bobbi507's Journal

so i started moving my shit in the basement. had the final one out today, now i know his true feelings and all the things i have made him lose. somehow moving to the basement is not enough, i often so many times wish my dad would come and get me. someone upstairs must have been thinking and sent my mom packing early before my son had a chance to go with, cuz i would never do anything to myself when he is here. i just sit and think of all those nights i spent in that hospital with my dad when he was dying and how the doctors just kept telling me i needed to let them pull the plug because even if he woke up his quality of life would be hell. he was not that old...they said it was inhumane. what about people like me that suffer, i needed my dad too but the reality is they were right and he is probly happier where he is so why cant my plug be pulled. i dont think people even have the slighest fucking clue the amount of pain i go through every single day.....maybe if one or two bad things happened to me in my life i could go on like other people, but it was more.....a list longer than than my arms, all my kids arms and then some and then some, sexual assaults, physical beatings....i have gotten thrown clear through walls landed on the other side....this was when i was about 14 or 15, then i had to move out when i was 15 and was not able to come home no matter how much i asked. i think it took driving my car into the river to get any attention but that was short lived. some neighbor person was fondling me when i was seven, then the shit started again when i was about 16. was not allowed too say no...if i did, shit hit the fan...somewhere along the lines i stopped caring about my body and mutilated because of all that, i got scars up and down my arms, i got bald patches from pulling all my hair out...my self image is shattered, i either avoid mirrors or spend hours in them with make up and chemical peels. i refuse to let anyone touch me.....never again, this is partially what is ending this marriage even though Rick lied and said he loved me enough to forgoe the sex part. its okay because he deserves better, he is not getting any younger....he can find a stronger wind to blow his sails. if it is so much better 'over there' then why do i have to stay here and suffer. all the emotional pain is enough, then i got the horrible physical pain which makes me feel like all my bones are broken EVERYDAY, i got fatigue, i fall asleep everwhere. I really have tried and tried, all the meds, many different doctors, all kinds of therapists and therapies, groups, hospital, electric wires to my brain....what else is there? i force myself out of bed everday and go through the motions. i make genuine efforts to do things that once made me happy, i take the kids bowling, i quit smoking and drinking...i am only here for them....nobody else and now i cannot be good enough for them. my dad is gone and my heart is fucking broke but i know he is in a better place, why cant people be that unselfish for me? what good is a person who has a panic attack when the neighbors are out in their yards? i cannot even going to the mailbox. i am only here for them, if i did not have these kids i would let one of the beatings kill me instead of fighting back. i am hallucinating, i cannot sit around longer and wait till i am completely out of touch with reality and i get stuck in a nuthouse for life....fuck that. i am sometimes not even here is some ways.

i hate my rotten digusting body that i want to just run it off it a big cliff. i made out a will and the music i want played and what I want to wear and i want a pink and purple coffin. something will get me, one of the meds, treatments, car wreck.....i have never had this strong of a feeling that i am going. NEVER, something has compelled me to make all these arrangements. i am forced to get in the car and drive and i should not be driving, not with the dizzy spells and hallucinating. i missed so much. i wonder what it really feels like. i cannot imagine a life pain free and no crying ever again, and not that feeling in your chest like someone is gouging your heart out with a rusty spoon, like i have right now. the neighbors probly hear me cry everyday. they look at me funny when i let the dog out. everyone laughs at me, people call me a whore and a slut and a bitch and nobody believes anything i say. i am shit through and through.  i want this pain to end. i am tired of crying it burns my face and gives me a headache. i only stay around to watch the kids do the things i never got to do. maybe my daughter can go to prom,  all those things, things that only happen once in a lifetime, you can never get those moments back....never. when that shit happens you end up with a lifetime of pain, broken heart and crippiling guilt. i dont think there are many pictures of me, i found some with my dad...i was about 1. the wine is making me tired, maybe i will sleep for a few h0urs, i missed the alcohol, forgot how it made me feel warm inside.