lvnikita's Journal

Ok, so I had my first acupuncture appt. I am going to explain it in as much detail as I can so this could get a bit long.  Because it was my initial appt I knew I would be there for along time.  For the first 30 minutes or so we went over my intake packet...it was 8 pages and she asked a lot of questions, a lot of weird questions...I guess some I understood why she was asking but she asked some crazy ones, like, what color my poop was and what did it smell like...I know TMI, right?  She wanted to know what it looked like as well... did it look like little drops, logs, etc... I will be honest, I never have done an extensive review of my bowel movements.  I really don't let it linger too long in there.  Anyway, she asked a lot of questions and actually got teary eyed when we talked about my twins.  I told her about my second loss as well and she was surprised I hadn't put that on my intake packet.... so was I.  She told me I needed to stop drinking soda, which I know.  She told me I should wait to ttc for three cycles.  I asked if it was ok if we could agree to disagree on the ttc.  She said she would support whatever decision I made and that was just her advice.  At the point I mentioned it didn't much matter at this point because I still hadn't even started my period. After that we talked about the different areas, Liver, spleen etc... I really don't remember that part but I do know she said that my concerns are mainly in the area of liver and a little of the spleen...  Then we went into the room.  Once we got there, she asked if she could take a picture of my tongue.  Yep, I stuck my tongue out and she snapped a picture of it.  She then showed me the picture of it and began explaining some things she noticed.  She said there was a divot in the "heart" of my tongue which meant my heart was broken but she thought she could tell it was starting to fill in.  My heart is broken, and I don't know if it is starting to fill in or not, I will trust her judgement on that but my heart is definitely in a million pieces still.  Then she took a picture of me for my files.   Next the needles... I am not a big needle person. I am able to give myself shots and such when it comes to my fertility therapy but when I have to take blood or whatever, I have to look away.  She asked if I wanted to look at the needles to see the size of them and I said no, even though I was really curious.  She did some pressure points and then put the needles in.  She didn't use many. She put two in each foot.  She put two or three in my knee area, two on my wrists and then one right square in between my eyes.  After that, she left the room for about half an hour and I fell asleep.  I have to say I was VERY relaxed.  When she came back in she asked if I just felt relaxed or if I felt energy flow through me.  I didn't really feel like that but was, like I said, so relaxed.  She removed the needles, we talked for a few more minutes and then I left.  I didn't really feel that different.  As I was walking to my car I was thinking about it, which she says is one of the problems in my spleen area... I am an obsessive thinking... and it was then that I decided I liked it.  So that's that.

I got to thinking about the last few weeks of my life.  They have been so hard.  I know things are starting to look up but I was trying to figure out what triggered it.  It just seems like its one thing after another.  Like my best friend for instance.  She had surgery about two weeks ago and I was so worried about her.  Because her girlfriend hates me, she didn't want me to visit or call... She's my best friend and I honored that but it was hard.  I needed her and she needed me.  I mean when I delivered my twins, she was there for me and brought her girlfriend, I didn't care.  She was with me at my twins service, at my last D&C, etc... It bothered me that I couldn't see her and I couldn't do anything about it but call her other roommate for updates.  Anyway, she called me today and it was like my mood instantly changed.  Her girlfriend travels for work so, although we talk when she is in town, we only get to see each other when she is gone... which lucky for us, is more often than when she's here.  Anyway, we got to talk about a lot of different things.  I missed her.  My house is clean and that makes me happy.  I still have those moments when I get really angry but they are becoming less and less... I think the other thing that bothers me and I know this is going to sound weird and immature but when I visit the Infertility Board and the Pregnancy After Loss Board, my RE advertisements are there.  It is a constant reminder that I am not able to try again.  I mean she must have used every fertility/infertility word you can think of, every word related to pregnancy... her advirtisement is everywhere, sometimes on both sides of the screen at the same time and when I come to this site, it's like two worlds colliding.  I know... weird but it bothers me.  I want nothing more to try again and I know all I have to do is get my period and then there is that constant reminder that I haven't gotten it yet.  Its just out of reach for me. 

Anyway, really working on staying positive and relaxing... I think that is going to be the key. If nothing else, life will still get a lot better.  My nursery and my bedroom look really good. My brother did a great job painting them.  It didn't bother me as much as I thought it would for him and his pregnant wife to be here.  We talked for a long time about it.  I asked his wife if she would consider carrying a baby for me if I continued to have issues (she's only 26 and only wants one child)... my brother already has 2 others.  She said she would in a heartbeat.  It made me feel better... hopefully, I won't need her to but I did feel good about it anyway. 

Still haven't made a decision about the zoloft.  I haven't even picked it up yet.... I just don't know.

Sorry this is so long.  Thanks for listening.