
Bad day. Hurting all over and it is my son's birthday. Mentally I am not in control of myself. I can't write about it right now but its related to Kelly's suicide and the fact that he wasted a healthy body and I am stuck in this broken one. Passed blood this morning. Hope that will not be a trend.
I'm ok but you might not see me writing for a day or so. If not do not worry. I just need to figure out what I am thinking. then again I might be posting every five minutes. I'm just going to do whatever it takes to keep up the facade of being happy and pain free for my sons birthday.
Its not the being sick. Its the suicide thing. When someone you love (d) kills themselves it is a gift that keeps on giving because you keep reliving the act through each new phase of your life. I do not want or need to have to deal with any new insites I have gained into his actions. The fool blew his brains out and nearly ruined my life and my kids lives. I buried him and I want him and his stupid act to say safely in his grave not here in the life I have to live now.
Right now I HATE him.
Comments
OMG OMG OMG... we have company coming.
I've got this really weird thing about people seeing my house a mess and my son invited his friends over tomorrow. OK, its Jeff's birthday and that's cool but the house is not as clean as I would like. It's not actually dirty. The boys and Colin clean when I can't. Its just the ghost of my Granny Minnie haunting me at the moment. She has her white gloves on checking the underside of the range for greese and looking at that little rim of dirt at the edge of the cabinets that never come up unless you get down on your hands and knees when you do the floor. Yeah, talk about picking weird ways to remember dead relatives but we've all got our hangups. Lord save me from myself.
Ray and Kelly are wonderful people. I love their kids. Its just they are my age and Kelly is the perfict southern female. You know... the woman you always wished you could be. She has such grace and personal dignity. She never cusses even when she is mad as a wet hen. Her hair is perfect even if she has been cleaning the barn. And Ray well he is the local vetranarian which in country speak is slightly better than being mayor. LOL Oh, and their kids really are perfect. I don't mean they think their kids are perect... they really ARE!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Seriously they are good down to earth people and I like them. It just this weird house cleaning hangup I have. My Granny really too southern hospitality seriously.
Why in the good Lord's name can't my kids have NORMAL friends. You know the type... I want to feel like I could leave a dead cat on the table and they wouldn't notice... I want them to be inviting someone over whose hair covers their nose like a sheep dog so I they can't see anything... I want them to invite someone over whose mother is ashamed they went out of the house that way... Where are the standard, sterotypical teenagers when I need them.
Now if they invite over the other "best friend" all will be complete... He is in his mid 30s and works as a bouncer in a bar after his day job. Again... a great guy despite my initial reaction to the bouncer thing. Its just I want sloppy messy kids coming over so I can relax and not care if i have dusted. And this ones wife also can win a super mom contest. At least she doesn't look like a model like the other one but still intimidating during midflare status. Argh! Can anyone find me somebody with too many piercing and a hair cut that they will be embarrassed by in 10 years?
This is what I get for encouraging them to hang out at the do jang. Seriously, I am stressed over this because there is no way to live up to that silly outdate standard I was raised with. their friends are great and I do love these people for being such positive influences in my sons lives. Not to mention the fact that they are great employers who work around my sons scheduals. Or even the fact that on the days Jeff teaches Tae Kwon Do, Ray treats him with respect even though the kid is just a kid. That does a lot for a 17 year olds ego. It makes him feel so proud and that goes a long way towards making up for the lousy father I gave him.
OK on the bright side they like my kids and will judge me by them not my dust bunnies.
And on the even brighter side I have now as of 6pm peed 12 times. As I've only drank 2 cups of liquid today that is a good sign. Maybe i will have my chin back by the time they get here or at least only look like i have multiple ones. LOL Think I can get the beautiful wife of my guest to put a bag over her face so i will feel less frumpy. Don't care if people see me looking icky... but I don't want to look at beautiful people until I can walk past the mirror without cringing.
Comments
-
You'll do fine with your company. They sound like very nice people and will by no means be paying attention to the dust bunnies under your furniture. Have fun visiting with them and just relax and enjoy the company...:)
-
well you know what they say -- they're coming to see people, not the house, right? hopefully they'll see what's important, kind and loving people...
Well, its 2:30 and I'm here finally. Poor journal, you probably feel deserted.
Lets see what have I done today. I went to the store and answered messages. The messages were a really uplifting thing and put a smile on my face. The store wasn't so great. I ran into the choir director there. Now Elaine is a dear but she inadvertently made me feel bad because I wasn't in church this morning. the comment was meant "You don't get out much anymore." as in sympathy my for not getting to do the things i used to do. But it came across as a question about why I was at the store when I was too sick to go to church. Its not her fault she is reaching the age where occasionally things come out differently than she intended. I think it was more about my own guilty concience. But I really wouldn't have made it through church. I was shaky by the time we had picked the card out and almost had to go sit down while Colin was checking out because I felt like I was going to fall.
Realistically, i need to accept that i will not be going to church in Feb. I am sure God understands and to be honest my falls and fainting just detract from other people's ability to worship. God knows I am here and I know he is here with me so that makes my home a church. Besides I have actually been doing some great bible study in my spare time.
Symptoms today seem to be the same. I still look like the pillsbury dough boy in drag but I am not as plump as I was the other day. I see this as a good thing. The cyclic nature would lead on to believe that this is a flare related kidney issue vs something like kidney damage. Itching is better except for my feet and lower legs. They also still have that funny numb sensation but it is not as bad today. My legs are weak and it is hard to stand a long time. and the back ache is still there. Lots of jaw pain from the TMJ and I keep forgetting to write that down. I think it is related to the fibro but it is still worth noting. My side is hurting and I am having digestive troubles. i'm down to 10mg prednisone and the bowel movements are loose and very light in color. they are also running my life because there is no waiting to get around to having one. I feel like a 3 year old. "I have to go potty NOW!!!" A little dignity please. LOL On the bright side that awful headache has calmed down. The joint pain is an issue as is the muscle pain.
Back when I was a girl we played D&D. You know the old role playing game. We played so much that we came up with SOP... standard opperating proceedure... to save time doing routine things. When faced with a boring taske we would say I SOP the door and the DM would know what we meant. I feel like I need SOF... standard operating failures... to list off my symptoms. The pattern is pretty obvious at this point. Might go to "all the usual stuff" plus whatever is new if things don't vary soon.
I'll make the rest of the lasagna tonight and help James figure out what to pour with the candles. Might label and box a few if i feel super energetic. If not I will work on being really well read. I tried to do embroidery the other day but my fingers hurt too much to enjoy it. and with the headache it is hard to look at the cloth after a while.
Thats it for today other than I am feeling pretty upbeat.
Comments
-
I thought it was very insightful of you to look past the choir director's statement. You're right, she had no malicious intent in the statement. If anything, the statement was made out of sincere concern for you and that she missed you.
Sometimes it can be a challenge to go to our places of worship because of our health situations. I had to leave early from my religious meeting today because my muscles were just killing me (self-inflicted pain from a brutal workout of the upper body yesterday). I think whatever exertion we put on ourselves, we pay for it more intensely than a normal, healthy person.
I admire your positive attitude when it comes to worship. Many people seem to give up on worship if they find they cannot go a place of worship, but you're right, God understands our circumstances and there's a scripture that tells us that God will strengthen us spiritually even though physically we're wasting away (2 Corinthians 4:16). I find comfort in that since God really is interested in us and will make a way for us to endure our adversities.
-
I have been a church goer all of my life. I come across people that ask me why I haven't been in church also. I believe that God knows the heart of man and he knows exactly where to meet you, even if it means in your own home in private. I love the Lord and he is everything to me. I can't do anything without him.
Well, on the other hand what does the statement ppl make sometimes when they say "I am my brothers keeper." I have a lot to learn.
Anyway, I hope that you are feeling a lot better. I can relate to going to church and feeling like crap. It isn't easy. So days I push myself to get out and get to church. I have a serious problem sometimes with the frequency of going to the BR. Mainly because of the prednisone. It makes your muscles week in more than just one area. The Dr's told me that one. Talk to you again soon, be blessed.
-
Been there on the bathroom issue. Its the main hang up really. Without the prednisone I don't go out unless I am wearing a diaper. In Mass there are times you are not supposed to get up and leave and inevitably that is when disaster strikes. At 40 I am both too young and too old for that kind of situation to be at all socially acceptable. :(
I try to assume the best of people and unless they say something increadibly stupid I try to think it is my mood more than what they said. Just think how many really dumb things I have said over the years and I still don't know about them. LOL As for the ones who say something bad on purpose. They must really be hurting inside to be so cruel and judgmental. God is the only one who has the right to judge and it is best left to him as the rest of us really have no idea what is going on in other people's lives. OK that sounds good but occasionally I want to kick them in the shins. ;)
Past Entries
I have not even thought about it that way, but I agree....I've had several people in my life committ suicide and although they have flawed mentality and suffer their own kind of pain, they have perfectly healthy body.
KAnne1989
I hope I didn't make you think of bad thoughts by posting about it. Its just I'm feeling pretty depressed myself today and I won't let myself give in to any negative urges I have. The only way I can fight them is to hate Kelly. I love my sons and husband too much to give in to the pain and depression. There are just days this feels like torture. Every joint in my arms and hands are killing me and the same for my rt leg. My back hurts and keep trying to throwup but it hurts too bad. I look like the goodyear blimp and feel like roadkill in july. My head is throbbing and I can't hardly turn my neck. I'm passing blood again. And I itch all over and have pins and needles in my legs. Oh yeah, my side hurts like crazy. In short the same stuff I have lived with for 6 years while I worked and took care of him and my kids. I just figure lupus causes depression too so why can't he have had the guts to fight it if I can when I have all this crap going on too.
I called the doctor and he said he was afraid to give me anything for the swelling or nausea. I told him not to offer pain meds they mess up my mega colon and diverticulitis too much. He said he didn't think they were a good idea anyway. So I basically have to live with it. He said the ER really couldn't do much for me.
Kelly could wake up in the morning and feel well. Yes life can be hard but I think he had to be feeling better than I am because I not only feel depressed I am sick to the point it is hard to stand because I keep getting dizzy and my knees keep buckling. If I hadn't pushed so hard taking care of him and made my own health worse I would not be so mad.
But I just keep thinking everyone did everything they could to help him and he just didn't want to fight to hold it together
It just seems so unfair that God gave him that healthy body and he threw it away when there are people who want to live and are stuck in bodies that are so messed up. I mean the fool could have at least killed himself where people could have benifited from his organs instead of doing what he did. He thought of no one but himself.
I think I will feel better after the holidays but if I don't I will have to let on to my hubby and kids about how sick I am feeling. I am hiding as much of this from them as I can because I do not want to be like Kelly. You all know more about when I feel bad than they do because you see where I track my symptoms. Other than this jornal and the pages here I am trying to keep it togther.
Forgive me if I seem insensitive. If I had any empathy for Kelly right now then I think I would end up feeling suicidal myself. The only way I am coping is cussing him. And I am sorry I am acting like a baby. I just really want to take some of the prednisone and I can't because I have to have it out of my system for the tests. I never had any desire for the pain meds and other stuff that was supposed to be addcitive but I am going nuts looking at that half full prednisone bottle because I know I felt better when I was taking it.
The only good thing I have managed is to not let my son see how bad I feel on his birthday and that is something. He can tell I am sick but I am holding it together.
KarateMom
I am sorry that you feel this way. I am hoping that you will get through this time in your life. I know that it is not easy but you will pull through it. Try not to focus on it to much. We are here for you. Keep journaling and letting us know how you are doing. I will be praying for you. Take care, snoozy
Snoozy
I admire your strength for going through this emotional torment and not letting your son see it. You came to the right place to vent and gain strength and support. I do not see you as a bad person for being angry at Kelly for what he had done. You have every right to be angry. It was an act of selfishness, and it's okay to be angry for what he did to you and your boys.
SCRRB