jannis's Journal

When Pyhsical Sexual Abuse is Falsely Empowering Mood

Sunday, June 8, 2008 | A General Update story

When i read that title and paragraph in pia mellody's book it triggered a memory or a feeling of knowing.

that is what my sexual abuse was like with my dad.(sickening feeling that statement evokes in me) It also, though i understand that i was set up for this , i feel dirty and guilty because i felt this way at the time.

The most typical for this is called "Daddys little Girl" The father tells his daughter that Mom wont't be sexual with him.Then he sexually abuses the daugher without hurting her physically it sexually arouses her so that she feels good.She gets the idea "I'm better than Mom because I'm being sexual with Dad.I am wonderful I am great."

Now I never felt that i was wonderful or that i was great.but i felt conflicted with the fact that i in some ways had taken over my mothers duties or job with ralph.

I dont think she wanted that duty anyway.

but it did at the time give me a false belief that i had power

that letting him use me (letting as if i had any choice) i was somehow more special than my mom.it was a way i gained freedom.

what it did not teach me was to appreciate me for who i was that my body was my own and not for use of others to get my way.

i was not sexually promiscous.I swung the other way.and i dont judge anyone who was

I viewed men in not a good way at the time.

"Experiencing the physcial flood of energy making the parent feel really good and being so important to the parent gives the incest victim a sense of tremendous power and superiority."This is a false belief fanned and fed by my dad

I felt and still carry guilt from feeling that way at the time.
I blamed myself.But i understand that it was him my Dad who knew how to manipulate me and set me up to believe this.

He did not really care what he was doing to me would mess me up

He did not care about me at all.

To be treated like that has left its mark on me.

My mom was vacant and angry so i was rejected by her as well.

I at the time developed the false belief that I was the reason that they did not care about me.They treated me and my brother differently.To me they treated and valued him more.To place one childs importance over another ones is a blow.It was to me to be the apple of my dad's eye when he wanted to sexually abuse me but then to be isolated ,hit,and to be made fun of all other times by the same parent and to have my mom support him in was devastaing to me and my growth as a individual.

I am grateful for all I thank you all for your support and for your listening. May peace healing and many blessings flow your way...

Hug jannis

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Comments

It wasn't your fault Cheryl. You were a child. I know you aren't alone. I felt a sense of power also when a man wanted me. It is sick. It is confusing. I think the perps put that thought in the child's mind because the confusion helps control them. It keeps them in place and silent. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm glad you are talking and getting stronger. Many hugs! Robyn

HateTheFeeling
Wow...this is some trippin' journal entry.
You sure have it all right.
It WAS important to feel special, if only for a few moments. It was nice to be noticed during those times.
It was horrifically awful to be the one singled out for the abuse...why me ?? then tremendous guilt. I would not have wanted this to happen to my siblings, so I would tolerate it for them.
I was also very powerful because I was the only parent in the house. I took care of the drunk parents. I was a mother to my brother and sister.
I watched over the dog.
I knew what we needed from the store and how many clean sheets there were in the linen closet.
It gave me a false sense of power in this way, also.
I thought..typical ACOA...I thought if I can control this, then I can keep controlling the rest of my life and those that are close to me.
Took me a long time to stop being attracted to someone's potential...while with a little tweak here and a little pressure there...this person could be so much more and then right for me.
You did not do anything wrong at all.
This is part and parcel of sexual abuse family interactions.
The thoughts and dysfunctional roles are all part of the grooming, the brainwashing, the conquest and the control.
To make an apple pie, your need the right ingredients or the end result will be much different than your intention.
Someone told you that they were making an apple pie.
You were one of the ingredients.
You assumed the end results were that mentioned pie.
When all they were trying to do is get their twisted needs met. There never really was a pie in the making.
All along, they were nothing but moldy cheese.
You were a victim. You experienced a con job.
Yes, there was a sense of empowerment to it all.
Immediately after realizing what part you unwittingly played in this scenery, you stood tall and owned your new awareness.
Sometimes even the innocent bystander gets splashed with thick encasing mud.
What an insightful and gifted woman you are.
Deep peace, jannis.

GoodGod
i have a book on child abuse. it states that all child abuse is the fault of the adult and that adults coerse the kids etc so sorry you were hurt. i still feel a total break from those peopel presently called family is the best thing.

79pounds
All my love ,support, and compassion, my brave one.You are so strong and so intelligent . Always the true friend. I admire you and your quest for healing and the compassion you have for others is something that he can never take from you. You are guiltless, shame and and guilt are theirs to bear.

Whitebird
my dearest little sister i wish oh how i wish this guilt would go away .....my darlin ...YOUVE DONE NOTHING WRONG ..you were only an innocent child .....still cant get my head round why beasts yes beasts like your dad could do these awful things to their innocent little children..theyre were supposed to protect you from harm and keep you safe .....so my darlin ...hold your head up high and be proud of who you are ......a lovely loving young woman ...my little sister .......love you ....big big glitter hugs from your big sis eilidh ......god bless ....xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

ladyglitter
I hope this has helped you. I hope you realize that this brings you one step closer to healing. Realizing it wasn't you but him is a huge step. Be proud of that. I know what it is like to have my brother held higher and in more love than me. It hurts more than anything else in the world. But once we find that one person who loves us in ways we never imagined would be possible for us, we realize everything is okay. Take care and keep writing.

=]

Hyperbola
Oh thanks for sharing, Jannis. I love the way you write.

You know, my parents did the same thing with us. There are four girls and one boy in the family. The boy was always treated better and had more privileges and support and the girls were taught to wait on men. I wonder if this imbalance doesn't breed abusers.

Hugs and kind thoughts,
Sam

Samadian
Sexual abuse by anyone is hard. I know by going to my group, it is NOT unusual at the time to have feelings sexually like you are important to the abuser. To be mistreated and hated by your mother is another issue. She should NOT have treated you like that and she should have protected you instead of harmed you more. Shame on her but maybe it happened to her as well. Seems all is FINE...F$%@&%up Insecure Neurotic Egotistical. Hugs my dear friend and may you find one day at a time a way to heal. Peace. DT

dakotatears
Incredible, sister, incredible self-discovery. Your doing wonderful work.

Considering your bother and the fact that he was treated differently, I suspect that as a man, he is controlling and arrogant. Arrogance often comes from being treated better than others. Pia writes about this, too.

I'm so impressed with how you have correlated Pia's writings to yourself: excellent!

Much love, sister, Garrett

GarrettK
I was moved by your journal. So much of this is how it was for me too. I always felt my mothers distance from me was jealousy.
I still have trouble understanding how he did it though. Did he not know he was being so distructive to my life, or he did and didn't care.
I am proud of you for your insight and how you are handling your recovery. Hugs

Itsmytime
What a wonderfully insightful entry Jannis....I think at the time... with abuse that is non violent and on going, many do feel special and there is a kind of feeling of importance that comes with it..the child senses the illicit nature of what is happening but being a child and having a child's natural need for attention and to please their parent is caught in a horrible bind. The adult (your father) knowing this can easily manipulate...often by telling them how special and important they are...the sexualized child responds and feels sexually arousal but is confused and conflicted at the same time wishing it wasn't happening. Yet for some, it is the only time, they feel wanted or the only time they are treated with tenderness and affection. To know that you are able to cause such a powerfully pleasurable response in your father....of course that would make a child feel powerful and special. How could it not? Making it even more complex if there is conflict in the mother/daughter relationship there is an added burden on the child of living with a sense they are betraying their mothers but at the same time feeling powerful because they assuming the wifes role. It gives you power over her,,, albeit a secret unspoken power. I dk but I believe your mother knew even if she was in denial...I suspect even as a child you sensed she knew or certainly should have know....I can only imagine the hurt and confusion this caused you. Perhaps this may be part of the reason she was so mean to you. It was her rage at herself for allowing it but she couldn't allow herself to become consciously aware...so she turned it on you. Regardless, you were a child put in a horrible destructive situation...I think you are getting close to a break through...this was a courageous and insightful entry showing understanding of the complex dynamics around the abuse...a central step on the way to beginning to release it's power over you. You are a special soul my friend.

sadave46
Such aware you have Jannis. I too felt that same kind of power. I used that power as an adult and seduced every man that showed any kind of attention to me. The power I felt only hurt the inner child inisde of me. I. in fact had no power only disgust for what I perceived was a weakness in me regarding the men in my life.I equated sex with love. I did not know what I know now. Thank you for that insightful entry. You helped me to understand.

jeanette474
I think everyone before me has spoken of whay I want to say, so just sending my love to you, hugs jen x

annenonimous
This is such a powerful journal entry.

Have you seen the movie, "The Sweethereafter"? Just curious, because it deals with father/daughter incest in a very sensitive and honest way. You begin to understand the subtle power plays that take place and the false sense of power a child in that situation has. I know the movie deal with other issues also, but I was just so touched by it that I thought I'd recommend it. Watch it with someone you trust because it will probably trigger.

This is a Canadian movie by director Atom Egoyan.

bato
My heart hurts when i read this, A father, protector, the man you looked to for love and guidance what choice did you have? I am so sorry that you were exploited in this way. I hope you realise now that all you were doing was surviving the besta way you could? Love and hugs x

Bettybelle