Kon's Journal

What a week it's been. My ex called me a week ago Friday and asked if I'd like to go have supper with him. I was skeptical, I was afraid he might be going to tell me something bad, like he was moving out of state, or he was going to start dating, but I accepted. I even called my middle girl, Sam, to see if she might know what he was up to, but she said that he had called her and asked if she thought it was a good idea to ask me to supper and she said that was all he said to her.

So he picks me up (at our oldest daughters, where I'm staying while they are re-doing my apartment from the fire damage), and it was just like a regular date, we were both nervous and a bit uncomfortable at first. He has always been such a gentlemen, opens car doors and such. I finally asked him, so is there something bad you need to tell me, and he smiled and said "no, but that's just like you to think of the negative" but he said it like it was an endearing quality not a bad thing, so we both relaxed a bit after that and had a nice time.

He has been living with friends since we split and trying to get a place, which finally happened this same week. I could tell neither one of us wanted the night to end but we hadn't kissed or anything, it was very "first date" feeling, even though we'd been married 26 years.

We made plans for the grandkids and myself to meet up with him the next afternoon to help him get moved in to his "little, and I mean little" place. It was the day before Mothers Day and he brought a card for me and it said up in the corner "open today", then he went to get some more of his belongings and would meet me and the grandkids later, I couldn't believe the card had a five page letter in it, written by the man I had fell in love with and been married to, apologizing for all the hurt and mistakes that had been made. I knew he'd been clean for a while and then it dawned on me why now, why was he reaching out to me now, and I realized he'd been at his new job quite awhile, and he finally had his own place, he'd slowly but steadily been getting his shit together and was able to see things through clear eyes. I never thought he would forgive me for putting all the truth out there to our parents and kids, but I think that after years of being the Queen of Codependency I couldn't take it and made BIG changes, including walking away from all the negatives and saying "no more". One thing he tells me is he couldn't believe after all he'd put us through that I had stayed so friendly and open to him.

Now more than ever I believe in that old saying "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was."

We've talked more and listened more in the past week than we had in a long time. I love him, I always have, and we are going to take things slow and steady. I've told him a lot about this site and some of the very special people here.

One very positive thing, I've needed less pain meds over this past week, I didn't realize how much not being with him had been affecting me physically, like an ache no amount of meds or physical therapy could fix.

I'm sending out the overflow of positive energy to all of my DS friends and hope you will help me to keep things in perspective. I appreciate all of you!

Last night I noticed the fog came in awful fast, until I opened my patio door and realized the fog smelled like smoke and there was snapping and crackling noises also. When I looked up there were huge orange flames coming from the roof, I beat on my neighbors patio door since he was in there calmly watching tv with his dog and told him the building was on fire! I live in a CHI (community housing initiative) apartment which is for low income, a lot of special needs people live here, one man (who apartment the fire apparently started in) was life-watched by helicopter, he's on a vent but they say he will be ok. No one else was hurt.

Only 3 apartments, out of 12 we undamaged (mine was one of the 3). I'm back at my oldest daughters home for now, but they think we will be able to come back in a few days.

That's it for now, (that's enought, right).

Ok so now I'm in my own apartment, my girls are grown with lives of their own, my ex is well my ex, so I'm feeling lost. I went from my parents home to making a home with my own family and now I'm out in the big world all by myself. I like my apartment and after living with my oldest daughter and her family for almost 2 years it really is nice to have my own place, I'm just not sure what to do now.

I started physical therapy last week for the first time in nearly 10 years. Now that I'm on disability and medicare I can actually go to the Dr. and PT again, not to mention no longer worrying about how I'm going to pay for my meds.

I can't imagine dating again, for one thing I don't go out much so I never meet anyone. I know I miss the physical contact and can't bear the thought of never being held by a man again, but on the flip side it scares the crap out of me!

I'm feeling pretty lost and lonely right now. I need to work out a plan, otherwise the days will continue to run one into the next and I'll still be sitting here with my dog wondering why I'm all by myself. I feel like Bridget Jones!