missalicia1980's Journal

I cannot even describe the pain I feel today. And this time, it's not just the pain from my endo. It's everything combined. I feel like everything is crashing down on me. It seems that no matter how hard I try, I cannot catch a break. Today is one of those days I just wish it would all disappear. I wish that I could just give up. I don't completely know what is not letting me do that.

There was that day back in January that I traveled to NYC to see one of the top Endo specialists in the country. I had finally found a doctor who cared - who finally knew what the hell he was talking about and understood my condition. A doctor who said that I very badly needed to have surgery because there is so much damage - not just the endo, but my uterus was in jeopardy.

After paying this particular doctor nearly $1,000 out of my pocket, I was told that they only accept certain insurance, otherwise this procedure would cost me $12,500 up front and a combined total of $25,000-$30,000. I began my insurance hunting immediately.

There was another day in February that I was FINALLY accepted for healthcare. I clearly made them aware of the PCOS and of my family history of uterine cancer. I told them I had a laparoscopy back in 2001 where they discovered lesions and adhesions - being very careful not to use the term "endometriosis", because my records did not specifically say so at that time.

When I received my acceptance package in the mail, I did note that there was an exclusion: Anything in relation to PCOS will not be covered. No medications, no surgeries to promote pregnancy, no treatment of ANYTHING remotely related to PCOS.

That's all fine with me, because the root of all of my problems is not from the PCOS. It's always been issues revolving around endo.

Then came the time to make my appointments, because I had been bleeding for almost 3 months straight. I had seen 3 different doctors in search of a solution. I had 1 pap, 2 pelvic exams, some bloodwork done, and an ultrasound. All to find out that my insurance had denied EVERY SINGLE CLAIM.

I had opened all of my mail late last week - something I am REALLY bad at doing - and saw all of the denials. Finally, today, I called the insurance company to figure out what the hell I have been paying for if they weren't covering ANYTHING. The woman on the phone explained to me that if I am being seen for anything that could be even remotely related to PCOS, they would deny it.

Then I lost my mind.

I bawled my eyes out. I told her that it is bullshit that I have been paying them every month and going to numerous doctors just to figure out what the hell was going on, and they will not cover anything. I explained to her that I had been continuously bleeding, and this woman had the nerve to tell me that continuous bleeding is something that happens because of PCOS. I told her that I have had PCOS for over 10 years, and I have NEVER had this problem. I thought this was a side-effect of the Depo, and I told her again about my family history with uterine cancer. I asked her how long this "exclusion" would be on my policy...she said indefintely. Last time I checked, it was only 12 months. This bitch just blew me off and asked me if there was anything else she could help me with.

ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME?!?!?!

Right then and there, I cancelled my insurance.

And now, here I am. Back to where I started 10 years ago. I feel so defeated. All I could do after this is ask God why he chose me to have this disease. Is there something I have done to make Him angry at me? Why do I have to suffer like this? Then I caught myself almost not even believing...I mean, I have prayed so much for His guidance. I have asked for His help. And this is what I get? I know it sounds so selfish, but this makes no sense to me.

I just don't understand.

~Alicia~