KatieRN's Journal

So, it has been one month since my father passed. I am still in denial sometimes about it. It will take a while longer for me to grieve of course as it is still so fresh. I bought a book called "Fatherless Women" and I have to say it's a nice book to help you grieve. It is helping me anyway....at least a little bit.

 When i think of the fact that i will never be able to tell my father i love him again, kiss him again or hug him again it kills me. God, it is such a difficult ordeal. I am being as strong as i can though i cry at the most random times. Something will just set me off and i'll start balling my eyes out. I only cry for a few minutes then i'm okay. I had a good cry a few nights ago when i was reading "Fatherless Women." It helps to cry....sometimes i feel i am trying to internalize it too much and be as strong as i can be for my mother though my mother is strong as a rock. We have our grieving moments but she is and always has been an independent woman.

My boyfriend took me to the holiday pops in Boston last weekened and it was a nice time. I tried to get into the christmas spirit. It is such beautiful music. I cried often during the show because my father loved music and he would have loved such a beautiful show.

I still feel that i'm dreaming at times. That this isn't real. That my dad will just walk into the house and say "hello hunny" but that obviously isn't going to happen. I am trying to cherish all the recent memories i have had with my father. I might make a scrapbook of pictures of my father and i. Something so i can go to it and be embraced by his presence through pictures. I really feel lost without my father. He always had the right answer and such wisdom to help me through any situation. I would discuss my latest quieres with life and he would listen intently as he always did. I was his only child and daughter and he was always looking out for my best interest. I just need to be thankful that he saw me grow up, become a nurse, meet my current boyfriend who will be my husband someday. I have a lot to look forward to in the future and i don't want the lack of my father to prevent me from embracing and enjoying such milestones that are yet to come...and it won't but they will be bittersweet events.

I will do my best to enjoy this holiday season. Without my father around it will definatly not be the kind of christmas i expected this year but life is something you can't predict. Things happen and you need to cherish each day as if it is the last. That is so true. You never know when your cards are dealt and when your last day will be.

 I hope all of you have a wounderful holiday season and make the best of it. I know i will try to. You will all be in my thoughts.

Katie