aloneandscared's Journal

Journal Entry for April 9, 2008 Mood

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

I don't know what is wrong with me. I finished all treatments for the cancer. Doctor's said prior to the internal rads the tumor shrank SIGNIFICANTLY and what was left was less than 1 cm and superficial. So why am I depressed and scared? I don't understand why I feel this way, I want to cry all the time, and I am afraid of the future. This is so not like me. Don't know if the reality is hitting me and I'm in menapause. I don't know. Anyone else gone through treatments and felt this way afterwards?

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After my treatments...I really didn't believe that I was totally healed....and went out and did everything in life that I wanted to do...cause I really didn't think I was going to live for any length of time...(maybe hoping it would be my time)....I spent more money than I had...and went into debt doing all this......Then when I remained physically healthy....I got really depressed....and have been so until up to a few months ago....It was the deepest and longest episode I have ever had.....I really did want to die...and not live...and cancer would be my way out....but God has something else in mind for me...cause I'm still here.....so here I am ...coming back out of the deep pit....which I am glad now...but I have had to make a choice to live...and let it go....and now ...I just live simply....and deal with things now...enjoy things now.....keep stress low...and take care of myself mentally and physically....I am doing much better.....and now it is ok...if I live....I am more peaceful...and happier and more honest with myself than I have ever been...I personally think that treatment is just the drop in the bucket for a life change....and boy does life change....and can be really confusing....cause everything I thought life was about....changed.....and if your like me....change doesn't come easy.....I don't think I answered any questions you had...but this was my experince....

I hope you don't have to suffer as long as I did....cause I really didn't want to live....so I just knew cancer would be my way out....but it wasn't....please email me if you need to talk...I am here for you...

dchinlady
All of this is so overwhelming. I think at times we push our feelings aside to just get through the day, week, or month. Chemo and radiation take a toll on the body physically and mentally. Sharing your thoughts and feelings with others is a step in the right direction for healing. Keeping it all inside doesn't help you.

If you ever need someone to talk to, I am here for you. I think it helps tremendously to talk to others that have shared similar experiences.

Blessings of peace and tranquility your way,
Elizabeth

Elizabeth14
During treatment all you can think of is fighting and getting through all of the treatments. It becomes your main focus and noting else seems to matter. I felt very similar to what you have described after I was done with everything as well. For me, it hit me when I looked back and realized, Holy Shit, did all of that just happen to me. Suddenly, after all was said and done, the enormity of the situation hit me and the tears started flying. So, maybe it is a normal part of the process.

The menopause thing really sucks too. My treatments put me into full menopause as well, I am only 31. The hot flashes are horrible. Guys have it so much easier.

I'm here if you want to chat.

Jeannine