bobbi507's Journal

Rick is slinking around again, fucking cheater. I think he is poisoning me, I was not sick till I met that snake, rodent, sneak.....All he does is upset me, if i want to leave he threatens me. I don't trust him as far as I can see. Let him sneak around....when I catch him....i will get him where it hurts the most and that is his wallet. He cares about NOTHING else, I am beneath everything. His wallet has always been number one, then comes him.... he is number two, I think I come maybe number 25. I wish someone would kick his ass. He has a big mouth, he runs it off....he talks about people behind their back. At least I will say something to someone's face and if i get my teeth knocked then I had it coming...I am sooooooooo pissed at him right now. I am tired of competing with his ex-wife. I hate her. She looks like a bull-dog with it's face punched. I am no beauty queen but she is just GROSS. I just want to smash her fucking nose in. I want to smash his nose in. I hate it here. Hate it, Hate it, Hate it and then when i leave here I will never, ever, ever get involived with another person again for the rest of my life. I cannot handle answering to someone. I cannot handle the competition if being better than the people of their past. I cannot handle being with anyone and I happier alone. I like being alone. I would rather go places myself....if my agrophobia was not so bad. Before it got bad I did everything myself.....I am going to do it again. I am not going to let this asshole own me or any disease own me.  When my dad died, it was a big slap in the face that we are not here forever and I want no more regrets. I want no more I should have done this or that. I want this or that and I never went after it. I cannot do anything if I am with him. I have already allowed him to take so much away....my pride being one of the most important. He will not even own ANY of it. I have tried to forget and I cannot. The stuff he did was too hurtful and damaging. I allowed him to treat me like shit, I taught him that. I have tried to stay married and I cannot anymore. I have tried. I take the pills and go to the doctor's for him. If i was alone I would not have these behavioral issues. When he came along I was just fine. I was taking a double load of credits at school, I was working full-time, I had friends...I was fit and thin and most important I was able to manage this depression. I do not care what anyone says...if being single is what keeps me sane then that is what I need to do. I do not need a man in my life (or a woman hahaha) I miss the friends I left behind when i moved to this hell-hole of a city. I do not even know where they are.  I dont want his fucking money either. All i want is what I brought in when I came and what I contributed. He is so concerned about me taking his money, so concerned that he threatens me. Actually he threatens me less, so maybe he is accepting that things are over and we would both be better people without each other. He was happier, I was happier....why keep wasting the years? Something needs to change real soon....I have met him more than half way. I am not always a bitch. I come here to bitch so other people do not have to listen to it. When a person feels more like a roomate then there is something wrong. When all I can think about is all the times he made me look like a fool, like an ass....i let him though so its not all him, i am 50% responsible because I let it happen.  I have more fun playing on "Second Life" then I do real life.....and I do not talk to any men! I got a pool and kinds of shit. I dont know what to do. Sometimes we get along real well, but then he will do or say something that makes me feel like shit or reminds me of all the mean things he did.  I dont know what to do. I wish I had an intelligent, impartial person to give me some advice. Lol anybody I talk to is either completely without common sense or does not care about me at all. i mean they do not care at all. I am having surgery and nobody cares....i could die and nobody cares. I am so sick of him bitching at me for not meeting all of his needs. He does not care that he has met barely any of mine. This house and car and all that shit, mean nothing to me. He does nothing for my emotional stability We are so different....I mean very different. Our personality's mix about as well as fire and water. I cannot do this anymore. I always give in and stick my tail between my legs and let him come out on top all the time. No more.

Omg...so i tried a different pain med....Tramadol. Holy shit does that ever make me sick, I feel like my guts are in my throat, I got heartburn that will not quit no matter what i take, puking and every other gastrointestinal symptom other the sun. Ugh, between that and the advil and aleve I think i made my ulcers bleed. So there was a graduation party on Saturday at some campground and I had to go in my mom's RV and sleep through the whole thing. God I was so sick, I do not know what the hell happened....it was so embarrasing. I made a half-ass effort but sitting at a picnic table killed my back, I had some fatigue so bad I could not keep my eyeballs open, I have literally been sick since Friday. I finally got up today and it is not lasting very long. I really sleep alot, i cannot control it no matter how hard I try. In fact i get sicker when I try to fight the fatigue. Now I think i will need to go back to bed, i am so tired, cannot stand it.

Not sure how I made it through the day without bawling. Went to the graveyard and sat by my dad for awhile, brought him some flowers. Really pissed off his headstone is not there yet, so I could not plant any flowers or anything. Oh well then I got a good reason to go back. It was very peaceful out there actually, death is so ugly but it was a nice quiet place there under his tree. Now I do not think i will be able to sleep tonight. I do not want to take anything and I will just lay there and think and then upset myself and cry and get a headache and stay up later so I will just stay up till I am tired. I wish I had more people to talk to. Geez. My life needs a complete overhaul, major. I am trying. I have been looking for a job again, going to work on getting off the meds so I can get my nursing license back. I will be finishing my skin care shit in the next two years so I am not a complete failure and loser. I really feel alone but not ready to let anyone into my heart again yet. LOL i got a silly little cyber dog...stupid but at least I do not have to clean up her shit. I spend about 1/2-1 hour on Second Life a few times a week....dumb but kind of fun, need to do kid things once in awhile, even my therapist told me that....so hey he is a pro. I am going to venture out into the backyard in the next few days and plant my garden....we will see how long that lasts and if i can stick with it. need to feed my cyber puppy and take shower I guess.