c140cfi's Journal

It's Saturday evening and my wife is doing better. 

She has gone out with girlfriends and is having a good time.  I am on call and getting to enjoy a quiet evening at home with my dailystrength friends.

I got that workout, to some extent, last night and I feel pretty good this evening.  My chest is a little tight and my head a little woozy from taking a half dose of Dostinex a couple of hours ago.  I guess I will do laundry.

I wonder how things are going at the Crisis Center?  I work it, by myself, for the first time next Saturday night.

As I walked through WalMart tonight, I reflected on the night about 8 weeks ago when I just took a walk through WalMart in hopes of seeing someone I knew...someone to distract me from wanting to kill myself.  I was in so much agony.  I needed to be in the hospital, actually, and needed some rather skilled intervention.  These things have a way of evading you when you are desperate though.  It's amazing how many people you can email, call, or write for help and then....nothing. Nothing happens.  You might get a call, but you probably won't.  I guess that is why I work at the Crisis Center.

When one is desperately in pain, the sterile touch of the Healthcare system really doesn't do much to reach your soul.  One comes a lot closer to interpersonal experience and soul-touch intimacy with the person that cuts their hair...than they do with a so-called professional.  The pros don't have the time, they are just too busy...and I think that makes them ineffective.  That's where we come in.

I have about come to the conclusion that "tough love" is for the most part actually easy hate.  I understand that people need to make boundaries, sometimes.  I also understand that, oftentimes, people set their boundaries based on selfishness.  "What's good for me" might be their motto.  True love let's people in...it's inclusive.

 Our Westernized way of friendship would be one of: even though you really need me right now, you can best show your friendship toward me by not asking me for anything.  Oh, you can ask for help once...and I will accomodate you...but don't ask me again...I won't answer my door...because I really didn't want to get involved the first time. Hmm.  This I have seen from some of my so called friends.

Ever see this in Healtcare?  I have.  Everybody is just "doin' their part".  How noble...what a bastian of goodness you are! Take a little piece of this ministering to people.  Do it.  Do it well.  Do it all the time.  Don't get out of your comfort zone, don't put yourself anywhere where you might have to think. 

I can't wait until I see a damn coin operated Healthcare kiosk at WalMart.  You login, start an online account, tie that in with your email.  You punch your symptoms into a computer screen menu.  In a moment, it looks at your medical and financial records. 

You place your fingertip onto a glass and it positively identifies you as you in their records.  The synthesized nurse on the screen then instructs you to drop your pants and push your tush up against a hole located just beneath the computer screen.  If it's a child, you push their bare tush against the hole located beneath the hole designated for you.

In a moment, you hear some clicking behind the PC and feel a cold alcohol spray on your butt.  Shortly thereafter, a sharp syringe needle injects antibiotics and a sinus cocktail after the synthesized nurse says "hold your breath".  As the injection is going in, you hear that super high speed announcers voice giving you all the side effects that are going to drop you in the parking lot, like a bad habit, before you get even close to your car. 

If a sample of yours is needed...a sample cup will drop down a chute, like one of the old coin operated coffee makers...for you to dispense.

With my luck, while I am dispensing, my pants will get tangled around my ankles and I will fall out of the booth and into the checkout aisle next to the One Hour Photo Developing.