blindedBYeloquence's Journal

ALOT has happened over the past couple of weeks. R and I are still friends which is cool, it's difficult sometimes. Athough i do miss him holding me, i miss our close friendship more. I miss sharing with him the way we use to. I not only lost my boyfriend but i lost my best friend. We are still friends but its just not the same as before. So i am grieving that loss and our "business deal" fell apart as well. We were going to open halfway houses and we got accepted for funding and everything but he is just not in a place where he wants to take on that much responsibility. I am so happy that he is trying to make some positive changes in his life and focus on the areas of his life that are not so great but it just kind of stinks that the business that we were going to be in can't happen right now, but i know that it is the best thing, especially for him. You know i have come to realize that R has been my redemption in a way. My whole life (i say that like i have been alive for a long time) I have been in relationships that i have only taken from and never showed up in and only had self seeking motives and very sick and selfish behavior with empty words and promises and this is the first relationship that i have ever shown up in, sometimes when i really didn't want to but i did anyway. This is the first person i can say that i truly love and i can mean it and feel it and it is real. I think that is a part of why it is so hard to let him go. But i do know that i must let him go on his own journey to be able to find himself in a way that he never has and allow him to let God into some compartments of his life he hasn't. I think the immesity of my love scares him. Salvation is under my breath.

It is the silence at night that scares me the most, not knowing what is going to happen next. i feel like my life is a lightning beam. I mean it seems that every month I feel i have lived a lifetime. Alot of it is good in a way because i am learning and growing and becoming aware of the possibilities of life but Nelson Mandela was right...it is the light that scares us. I never feared the unexpected until now. I find myself isolating alot lately. I mean i have my AA sponsees and stuff but in terms of some deep friendships with peers...those are lacking. When i walk into a meeting and when i talk with my sponsee's people look up to me and its different with friends and peers, more to risk perhaps. I met with my AA sponsor for the first time in a while, she was in China and Japan for 3 weeks. She is exceptional. She helps me to see that things are quite as big as i make them and that I am really great, especially for someone my age. She gave me a couple of things to focus on...she seems to think i have a little issue with accountability and disipline...hmmmm.

I believe all these things are errupting because i am really letting go of R and the entanglement of our lives is coming undone. I need to  quiet my mind and descend into my heart and rest there and allow myself to stand on concrete alone.

I keep having this dream that R comes to my house in the middle of the night and i awake from a deep sleep to find him at my door and when i open the door he doesn't even have to speak because his eyes say all that i need to know, you are my love and i am ready. Then he reaches for my face and his fingertips run atop the skin of my cheek bone into my hair and he gently pulls me towards him and kisses me and i know that it is meant to be. It sounds so dramatic and gushy, but it is not just a dream, it's my dream.

For now i focus on myself and my future...solo.