TSand's Journal

Journal Entry for January 21, 2008 Mood

Monday, January 21, 2008

I am finally in the green! I don't believe it. It does happen though. I look back on the last couple of months since I got here to DS and see so much change in me and all for the good. Trauma and injuries can be healed. I will really hold on to that as I continue on my path.

This last weekend has been so interesting. First of all, I had 130 finals to grade for my high school students. They are not done yet but I am going to make it as I always seem to. Secondly, my stbx came over yesterday to take the dog on a sleepover. That is sad because our children don't want to spend time with her. She has been estranged from them for over a month and they don't show any real signs that they want her back in their lives. She is committed to her new bf who was arrested last week, she says for driving without a lisence, but there must be more to the story. She can't give this man up to get her children back in her life. When I try to talk about this she responds with the idea that I was never there for my children in the past. The difference now is that I don't get baited by her talking. She wants therapy to explore the idea of reuniting her with the kids but mostly wants me to be held responsible for the things that she has done. For example, before we split up my daughter was checking my wife's text messages and saw that she was cheating on me. My daughter confronted my wife who told her that I knew about it and that we were working on it. I didn't know and now my daughter knows that. My wife also had my son work with her bf during the summer around our house. I know he is angry about that. The fact that he is using drugs is also a factor as far as I am concerned. It is all messy. I told her that I didn't want to talk to her anymore. I am also finally ready to file for divorce. Something changed in me. I don't want her back. I know there is someone else for me out there. I learned this here at DS. There are people here that are so kind and understanding. In some ways I feel reborn. I know that the coming days will not be easy. Selling a house and moving after years never is. However, I know that I will find the strength to do it. I want to give a special thanks to my special DS friends who have helped me in so many ways. I hope they know who they are!

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Comments

The roller coaster ride isn't over, but it seems that you've survived the biggest twists and turns. Best of all, you now know that it can be done and I can see that you will never doubt yourself again. I am so happy for you that you now recognize that you deserve more. Your strength and confidence is inspiring. Happy Re-birth day to you!! :)

LJB1973
What an awesome journal entry. You have most definately grown during your short time here. Your STBX will have to prove herself to your kids, after all, she was deceitful to them as well. There will still be down times as LJB has pointed out, but you now have this feeling to look forward to when it happens and will get back to this happy place even quicker each time. I love LJB's statement too...Happy Re-birth to you...that is AWESOME.

aguyandadog
Awesome post I love your writing style

Honkwomp
That was a great entry and I can totally relate - the pain & suffering involved in splitting up and facing the realities is brutal. You sound like you're doing a great job. Nice going.

johnsculler
What a wonderful feeling clarity is.. I am so happy for you that this journey has finally found a solution. You strength shown to work on yourself, to be responsible for your actions, to stop the rising when she tries to bait you , shows courage, growth, and confidence:) I can only see good things ahead for you.. Thank you for sharing all of this with us..

kimmee
To see your face in the green is wonderful! So many have come across the same challenges as you and you have handled your situation in such a positive way. I see the growth, the change, the stability in keeping your focus throughout all of this is awesome. Continue doing what you are doing and you will be fine. Follow your heart!

beautifulsis
Came by to check on you...You sound great! Someone worthwhile will love you right and it will be because you deserve it!!

joanespring
You are doing so great. I am so happy for you. The path does become clearer as we stumble our way along it. You will find that special someone to share your life with, until then you have two wonderful people that love and adore you. You are a great daddy that much is apparent. Don't accept any of the blame she is trying to convince you that you have. It is her way of throwing up a smoke screen so people won't see what a rotten person she is.

osa
It's always so inspiring to read your posts. I your healing is so evident. Your decisions are reasonable and concrete. That said I can see that is still pains you that your wife could be so selfish as to hurt her own children. I don't understand this either. Please stay in the green. Your encouragement here is terrific.

zippid
Rebirth is excruciating,isn't it? As you very well know the struggle is not over yet, but armed with that "I deserve better than that" attitude you will overcome it all. I think your writing is a reflection of the kind of man you are and an inspiration. You give such wonderful insights to us all at DS. I feel privileged to have stumbled on TSand the voice of reason :))) There is no doubt in my mind that something and/or someone much better awaits you. Good luck with the move. I know all too well how hard moves can be. I'm a pro at that.

Victoire
That is Great!! I am so happy for you!!

Big Hugs,

Lisa
abusehurts

LisaACOA