caydensmommy's Journal

Journal Entry for January 24, 2008 Mood

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Today has not been a good day for me, I have flet like I have had this knot in my stomach all day long, you know the kind I am talking about, it just sits there like a heavy rock bearing down on your stomach, I have been just on the verge of crying all day long. Everything seems to set me off and make me want to just curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep where i will not have to think anymore. I still feel as if i am just exisiting day by day, nothing brings me joy or makes me smile anymore. I fear I am going into a depression but I really dont know what depression is. I function, I get up every morning get dressed, clean the house do my work get my kids to school, everything I did before but there is a big void now. One that I know can never be filled. when every one is out of the house, I go sit in my sons room and I cry I talk to him and tell him how much I love him and miss him and my heart breaks and the warm tears flow and flow. Im a broken person now and i guess i will always be. Losing my baby is the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my life, as it should be, because things like this are not supposed to happen.

Hug cayde...

Send to a Friend

Comments

no, it was not supposed to be like this. Don't hold the tears back...I really think they are healing.

Leosmommy
I know exactly how you feel. I wish none of us had this crap happen in our lives.

JoleneL
Sorry you have been having such a rough time. You are doing what you have to do and then take the time with Cayden. That's right also. Crying is healing even though it doesn't seem so. Take your time and take care of yourself.
(((HUGS))))
Becky

rhulce
I too lost a child (a daughter) but to a drunk driver. I understand all too well where you are in your breaking heart. No, this is not supposed to happen at all but the fact is, it does. When I read your journal entry just now, the tears started flowing dowm my face. My problem is that I don't cry. So please be gentle with yourself and understand that grief takes many forms and crying is actually a very healthy way to deal with the pain. I wish I could do more of it. It has been 3 years for me and still there are days and weeks even that feel impossible to get through. But we do!! And you will!! I have faith that you will be able to have easier days someday soon. Take care and keep writing!!

marciimwa2005
Read journal so sorry it is another bad day. How are your other children coping do they talk to you, mercifully children often do not feel the pain that we do, but that is godsend for them but i am sure that they will be a great source of comfort to in the future, so hang on in there. Sheila

monchuxkie
My Heart goes out to you!! I know you are in terrible pain. I have been thinking of going to grief counseling. I feel the pain all of the time of losing my spouse. I can't even imagine losing a child or the pain you must feel. It is very possible that you are going through a depression and I know that you are grieving very deeply. Maybe you should go to see your doctor to find out if you do have depression. That is what I did when Bill died. At first i was numb with shock but then became very depressed.Crying is good because it helps with the grief and I cry all the time. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you and I will be praying for you! If you ever want to talk I'm hear to listen and help in anyway I can. God Bless!!

mysticgem
I read your journal and just wanted to tell you that physical pain you are feeling is something that I went through that same feeling the first year after I lost my son Mike. It also seems to be a common complaint among all the mothers that I have read in journals on this site. I think it may have to do with your brain not being able to accept that a part of you is gone. It almosts feels the way you would feel if you had lost an arm or a leg. Remember your son is a part of you so I guess that pain is normal. Anyway, my best wishes to you for a decent day.

MikesMom55