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Thank you so much all of you, I've gotten a lot of feedback, I appriciate it so much. I'm still not all that familiar with the website. I would love to chat with the people i meet on this site. Is there a chatroom on this site. Does anyone want to chat on an IM. I'd love to talk with anyone. Add me: Nathansm88@yahoo.com
I've had such a hard week. There have been so many changes and I'm so nervous. Adrian is gone now. I talked to him for the last time this week. This whole thing was so rough for him and the day he went to trial put the icing on the cake. He was so emotionaly drained I can't even imagine what it must've been like for him just feeling everyone hate him like that and seeing himself in such a horrible place for a big chunck of his life, not being able to interact with the people who love him so much or not being able to see his daughter again. I want to see him happy so badly, I love him more than anyone.
I didn't take all of this well at all. I can't contian my feelings and I tried to for so long but i just couldn't. I don't know all of the pyscical effects of depression but this week has been draining on on both the body and soul. I feel so slugish and have no energy or motivation whatsoever. I also have didn't have much of an appetite and kinda felt like i would throw up if i ate. I know I've heard of these as signs of depression. But other things are happening like everytime i stand up i almost faint , loose my vision and balance and fall to the floor. My heart rate is unusually high for being at rest. Being so slugish and not doing anything but laying around and having a steady heartrate from 100 to 120 beats per minute isn't normal. It's really hard to sleep with my heat pumping out of my chest like that. I also shake a lot and parts of my body go numb. I know that these are signs of anxiety that i may have along with the depression. Those are the pysical syptoms resulting from a lot of things Adrian's situation, not being able to talk to Adrian anymore, Hiding my feeling from my family and having no one to go to, being scared about my future as a gay man and how that would all work out with my parents. I feel so emcompased by this intense emotional pain I can't handle and i feel so alone.
I had a breakdown a few days after everything that happened to Adrian. My mom saw me crying and she had no clue about anything i was feeling. She asked me why i was feeling bad. I told her why because I just had to let it go. She kept asking and i just couldn't take the pain of lieing and keeping it secret. I told her about Adrian and what was going on with him. She asked me if i was having a romantic relationship with Adrian and i told her that i was. I had starting crying because of Adrian but then i had all of this intense stress of my mom knowing and "coming out" all in one big heap. As i was crying i couldn't stop and i started to go hysterical. I started shaking a lot then my body gradually started going numb. My vision was going out and my body felt weak as if i was beginning to pass out. My mom sat me down on the couch and continued to talk to me about Adrian ( a lot of which was negative as you can imagine) and about being gay and about how much I had distanced myself from her. Right now i feel somewhat good about it because i know a little bit about how she felt about me, that i won't have to hide the way i feel so much around her, and that she reacted in a somewhat supportive way. I don't know what will happen though. I'm so scared. What if she changes her mind or is swayed by my dad when he finds out. What will happen when my brothers and sisters and whoever they tell and whoever they tell. What will my parents do when I say to them "I don't think that being gay is wrong and i don't want to try to change it."
I have so much on my mind right now. I feel like I will be forced out of the closet to a bunch of people who will hate me for it. I feel like my parents will abandon me and i will have no one. I can't stop thinking about Adrian and how horrible things look for him and how much i want him to just live out in the world and be happy like he deserves to be , I feel like i was meant to be with him and now I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do.
