chard's Journal

Ugh my stbx shows up last week to see the kids after not seeing them for 2 1/2 months besides 2 hours on fathers day.  Starts saying how he's made big mistakes and misses me and the kids and wants to stop doing drugs. Well last Thursday he leaves his girlfriend and asked if he could just spend a night at my house. Well I let him ( realy dumb). Anywhoo ya know how addicts are ,selfish , makes promises they dont or cant keep. Well he ended up staying for  6 nights. I could not handle it at all, the guy makes me so mad. I can't believe how selfish one person can be. He put the idea out ther that if he gets better , would I give him another shot. Well I thought about it and all that did was cause me a bunch of pain. And I told him ther could never be an us again, we want different things in life and I cant trust him. Just thinking about everything hes done to me and the kids. I will never be able to trust the guy! He left me 2x for other woman, we wernt living together at the time but it's still not right and ther will always be slips when it comes to drugs or even full blown binges. Every time he's with someone else he stops seeing the kids WTH is that about.  

Well he's gone now , said he is going away for a few weeks to B.C.. I think it'll be alot longer. It's sad the kids wont see ther dad again for a long time maybe even forever the way he's going. I think he'll end up sick over dosing on drugs, I hope not but thats life he's into bad stuff. One night when he was here I asked him why he doesn't go out for a bit and hang with his friends. And he yelled at me and told me that one of his friends is getting $1000 and if he goes out he'll end up doing a lot of drugs with them , and he asked me if I wanted him to die or something. Well know I don't want him to die , I have no idea what it's like to be and addict. I dint know just cause he goes and hangs out with friends he would do that. Then he told me I'm the only person that he knows that dosnt use thats why he wanted to stay here. Well holy crap I feel bad. Oh well it's not my fault he's like this. I feel bad for him and I'm scared for him but I cant change the way I feel. I cant just get back together with him and walk on egg shells for how ever long just to try to keep him off drugs. He hurt me very badly and cant expect me to keep my mouth shut about it. Well I'm definitely emotionally exhausted after all this and happy that it's done. I tried to help and thats all that counts.

I put myself in these situations wher I get hurt. Or more like I hurt myself by getting into it. I can't even get up the streanth to talk about it right now. I hope tomorow I will, I think all my great friends on here will be able to help me see more clearly.

I feel like takin every dish in the house and throwing it and breaking them.  I have all this stuff that I can't manage to share cause I hate saying I fucked up again. Like will I ever learn???

Their is no more need to have no contact rule!!! YAY!!! I'm emotionaly detached from him. I do not feel thretened by him, I know he does not want to be charged with anything having to do with being abusive towards me cause he will go to prison for a long time. It strange that I had felt that I could not live with out him only 4 or 5 months ago, but I was so sick with fear and depresion wondering how in the world would I take care of 4 young children all by myself. Now I feel so at peace and living my life happily. Honestly I can not remember if I've ever felt so good. Even though by far life is not easy at all, I have to live off very little money, I'm am so super busy with house work, errons, and just simply playing with my children. But it all feels right now. My kids are ajusting to not having ther father around, which is realy sad to think about for me. But I know everything will work out just as it should. Well the guy still does piss me off, I could not imagine ever that he would abandon his children but also never though he would do drugs again either. So I was wrong ther. But I'm slowly getting over that as well.

Well I compleated a goal yay!!!!