bobbi507's Journal

Journal Entry for September 17, 2007 Mood

Monday, September 17, 2007

I am so depressed it is just getting so bad, worse than ever. All i want to do is sleep all day. I moved to the basement, my marriage is pretty well over, my husband says i make his life a living hell. We are always fighting and i am driving him insane by my neediness. He had to take a second job cause of me. He gets mad at me when i tell him i want a divorce, not for me but for him, so he can have a life. If it were not for me he would not need that job. I have tried for 17 years to fight off this depression and i am so tired. I have done everything the doctors ask me to do. I cannot even get off of my ass and take pictures anymore. I cannot live off of this SSDI check. I feel like am living in someones worst nightmare. I feel sick all the time. I tire so easily. I have to work tonite and i do not want to go, if i call in they will fire me and then i lose my health insurance, which would mean an extra $500 that we do not have to go on my husbands. I feel like i am being punished because i got married. They take away your state health aide if you do not work while you are on SSDI, it does not even make sense, a person gets put on SSDI because they cannot work. I am afraid to leave the house alone, how the hell am i suppose to work? I hate going to that awful place and pretending i like those rude, cry-baby, spoiled bastard customers, when what i want to do is reach across the counter and choke them to death. It takes everything in me not tell them to "FUCK OFF". The employess are assholes too. They are spoiled and treat me like shit. It does no good to complain to management cause i did and they did nothing. The managers are assholes, they humiliate and reprimand a person right in front of customers and the rest of the staff. I make so many mistakes there because of the depression and anxiety, always..... every time i work i make mistakes and end up looking like an asshole, idiot. I do not know what to do anymore. I got turned down 5 times for a device that i had high hopes for, went through appeals.....i am losing all hope, i have lost all hope now. there is no fight left in me. i do not want to talk to anyone anymore. my husband does not see the big picture he thinks i will be cured somehow. even if......and it is a huge IF...... there is a slight improvement i will never be like normal people, never. I tried for many years and the depression and panic would not budge. Nobody knows how bad things really are. I cant talk to anyone, my mom has shut me out. she does not want to talk to me anymore cause i never have anything good to talk about. i sit here all day and the phone never rings. i have completely ruined my husbands life, he has nothing now thanks to me. he had to sell his motorcycle, we are probly going to lose the house. i want to move south so bad, i just want a fresh start, i cannot handle another winter. i have a 6 year old kid here and if i left his dad would run me into the ground, but i sometimes feel like i am ruining the 2 kids living with me just to stay here for a kid that does not even want to come to my house and his dad sexually assaulted me, i am afraid to see his dad, i hate him, i wish i could kill him. i cant be a mother to anyone if i am sad all the time. his dad would never let him come for the summer. his dad would rather see me blow my head off and then he would get more money out of me. i am so tired of the demands placed on my shoulders and there is nobody helping me...my husband but he is getting tired, him and i cannot do all this by ourselves. i am doing the same thing that was done to me for so many years...being someones caretaker with no help. my whole life it was my job to care for myself or the people who were suppose to take care of me. i cannot believe i lived this long. my life has been a living hell. everything is a struggle, i never get a break, i never GOT a break. my family sucked the life right out of me, and they will not even own it.

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yikes it looks like you are hitting rock bottom here. (been there myself years ago). Do you go see a cousillor? The reason I say this is that you can get all your negative feelings and thoughts out and when you leave everything you say stays there with him... not family and friends. It is good to talk to your family about how you're feeling but I found people shying away from me too because they didn't get how hard and depressed I was. I was bringing people down. I know it sounds trivial and stupid but something that helped me was "FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT". Even if you feel ridiculous doing it be super dooper ridiculously sickeningly nice and sweet and cheery. Every negative thought about something or someone or yourself that comes into your mind flip it around and make a joke out of it. (yes I know what you're thinking but bare with me because this does work in one way or another -you either start laughing at yourself or it does stop you when you have negative thoughts down the road trust me-)
For instance I would think "my friends are all assholes and they have it so good. They never have a care in the fucking world and whine about the stupidest things that don't even compare to what I go through every day" Sound like something you would think or say?
K so tell yourself the complete opposite and even use a voice like your happy happy joy joy on helium k?
"My friends are the sweetest, nicest helpful and caring down to earth people I have ever met and I am so blessed and fucking happy that they are in my life what would I do without them... etc."
Then do something retardedly nice and friendly like send someone a "just because" card... I know it sounds stupid...
Okay here's another one that I was always told to do by my specialist and it was stupid at first but really helped me after a while believe it or not.
"I am so tired. I look like hell and my husband probably cringes when he sees me coming. I look like death and I feel like death. All I want to do is sleep and hide under a rock. No one wants to be around me and I mine as well be dead to the world." ring any bells for you?
K... "I am so happy and energized my body feels so alive and fresh and there is no way I can sit still on this couch or sit by the computer any longer because I have too much energy. I'm going to go for a brisk walk and come home and take a shower and put on something nice and do my hair and make up and my husband is going to fall over his tongue when he gets home from work and we are going to do it like rabbits and his head is going to pop off with pleasure when sees what a fucking hot and sexy wife he has married."
Sounds stupid but do it. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT your depression. How you are thinking is making you worse and I know you'll get mad at me say "this crazy bitch doesn't have a frickin clue" but I do... FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT. Treat it like a physical illness because that is what it becomes. Eat like a frickin marathon runner and only put good foods into you and lots of water. EXERCISE whether you feel like it or not and change your bad thoughts. When someone asks you how you're feeling LIE YOUR ASSSSSS OFF and say I feel amazingly good. They won't believe it at first and neither will you but soon ... trust me soon... your mind will get a kick out of it and you will change how you think WHICH WILL HONESTLY CHANGE HOW YOU ARE FEELING.
Write it on your forehead FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT.
What do you have to loose? Try it for a month and tell me how you're feeling.

lilpeep
OH one other thing that sounds corny but what do you have to loose is go get a hypnotherapy tape for self esteem. ( I know you have bigger problems than worrying about what you look like I know you aren't depressed because you're a shallow superficial person or some stupid chick like that but I mean confidence in yourself.)
If you have a mic you can even make one yourself and play it before bed on head phones and for GOD SAKES move back into your husband's bed. Let people be there for you as friends and what not and maybe just keep how your feeling to yourself or only spill it all out to a councillor or someone who doesn't matter. Puke it up somewhere else and away from your loved ones. Around them for a while "FAKE IT TILL YA MAKE IT!!!"
Talk about ANYTHING else besides negative feelings about yourself or anything else. They will look at you funny for a while but THIS way you don't connect negative things with them and they can stop getting wet from your rain cloud for a while.

lilpeep
I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE PUBLIC ALL THE TIME, EVEN NOW WHEN I CAN ONLY WORK A FEW HOURS A WEEK. I SAY TO MYSELF GOD I AM SO GLAD THIS PERSON IS NOT RELATED TO ME. UNDER MY BREATH I AM SAYING THINGS LIKE, UNTILL THAT PERSON OPENED THEIR MOUTH THEY LOOKED HALF DECENT. TO BAD YOU STILL CANT GET A REWARD FOR TURNING IN A CRAZY PERSON. OR CAN YOU? I COULD SUGGEST A GOOD LAXITIVE SO THEY COULD GET RID OF ALL THEIR SHIT. NOW BY THE TIME I AM DONE THINKING ALL THAT , A SMILE CROSSES OVER MY FACE AND I GET THIS HIGHER THAT MIGHTY FEELING.. ( YES I KNOW ,,, BAD dEBBIE ) LOL,, BY THE WAY,,, DID YOU REALY THINK YOU WERE TALKING TO A SAIN PERSON? HE! HE!

kaddidle
Thanks. I really have tried the 'fake it' thing. I did for 17 years and i am at the point where doing that for so long has tired me right out. i need a break and i do not care wheree i have to go to get it. I need to be away from my horrible husband.

bobbi507
Oh and not only that but i am dealing with a bad Fibro flare-up so i have no energy to do anything, no matter how hard i try. if i push myself i get chest pain. So that does not help. My doc prescribed me something for fatigue but the insurance company turned it down.......as usual. I did the trial and by god a med helped, if even for just a little bit it helped, and again the insurance company snuffed that little hope out. i cannot think anything nice about them. i want to half-kill the person who denied me that medicine.

bobbi507