faerla's Journal

This is really two sections, guys I've been in love with and guys I've just loved. In category 1, we have three members.

The STBX:

Well, there's no denying it. Here was my big, grown up, mature love. Sure there was big passion, wild trysts, marathon nights at the beginning, but as is supposed to happen in a marriage, it turned into a deep, full commitment, bond of trust and just overwhelming care on my part. I wanted to make him happy every day, worried about him when he was driving late, would still work hard to make him laugh and make him want me. I've never fought so hard to keep anything. My commitment to him was completely real. I expected our life together to be forever.

But he didn't really love me, unfortunately. It turns out those "minor selfish tendancies" I had resigned myself to living with turned out to be the tip of the iceberg. Apparently, rather than a basically good man with a little selfishness, he is basically a selfish man with a veneer of goodness. I think of how he used to tell me he'd never leave, how tightly he'd hold me- and then I think about how he told me it was all lies, all "comfort" and no love. Him leaving broke our marriage, but it was his cruelty that finally broke me out of my fantasy. This is not a man worth that kind of love. He doesn't understand it, can't accept it, and never valued it. 

The Ex-Fiancee

When D. and I met, it wasn't love at first sight. He was intriguing and a great conversationalist. Smart and alive in his world. Then I saw him with his shirt off and nearly fell out of my chair. On total impulse, I moved to London with him. Things were great for a while. But we were 20, our lives were going in totally different directions. I loved his thirst for life, his gorgeous body, and right down to his incredible insecurities. 

But we were young and hated that our relationship was falling apart, and tore each other to shreds in the process. Thank god, about a year later, we came to our senses and reconciled (as friends). He's drifted pretty far away, but I still love the guy. Traveling with him was one of the best experiences of my life. And I still remember how we would sing together, double harmonies. It was a beautiful relationship, and I do excuse the stupidity as youth and not knowing any better. We had some magic, for sure.

The True Love

How Romeo and Juliet can you get? Fell desperately in love at 15, stayed that way til... Hmm, technically the present. J. and I had that connection that had nothing to do with similar points of view, goals in life. We just loved each other. Completely. Wildly. Stupidly. VERY stupidly.

And before you write this off as a teenage romance, it darn well didn't end there. We've seen each other twice since 1996, and both times have ended with us in the same precarious position- realizing that holy hell we still ARE in love. J. very wisely called it quits when he got married, shortly after I did. A marriage shouldn't be subjected to the ex you can't stop loving or wanting. But I still remember, especially now, that last conversation before we both got engaged. "I would always regret it," said my eternal boy "If we never got a chance to have this  again." Always, my dear. Always.