bobbi507's Journal

I am leaving DS. Nobody talks to me anymore, nobody sends messages......they take me off of their friends list. I really thought this was a place for support and with no judgement but it is just like a high school. I get spammed, harrassed by perverts...i have people who talk to me for months and then just dissappear, stop talking because they think they are better than me or else they start feeling better and forget that at one time they were just as sick as me and had moments of rage like me. Thats not a friend, you dont dump someone when you get better, a true friend sticks around because they have shared and walked in the same shoes as the person they left behind. Yes I have Bi-Polar, Major Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder so I get a little hyper, full of rage quite a but, but i have it real bad and have not responded to treatment, for over 15 years of treatment, tried 25 meds, counseling, treatment and never responded. Nobody could ever say i did not fight this shit. I am getting worse, I am getting more angry because i feel all these years of hell has driven me to the brink of insanity and anyone else could end up at the point i am at right now. i get no emotional support, my family ditched me years ago, i was beaten up for years and i go through that emotional pain alone. I am a fighter because many, many people who feel like this would have blew there head off years ago, and many people have. Do you think a sane person would actually stick a gun in their throat and pull the trigger? No! A desperate person who has only wanted a break, who only wants to feel anything but hollow, empty, sad, alone, and after years of suffering they finally give in, go crazy, lose their mind and end the torture. I sit here in this horrible pain, physical and emotional... just waiting for another treatment to come along and pray that is lifts some of this grief and weight off of me.  So i dont know what all of your problems are, you are no better than me. You all think because you respond to treatment and i dont, that you are better and seem to forget that at one time you were just as angry and out of control as me.......or those of you that befriend the goody two shoe people on here and pretend you are like them and then you turn around and show your true colors with me....you swear and rant and rave.....and i dont care that you vent and swear and rant and rave to me, in fact i like it because then i know i am not alone and i can help someone else with their issues and take my mind off of mine for awhile. what does bother me is the people who act like they are Polly Anna with someone else and act like Sybil when talking to me. they sit and talk about god and praying and faith with Polly Anna and then talk about God in a whole different way with me. I accept people no matter what. People who pray, people who do not, people who yell, people who are angry, people who are dumb, people who are fat, people who are ugly, people who are smart, crippled, disabled, rude, mean, .............i dont care because i know it is the diseases talking and not the true person hiding somewhere inside of you, or trapped behind that steel wall you may have built up around your heart so that nobody else can get in damage it further, i know that sometimes a heart can be so broken you feel as if it will never mend, or your soul has died.........some people have lost faith and feel there is no one above helping them help themselves, i know that these diseases can and do break your spirit, make you somebody else........