faerla's Journal

So, sent the letter, said no contact unless you desperately need to try and repair the matterhorn-sized amount of damage. Otherwise, never ever again.

I still can't believe I said it. I know it doesn't really change anything; I haven't spoken to him in three months. As far as I know, I will get divorce papers this week.

I miss my husband. I miss his laugh, I miss joking and playing with him, I miss getting into bed each night and having him tell me it was his favorite part of the day.

There were so many lies, I don't know what was real and what wasn't. I can't torture myself trying to figure it out, so I just had to say that it's safer to decide that none of it was real from him.

People around here and elsewhere say that you hit moments of understanding, "it's over" moments, things like that. I have never been like that, in my life. Things happen gradually. I never seem to get hit with "ah-ha!" things, everything just proceeds- sometimes quick, sometimes not. I've said it's over a million times, and I do believe it, but there wasn't a real instant where I just knew.

I have been repeatedly complimented on keeping my cool and being mature, honest and compassionate toward someone trying to totally devastate me. I actually WORRY that I haven't gotten more angry. I've had moments, sure, when he would break yet another deal, tell another lie, change another memory to a nightmare- but no sustained anger. I worry that I will just flip out suddenly, be hit with uncontrollable fury.  I have a pretty fierce temper when I let it go, but before he left I spent more than a year fighting to get power over it. I'm not sure if my calm is a result of the work I put in, or some monsterous storm building in the distance.

I didn't want it to be over. I still don't. I didn't want to tell him that he could never contact me again- even the thought of cutting someone out of my life is totally wrong to me. I had to do it though. Not because it was what I wanted, but because he wouldn't try, he doesn't love me, he did try to leave me with nothing.

I'm not like him. If he had tried, I would have tried. I would have tried on the mere hint that he was thinking about coming home. He had my every offer to make things better, to work harder, to give him more- he walked out, without even fighting for it, without even one day of consideration together. 

I'm not like him. Why do I still feel wrong?